A Life in Ruins...

A Life In Ruins….

Life on the streets is a different life altogether. It’s a life that is not a life…..

a mere existence. A life without a real home, without the bare necessities,

without privacy, without friendships. There are no home cooked meals,

no hot showers or hot water, no connections, no substance.

Life literally becomes devoid of all meaning.

When you are denied a real physical residence, you are denied

your resident status, and no longer seen or viewed as a

resident of any place, nor a citizen, since not having a home

cancels out and negates your rights in every regard,

according to all the police officers telling you so in their "City Ordinances”.

You become a resident of everywhere, a citizen of nowhere…

A resident of life… Your very presence, you are told repeatedly, is “illegal”.

Just because of a circumstance you never chose, but forced to endure.

Never was there a time that I imagined to be living on the streets.

Never imagined I would have to spend a single night without a home…..

much less nearly two decades that I have been. Life and time changes

completely when your life is lived on the streets, especially when it was

never by choice, but paying the heavy price from the actions of others.

Time stands still, and becomes a single day that never ends,

like the worst Ground Day ever that becomes your recurrent

nightmare that you can never wake from.

Yet, years fly by without notice, what feels like minutes, at most.

Life…. The meaning of which is suspended, if there at all.

Finding meaning or purpose in life, when you are denied your existence….

.your rights, eliminated.

Because I have been denied real sleep, hot nutritious meals….

Hot water to bathe in; The excessive fluid build up and swelling

increases exponentially, and it has taken a harder toll on my digestive

tract and organs…. Being denied the sustaining force of life.

And it clouds my life, in every regard.

Added to the debris of life….. or the lack thereof.

This is truly the worst time to be alive. Being talked about

everywhere I go, being video taped and video monitored every damned

moment of every day. And now jerks taking to spying on me using

their drones, where they come right over, and hover directly above me,

watching my every move. That is truly unsettling having a

drone follow your every move even into the restroom,

while it circles the windows all around.

Just not a good time to be present. Makes for a very unpleasant

experience all around. Fully exposed and on public display 24/7….

constantly under surveillance, yet entirely non-existent

in terms of receiving assistance and companionship.

A life forced into the streets and the after affects of having to merely

exist along the seams of Humanity… Life disintegrating all around me…

the most damaging and harmful things on the planet; people.

The worst things I have ever encountered, with a few rare exceptions.

And my body bringing about an ever-greater devastation….

The valve that is supposed to hold and stop bladder leakage,

has stopped working entirely, if it has ever worked at all.

Now, it just releases whenever it chooses and I don’t know about it

until it is already mid-stream and I feel it spreading across and

down my legs…..and not to mention the excruciating burning

that has taken pain to an all new level that is truly life destroying.

I cannot absorb this pain…. It grossly interferes with every

aspect of my life, including every breath I take.

Life is interfering with living.

Birthday Reflections ... 2017

Birthday Echoes….

Reflections of Life on the Streets

Another birthday today, August 15^th …Mine. Marking this my 16^th one on the streets.

Being put out on the streets just a couple weeks after my birthday on September 1, 2000...
so this is Heading into my 17^th year of life living, or rather merely existing along the seams
of humanity, on the streets, and this Holiday Season of 2017 will mark my 18^th one

having to it endure it on the streets, once more.

Another birthday, more echoes from the past.  And this past year

has been one of the roughest I have endured, especially in terms physically.

It’s just another day on the streets, though, and wondering if it is a day

that has ever actually meant anything. 

This year has been much harder to contend with because of the

excessively excruciating deep burning that continually sears through my chest

as though I have swallowed gasoline followed by a lit match, while scalding liquid

is poured down my throat and hot coals placed down my chest as a flame thrower shoots up

and scorches through my digestive tract from my stomach.  That is a direct result of employees'

actions from not using proper hygiene when making and preparing other people’s food,

who have no other option for eating other than prepared foods because there is no kitchen

to make, prepare, cook and store your own foods, so you have to rely on the food prep done by others.

Never knowing if the preparer practices good hand washing

before making food for others.  But more often than not, that is not the case,

as I have literally seen dozens of employees returning to work after using the restroom….

And never touch the sink to wash their hands.

Adding more insult to injury.  Nearly half my life has been lived on the streets….

and it is truly no way to live.  Your life becomes meaningless, and purposeless.  Living in extreme

pain 24/7 beats the hell out of you, while life itself takes cares of the rest. 

A Birthday is supposed to be a “Celebration of Life”, but this is not a life to celebrate,

not in the truest sense of that meaning.  Really hard to find much of anything to celebrate,

much less a day that marks a birth that was never welcome to begin with. 

My Birthday Wish…..

just something I can no longer even dream about; a Real Home. 

Something that offers warmth, comfort, security, peace of mind and

most important… PRIVACY.  When your life is lived on the streets, makes no difference how

you got there, you find privacy is a cruel joke.  It does not exist when your life is lived in public, 24/7. 

And it matters not what you need to do, it is all viewed on the biggest networks on the planet.

So my birthday wish…. A Life that Matters, a Purpose and Meaning to my existence that extends

beyond the streets where my life has been delegated to for an indefinite sentence all because I

refused to “service” a despicable landlord who forced me onto the streets

by and through his illegal actions.

Because Life Happens...

Because Life Happens….

I find myself forced to live on the streets…..Because Life Happens.

Plans go by the wayside, and time and again, Life happens…. And

interferes and gets in the way of living.

Because Life happens, it loses meaning and has no

purpose to any of it. I still expect to

receive any of the promises of life we were promised in God’s word,

the Bible….such as; “I Have Plans for

Your Life to be Prosperous and not Harm You”.

Still waiting for that promise to be kept. Because Life Happens….

Life has been very Harmful, Devastating, Ugly…..

Because Life Happens…. Life has been overall unpleasant.

Because Life Happens… people are readily denied the services

and assistance they need. Because Life Happens,

Wars are an ever-present presence in our lives. Because Life Happens….

Death is all around us. Because Life happens….Life is what it is.

Because Life happens….. people are forced to live their life,

or rather, their merest existence, on the streets…. I was given a life sentence

by and through the illegal actions of others. Memories the body remembers,

even when you do not want to remember. Because Life Happens….

Your body never forgets. It remembers in pain, and never lets you or allows you to forget. 

Because Life Happens…. Things happen that are completely out of our control...

We have Regrets, We become Nostalgic, We Consume, We make Mistakes,

We Measure Time, We Compare, We Compete, We Learn, We Grow. 

Because Life Happens… Life is as it is. Because Life happens….

We BREATHE, We Live, We Love, We Grieve, We Hope,

We Die….. All Because Life Happens.

Relief From Summer's Heat...

Relief From Summer’s Heat…

Living on the Streets

When your life is delegated to the streets,

as a permanent residence,

finding relief from Winter’s Grip and Summer’s excessive heat

become real challenges as we do not have homes to go to to

get out of it. You learn to become resilient, self-reliant,

and adaptable in order to live, BREATHE, and continue

to move forward, in whatever capacity that may be.

Being forced to live on the streets for so long, I cannot

weigh which is worse, trying to find cooling relief

in the sizzling heat of Summer,

or some warmth in the freezing Winter. Both of which offer

up a host of challenges to contend with. But it is much easier

to find warmth, than it is to cool off in the excessive heat,

which you find impossible.

Just some of the challenges the excessive heat poses to

those of us without homes; movement and breathing are

the ones hardest hit with the heat. As the heat becomes

more like living on the inside of an oven left on all

day at 500* degree temperatures, it makes it harder to breathe,

and move about, because the heat is so very draining and exhaustive.

But allows for better movement in the body, as it loosens the joints.

Though, it has a nasty tendency to cause fluid build-up

and swelling through your extremities,

which makes it more challenging to move.

Waves upon waves of heat flows over you like an ocean.

The pressure of the heat has a heaviness that cooler weather does not.

The air feels much heavier in the exhaustive heat of Summer than in Winter,

where the air is crisp and easier to breathe. In the Summer,

the heat feels like a thick blanketed shawl wrapped tightly

around your body, while the cooler temperatures of Winter

releases heat and the air is much lighter and freer.

But the cold temperatures make it harder to

move through your joints, because they

become tight and stiff in the cold air.

Having to use the restroom, especially during the night,

is much more difficult in the Summer’s heat, due to the

damp/soaked clothing from perspiring so much, whereas in the

Winter, your clothes slide easily off to change or

use the restroom.

Getting any rest during the Summer heat is a real challenge,

since the nights do not cool off much, if any.

And when you are too hot, sleep just doesn't happen, or if it does,

very restless and leaves you even more tired come morning.

The heat drains you of all your energy and leaves you feeling listless.

Food storage is nonexistent in the high heat of Summer.

Food doesn't keep in the heat. Fruit and produce goes

bad in just minutes, while in Winter…. It will last a little while,

allowing you to get to it while it is still good. You end up wasting

what little money you have on food, only to find it no good

just shortly after purchase because of the heat.

And being on the streets, you do not have a safe place to store,

prepare and cook foods. You have to rely on what is

already made, and then you have to consume it immediately,

or you might as well dump your money in the trash,

because that is where the food goes.

The worst thing about having to live on the streets,

especially during the hot summer months,

are the insects that come out en mass when it is warm.

Things you have never seen before, or read about,

but find them assaulting you day-in, day-out.

and coming out really heavy starting in the early evening,

swarming you through the night, and slightly

lessening through the morning to mid-afternoon.

On the plus side, though… I am so grateful to be on the streets

here in the Bay Area, where the winds are cleaner

(that is unless smokers are around, making it

impossible to breathe anything akin to clean, fresh air),

and not the harsh, rough, highly abrasive sand

papery air that the desert air is.

Desert air always feels like moving and breathing

through liquid sand paper at every moment,

not to mention living inside of a furnace.

And the summer heat is a few degrees cooler…

Being on the streets could be worse, if I were not

residing everywhere and nowhere

here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Disillusionment of Life....

Disillusionment of Life….

Life….. the illusion continues.

They say we “are living the dream within a dream”.

Well, my life has been anything but a “dream”.

A brutal nightmarish hell, definitely….. a dream?

No. Only a very bad dream…. One that I have never been able to wake from.

Wondering what is going on in my parallel lives. Feels the same.

Feels like I have been living the exact same lifetime, over and over and over again….

And that is where the dis-allusion of life comes about---- living the same lifetime,

over and over and over without end, for eternity.

It wasn’t good the first several thousand times, so why does

the same horror show keep repeating in my life????

So ready to be done with it once and for all.

Illusions, Allusions, Dreams…..

So what is the point of Life?!

If life is but a Dream, albeit a very bad dream, why bother?

The devastation of life on the streets…

I cannot even begin to convey what you have to deal

and contend with living on the streets, as it goes much deeper than

not being able to eat properly, or regularly…

goes way beyond being constantly video-monitored and watched 24/7,

deeper than not having any privacy whatsoever to do your most private,

intimate things in public every moment….

It goes Much deeper.

Insects that you only ever found in expired cereals and rice…

becoming more and more frequent visitors to your mornings….

Devastating your heart…. Wondering how much further life could pull

and drag you down into depths you can never reach.

You learn living on the streets brings about the most unexpected

things into your life at any moment. And your body, heart, and soul

quickly adapting to even the most hellish of experiences,

no matter what that may be.

Blessed...

Blessed…

I am truly blessed.  Homeless,

 I don’t have a home, a bed, a kitchen,

a bathroom, and I live one the streets, but I am Blessed.

I am blessed to have access to the libraries

all around and the ability to check out materials with an

endless assortment of books to choose from, the use of computers,

scanner and printers…. I am Blessed.

I am Blessed to respect myself enough to not be “seen” as Homeless,

and then denied and refused assistance because I do not fit the part;

I do not look, smell, act or behave as a homeless person is scripted to be by society.

I am Blessed to share my days and nights with my furry and feathered friends,

my confidants and co-conspirators who nourish my heart and life like nothing else can.

I am Blessed to have a body that continues to carry the burden of life on the streets.

No, this isn’t the life I planned, but I am truly Blessed.

I am witness to Nature’s unfolding while watching the incredible sunsets and sunrises,

most mornings and evenings. Watching the colors being stroked across the skies

with the most perfect colors and brushes that bring the brilliance to the forefront,

which is breathtaking and immersive. Being present every moment,

feeling everything, seeing everything; becoming a part of the landscape in the truest sense…

blending in so fully and completely, you become invisible to society but fully

embraced by Nature and Her incredibly beautiful creatures that fill my life.

Counting Blessings everyday…

Though, most of time, it is the hardest challenge I have in my life,

finding those precious gems.

Empty Remains

~ Empty Remains ~

Deep in the darkness my heart still sees

the shadows of night, portrayed

within the memories of the past...

Impressions reflected, bequeathed by shadows,

mirrored by deceptions, covered in pain--

In the realms of the mind;

The mirror of the soul--

Through the depths of frustration,

in the midst of anger--

Silent tears burning deep inside,

emptying the soul, feelings drained,

devoid of spirit, depleted in strength--

The remains of laughter

long forgotten with shadows

of pain taking its place.

The essence of being no longer present--

Buried within, layer upon layer.

Shadows forsaken

in the minds' collection,

hollowed through by spoken silence--

Speaking louder then the

sound of words... Merely voiced--

Constricting silence binding the soul,

in draining confusion, betrayals of trust.

The depths of silence sears the soul,

in wakes of abandon,

caressing softly whispers of the spirit.

By

Renee Bowen

The Toll of Living on the Streets...

The Toll of the Streets….

When your life is lived on the streets, the longer you are forced to live outside,

the harder the toll it takes on you, especially in terms physically.

Living on the streets exposes you to everything and

everyone, even when your very presence is unwelcome.

Aside from not being able to eat properly;

(as real meals are a rarity that becomes a treasured morsel when you do have

a real meal to eat)  the three most pressing things that take the

hardest toll on you on the streets; the weather, battling an endless array of insects,

and the attitudes and treatment from people deciding that we warrant their

ugliness due to a circumstance we didn't choose.

Life on the streets; most people never consider what it is actually like

having to live your life, every facet of your life, on the streets.

But when you are outside 24/7, you don’t get a break from the weather.

And even more so having to contend with the stormy weather; high winds,

heavy rains, stormy weather filled with misery

and having no place to really protect yourself from any of it.

It is like being in the boxing ring with a hundred fighters,

pummeling you, over and over and over….. when the harsh rains and heavy

winds finally ease back, you literally feel as though not only

were you beat to hell by it all, but like you have been run over

by a steam roller, going back and forth, slowly crushing you first

from one end, then to the other, then being hit by and run over by

a large truck. It tears you up having no choice but to endure

and experience Mother Nature at Her worst.

One of my main areas I stay in, well, actually one of the spots

I have found for the night, where I have been staying for quite some time,

is no longer available due to Mother Nature’s fury.

When I left my “spot” earlier in the day, the tree I was under was

still up and still standing, but on my return; the same tree was downed

directly where I had been. Just glad I was not there when it happened.

Another thing people never consider for those of us having

to live on the streets and battle the weather,

is our areas get flooded out, frozen over, and trees come down all around you,

or directly in your path that held your presence just a brief time earlier.

This is certainly not the first time having to move by force of Nature.

One of the many hazards of having to live outside.

There is a long list of contenders fighting for attention.

Living on the streets turns into how to survive this thing called LIFE,

that is more of a cruel joke than anything else, when that very life is lived on the streets.

The hazards of streets life….

Oh let me count (some of) the ways;

* Weather in every extreme....from the baking heat of Summer to the

freezing temperatures of Winter with Heavy rains, pummeling hail,

harsh, crushing winds that bring about downed trees, downed power lines,

flooded areas making it impossible to get where you need to go,

frozen ground, frost covered ground, icy patches that bring you

crashing to the ground, an endless assortment of insects

that only come out through and during the night;

as they seek you out for dinner... and lunch… and breakfast, along with

anytime in between, leaving their marks on your person;

The muck and mire of street life.

Winter is truly the worst time having to live on the streets.

During the warmer months, it is easier to move around,

but the heat makes it more challenging to breathe,

while the colder temperatures are much more challenging to move in

and around, but the air is easier to breathe.

* No regular meals, no ready access to facilities to use for

waste disposal (finding a restroom) or clean up.



* Being assaulted and consumed, night after endless night by insects.

* Nowhere to be but not allowed wherever you are.

* Holidays – as this limits transit, if it runs at all, and

makes clean up and waste disposal (trying to find a restroom)

an even greater adventure, since every place is closed.

And clean up is always under icy cold water to wash your face

and body, and hair. Clean up in cold weather, is really hard to endure,

adding the icy temps of the icy cold water, mixed with the icy, cold, biting air.

* Finding some place to wash clothes, which usually ends up being

a park sink filled with cold, icy water. Then drying is done by blanketing

bushes and stringing line or cord between trees or poles to lay some clothes

over like a clothes line. It works OK, unless the weather is always wet and soggy.

* Finding yourself covered in people’s nasty habits; chewed gum, spit,

junk from smokers, chewed tobacco, eliminating wherever they choose….

and their pets eliminations they refuse to pick up after, And Nature itself….

Insects. Just to name a few.

* During the day, unless it is a Holiday, you can usually find

some place to go for a little while, but come evening, there is no place to go.

Everything and every place shuts down for the night.

Aside from some Safeways that are open 24/7, you cannot always rely

on having that to go to through the night.

Survival mode becomes your default setting every moment of the day,

and all through the night. A mode you find has no turn off switch.

On guard all the time. But being outside is much safer than any so-called “shelter”.

Not to mention, you have no privacy. The thing about shelters that people

fail to understand is you cannot just “go to a shelter”. It does not work that way.

You have to literally make an appointment several weeks, or months well in

advance to do an “intake”. They won’t let you just walk in anytime

because the weather is bad. If you have not had an “intake” taken, they

shut the door in your face, and tell you to call in a few weeks. Yet, how

are you supposed to call? Even when you are able to find a way to call, you are

repeatedly told to keep calling back, because they have no room. So you are

stuck in the cycle, and going in circles, only to keep

ending up right where you were.