3rd Article Written for Column, Printed 10/5/06
3rd Article Printed, 2nd one written, though chopped up and twisted around-- not what I had sent in.
Nice people, raccoons help warm things up
I USUALLY END up with a raccoon snuggled around my neck shortly after midnight, and my neck warmer returned last night bringing a friend with him.
He had been gone for the past several nights, but I woke at 4:45 a.m. to cozy warmth with him wrapped around my neck, resting his head on my chest and his friend was circled and draped over my feet.
I didn't want to get up, but I needed to before passers-by started walking and biking through with their dogs to start the day.
Lifting him off me before I can rise, and regretting the moment I do as the warmth he provided quickly replaced by the icy-cold fingers of the chilled wind sending shivers through my body.
Talking to my friends of the night before I venture off for the day; being surrounded by my friends throughout the night, every night, always lifting my spirits with their very presence.
I'm pretty drained this morning, didn't get much rest at all -- another migraine made its fierce slicing, vise-squeezing presence way through just after 2 a.m., leaving me shaky and nauseous this morning, grateful that the sun hasn't made it's way through the fog yet.
Being Sunday, it makes it more of a challenge to get fully cleaned up for the day -- everything and every place opening so late, if at all.
I end up having to walk nearly two miles up the road to a restaurant, asking if I could use their restroom.
Coming out of the restroom, I'm blessed by an angel with a hot cup of coffee being handed to me as I start to leave.
Allowed to sit for a while inside while I drink the cup of heaven, pulling out my notebook to write as I enjoy my coffee -- my morning looking better by the moment.
The heat from the cup a welcome relief from the cold in my hands, and one I'm truly grateful to have been given.
Having no place to keep my bags, I have to carry them day and night, taking a heavy toll on my body, causing my legs to buckle further and my arms give way.
Another morning having to endure an empty stomach, save for the precious heavenly drink of coffee. Learning to ignore the pangs and pain of an empty stomach sitting empty far too often, learning to forget about food and block out all references to it as much as possible.
Hot, nutritious meals a privileged luxury that is a rare treasure, and bestowed in very limited quantity, when it is afforded, which is few and far between.
People only seeing the outside appearances, not what's happening on the inside -- they look at me and tell me "You look fine," without bothering to look beyond the cover, even then it's only in passing.
Drinking a lot of water to fill the void.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column on the homeless in Walnut Creek.
Thursday, Feb 01, 2007
Walnut Creek Journal
Posted on Thu, Feb. 01, 2007
RENEE BOWEN: ON THE STREETS
Relief from winter's grip not easy to find on streets
THIS PAST HOLIDAY season has turned into such a blessing. Indebted gratitude to some very special angels bringing such incredible gifts to my heart, bringing a little holiday "magic" to my life.
These rare few who brought their love, warmth and generosity to me turned an otherwise bleak season into one of warmth and caring. I'm deeply grateful for their beautiful light brought into my heart, and in my life, making my holiday much brighter.
With the onset of the colder weather, the mornings are dragging out longer. The sun is taking its time before coming to work and then takes leave early, long before the day is over, pulling the heavy blanket of darkness over our heads -- making it both a blessing and a curse when you have to live on the streets.
Finding drinkable water is becoming more of a challenge as the pipes begin to freeze -- having to do your clean-up in the icy water once you're able to get your body to move. Waking to wet clothes from the frost that settles over you through the night, surrounds you, and wraps you in its cold sleeve, as you attempt to get some rest, and you have to be extra careful moving around in the early mornings as the sidewalks and walkways become slick with ice.
Your nose turns into a constant river flowing fast and free, a river that doesn't stop. Your chest tightens and feels like a vise is squeezing and constricting your lungs, making breathing more of a challenge, feeling like you are congested when you are not. And when every place closes for the night, where do you go?
The warmth is withdrawn and vacuumed away from you; the shelter evaporates all around you, and the cold blankets you in its icy embrace. The heavy layering of clothing doesn't ward off the chill that settles deep within your bones.
Always on constant vigil 24/7, never knowing if you can safely close your eyes or for how long when you do.
Finding yourself cuddled with an assortment of animals through the colder nights, huddling against you to help stave off the winter's chill, ones that you would never find yourself going up to but rather go in the other direction if they approached. However, the rules change when you are living on the streets.
Rats, opossums, raccoons, lizards and a variety of other wildlife, including insects -- all looking for that precious warmth; wherever they can find it. And this is usually with your person when you share their space.
The colder it gets, the harder it becomes to move with any fluidity.
When you go inside some place that's warm, you find the warmth hardly penetrates through the layers of cold before you find yourself outside once more, not afforded the opportunity to warm your body completely.
Another day passes by, leaving me in its wake. I'm just taking it moment by moment, breath by breath and go where that takes me. My throat becomes raw from breathing in the constant cold air throughout the night. Feeling drained as a deepening despair takes hold of my heart wrapping itself around me like a cloak. Learning to live with all of nature's beauty and her harshest extremes in weather, all the animals that soon become your confidantes and companions of warmth when night falls.
For those rare few who brought their warmth and love to my heart this past holiday season, touching it with a glimmer of hope, it is deeply appreciated. Thank you.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column on the homeless in Walnut Creek.
April 07 Column, Printed 4/19/07 in response to letter to the editor.
Letter to the editor Link and Copy, followed by column link and copy. 8th one printed, 7th one written for column.
Letter to editor
Column writer asked about her homeless state
Contra Costa Times
Article Launched: 03/30/2007 03:09:53 AM PDT
Each month I read the Renee Bowen: On the Streets column on being homeless in Walnut Creek. Her tagline states that she has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000, -- 61/2 years!
Recently, she wrote of difficulty finding her preferred vegetarian diet in the meals offered to homeless people. She states that she does not look or smell like the typical homeless person. She is not on drugs, and it is apparent that she can write well.
So, one wonders, why in six plus years she has been unable to find any sort of employment? Not even a part-time job at Target? I always see signs that they are hiring. While this employment would not buy a condo in Walnut Creek, it would certainly allow her to buy her own food.
Is it fair to inquire as to how many job interviews she has attended in six years? Any entry level job would allow her the opportunity to get back into the working world and move on from there.
I hate to sound coldhearted, but I get weary of reading of her woes when she does not seem interested or willing to do anything about changing her situation.
Ruth Dexter
Walnut Creek
April 19, 2007 Column—In response to letter to the editor
Contra Costa Times
RENEE BOWEN: ON THE STREETS
Assumptions about homeless are often ugly and ignorant
Contra Costa Times
Article Launched: 04/19/2007 03:10:35 AM PDT
ASSUMPTIONS --WE ALL make them, though we're usually not aware we are doing so. But the problem is they are what one assumes without any evidence of truth.
People tend to make an exceptional amount of false assumptions about those of us without a physical address; subjecting us to a fate far worse than the streets themselves. People are under the assumption that those of us out here (on the streets) are not interested or willing to change or better our circumstances -- assuming we can readily walk into any place of business, fill out the application and get a job!
Every employer I've come across requires a little annoying thing on the application called a verifiable physical address, which when you are living on the streets is not something you have -- you cannot simply write H O M E L E S S, or No Residence in the place where the address is supposed to go.
And how are employers going to verify my physical address when I don't have one?
I've been to countless job interviews (well over 200) over the past 61/2 years and have gotten the same response, just worded a little differently:
"You don't have the exact qualifications we are looking for";
"We found someone else who more closely matches what we wanted";
"You're overqualified for the position and we don't feel you would be happy here and thus wouldn't stay";
"The position has been closed/filled."
Yet the sign continues to be posted while they wait for the right
look to come through the door.
The only things potential employers see as I walk through the door is the way my body moves, or doesn't move as the case may be and . . . my bags. And since I have no place to safely leave my bags, I have to carry them with me all the time. Employers view me as a liability, nothing more. My last job was with Kaiser, doing their payroll. I was hired as a "short-hour" employee, working two to three days every other week, four to six days per month. Thus, I had no benefits. I had to lie on the application in order to be considered for employment, telling them I stayed with friends.
The position allowed me to eat, barely, but didn't afford me enough money to put a roof over my head.
While employed there, I put in for every position I could, quickly filling a box full of transfer applications, only two of which came back to me, telling me I was overqualified for the positions.
I worked for Kaiser for more than four years until January 2005, when Kaiser decided to do away with the payroll department and eliminate all the positions, sending everything to India, leaving a lot of displaced employees in the wake, myself included.
I've been left to my own devices since; receiving a lot of criticism about why I'm not employed, why I seem so unwilling and uninterested in changing or improving my circumstances. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have been trying, in vain, to change and improve my circumstances from the moment I was put out here. People claim they are tired of reading about my "woes." Well, I'm tired of living, breathing and being on the streets.
I've never been one to hold my hand out waiting for castoffs and handouts at every turn. People are real quick to make harsh judgments and false assumptions on something they know nothing about and understand even less. I'm tired of people questioning my very presence.
But I find myself always having to defend my life because people choose to believe, see and hear only what fits into their comfort zones and my being on the streets knocks hard on that comfort zone door.
They retaliate through harsh judgments, false assumptions, rude comments and ignorant attitudes. Having my circumstances posted in the paper every month makes the situation more challenging to find work, putting me and my resident status under a very fine microscope.
My intention to write about my circumstances when I was approached to do so was to open some eyes, not bring more condemnation toward me.
Perhaps this is why I get more ugliness directed toward me.
Too many eyes are beginning to open and they are not comfortable seeing what is right before them. It's always been there, but they choose not to see it until someone points it out to them and they can no longer ignore it.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column on the homeless in Walnut Creek.
May Column, Printed 5/10/07, after editor said it wasn’t what he wanted. Printed it anyway. Had sent re-write, and he informed me this previous one had been printed the week before. 9th one printed, 8th one written for the column.
RENEE BOWEN: ON THE STREETS
Struggling to find the motivation on the streets
Contra Costa Times
Article Launched: 05/10/2007 03:09:22 AM PDT
IT'S HARD TO remember why I bother to keep going, while forcing myself to remember to breathe. I often wonder what it is that keeps me pushing, fighting, moving forward and holding on (to what . . .)?
I have asked myself this question time and again, a million times over, yet I only come away with more questions, no answers in sight.
After a while you tend to fade further into the background and people no longer really notice you, you become part of the scenery -- perhaps this is why I notice my scenery and feel more connected to this than people as they pass by without seeing anything and wouldn't be able to describe anything or anyone they pass along the way.
So I take a deep breath, as deep as my lungs will allow, slowly release it and press forward, but to what end? Where does life go when you have no place to go?
When do you become invisible and become an object rather than a living, breathing, feeling being? Sometimes it's hard to remember you have a heart beating within your chest.
You wonder how this can be when so much of you has already shut down?
They say there is a "purpose" for everything, a reason for all that happens, that there are no accidents, no random acts of violence, nothing "random" at all. I don't know that I agree with this, not wholeheartedly, anyway. I've been through an ever-increasing Hell with each moment I press forward.
A lot of people claim I'm out here "by personal choice," because after all, they insist, there is so much help available for those who need it. This must be why I still find myself on the endless streets because of all this so-called "help," which I have not found to be true in any regard.
Is it fair to ask how many of you have been forced to live on the streets, going days sometimes longer with no food in sight?
Do you know what it's like to be condemned for being put in a circumstance in which you had no control?
How many of you have had to experience waking up to insects covering you from head to toe -- sucking greedily, biting furiously and stinging, as they leave their marks all over your body as you become an endless meal to them?
How many times have you had to bounce around to numerous restrooms to do your clean up throughout the day, having to do everything in bits and pieces, never able to complete it all at a single location?
How many of you have had to endure the harshest extremes of weather time and again and then be refused every type of assistance then told you're out here by "choice?"
How many of you have your integrity questioned every moment just because you don't have the luxury of that precious physical residence with a solid, safe roof over your head? How many of you are treated with such horrible contempt for being forced into a circumstance not of your choosing but you have to endure?
To know what it's like to be endlessly harassed and accosted for just being present? How many of you would be able to endure a single night -- much less, year after year? How many of you would have the strength to face another day?
So what keeps me going? I don't know. What keeps anyone going or prevents them from going? Only a sense of self. Some allow others to dictate to them how and what to feel -- giving up their power, their strength, essentially their self.
Many believe their lives have no meaning because nothing comes from within. They wait for the outside to fill that empty space they have hallowed out on the inside. They don't understand the emptiness can only be filled from what they have given to others, relying on others to make them complete. The void, the chasm within only widens by looking to the outside for fulfillment.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column on the homeless in Walnut Creek.
RENEE BOWEN: ON THE STREETS
Discrimination always prevalent on the streets
Contra Costa Times
Article Launched: 07/12/2007 03:08:21 AM PDT
DISCRIMINATION. AT SOME point it's something each of us will experience in our lifetime, though some experience this on such a regular basis it becomes commonplace.
You don't have to be of a certain race or nationality to be discriminated against and know what it's like to experience it. There is no shortage of discrimination cast your way when you're on the streets.
Every day of my life, I have to experience people's ignorance coming through loud and clear, and one of the brightest colors they show is through their discrimination. Sometimes it's openly displayed, other times they try covering it with words. But words, like anything, can be used as weapons to destroy or be used as a salve and heal wounds. The words directed toward me, for the most part, have the sharpest swords attached to them.
The ugly colors unfold with every step I take, the way my body moves or doesn't move, as the case may be. Every place of employment makes excuses for not hiring me because they are not comfortable with me, so they have already written me off before even speaking to me, ignoring the skills and abilities I can bring to their organization.
They tell me I'm overqualified for the position or I don't have the exact qualifications they are looking for. They'll say another candidate was hired for the position who better matched what they wanted, though they're "impressed" with my qualifications. They chose someone else who "fit" better with the company.
Because of the way they word their discrimination, I cannot do anything about it. Discrimination doesn't take sides or happen to those of only a particular race. It comes in every shape, every color, every race and becomes abundantly apparent to those with mental or physical limitations.
Another holiday spent on the streets, and I'm quite literally stranded, since County Connection does not offer holiday service for their buses. It makes it more of a challenge to enjoy the day because I can't get anywhere unless I walk for miles, and I don't have the opportunity to watch or participate in any of the events or the fireworks displays later.
As the weather warms up, finding drinkable water becomes an even greater challenge. I have to use the fountains outside, and the only place left to fill up on water is the parks faucets, if they are working. The water feels like boiled water -- it hurts my hands to hold the bottle while I fill it, then I find I cannot drink the water because it's too hot.
If I go into places such as Target and ask for a cup of ice, they capitalize on my misfortune, charging upward of a $1.69 plus tax for this luxury when they think I'm on the streets. Yet anyone shopping in the store who stops by for a cup of ice is handed one at no charge. Being on the street, you generally don't have the means to make the purchase of what is given free to others. Discrimination rears its ugly head again.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column about the homeless in Walnut Creek.
Nov. 07 Column, printed 11/22/07 – Thanksgiving. No Byline online.
Link:
Police only contribute to problem of homelessness
Contra Costa Times
Article Launched: 11/23/2007 02:59:48 AM PST
MOVING: THAT'S WHAT you find yourself doing, sometimes several times a night, thanks to the endless array of cops forcing you to move, claiming you are "trespassing and loitering."
They will cite you for just being present, insisting they have "city ordinances" that prohibit people from sleeping on the streets. And those rare few who have the privilege and luxury of a vehicle are told that "city ordinances" prohibit anyone from sleeping in their vehicles -- making it a punishable crime to be homeless and forced to live on the streets. And thus commences a journey into the never-ending harassment with which cops have become so proficient.
Making matters worse are the people who are locked safely and securely inside their warm houses who call police to have us removed from their sight, telling police our presence disturbs them and they feel so very threatened about our trying to get even the slightest bit of rest.
Yeah, a physically challenged, homeless female is such a menacing threat we have to have her removed by whatever means necessary, out of our awareness.
My experience on the streets has not been a good one and I know it's made much more challenging because I don't fit the mold. My experience out here has been much harsher than most because I don't receive assistance to support a habit such as drug or alcohol addiction. I'm too clean and presentable, which really seems to bother people. I'm direct and straightforward in my responses. I flunked lying in school, never could get the swing of it. I receive nothing from the state at all, although I have been fighting tooth and nail since Day 1 for assistance, and it seems pounding my head into a brick wall would be more effective and productive.
Harassment: I've never found this in job descriptions for police or sheriff's deputies, not printed anywhere, but it must be in the "unspoken rules," just like the quotas they need to get before the end of the week -- or month or year -- is up. That's not in their job descriptions either, but that's what they do: harass those of us in unfortunate circumstances, which many of us were forced into.
Apparently, the job descriptions have changed. No longer are police out here to ''protect and serve," unless constant harassment and ignorance count as protecting and serving the community. Police I encounter are always demanding my respect. Well, respect is something that is earned, not given on command. Respect through intimidation only breeds contempt. Not a day or night in the more than seven years I've been out here have gone by that I haven't been harassed at least twice within a 24-hour period. Not a single day. I might be able to understand it if I were making trouble, but I have never done anything or hurt anyone. Yet I'm targeted by the cops and the sheriff. No matter where I go or what city I am in, police and sheriff's deputies are right there, demanding an explanation of my presence.
This is not something I understand. I go out of my way to be clean and presentable, but get nothing but the worst end of it from the police. Why can't they just leave me alone? I can no longer stand the sight of cops. I used to really believe they were out here to help but that is not the case, I'm finding. They've become a much bigger part of the problem. Not once since I have been out here have they helped me in any way. Whenever I have had to make reports it has been brushed off with the remark, "What do you expect putting yourself out here?" Then the reports are shredded and ripped apart, and I'm sent on my way. Making me wonder why bother to report anything because it turns into nothing more than a waste of my time.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column on the homeless in Walnut Creek. You may e-mail her at rrb7514@hotmail.com.
Dec. 07 Column-- Printed 12/27/07, posted online 12/28/07-- Online version chopped a lot. Not what was sent by Leanne--
RENEE BOWEN: ON THE STREETS
Season's message of love should resonate year-round
Contra Costa Times
Article Launched: 12/27/2007 02:57:38 AM PST
FIRST, DO NO harm. It should be the most obvious of all things, yet it's the one thing we do repeatedly to ourselves and everyone else. And the ones who are so dear to us are generally the ones we harm the most.
Words, accusations, lies, manipulations cause us to react, retaliate and respond with more of the same. More often than not, it ruins the best of relationships with all those around us and closest to us.
It seems the people who preach the most about forgiveness rarely practice it in their own lives. Closing their hearts to the truth, they block out receiving love and kindness. You cannot filter your life on only what you will accept. If you block part of it, you block the whole; building a wall between everyone because they don't respond by posted script to your expectations.
People often respond with emotion and feelings they are not fully aware of when they direct them at you. Their response doesn't fit the current situation, and they generally don't realize what it is they are feeling or the emotions that are underlying from long ago.
The raw intensity of pain has made my whole body ache in response from the loss of those dear to me.
My word is all I have, and when anyone chooses to try to discredit me, it's devastating.
Friendship: When you're lucky enough to be blessed with that precious gem in your life, everything in your life brightens and your heart smiles with incredible joy. But when that beautiful relationship is taken away from you, the joy that brought such warmth and beauty to your heart and into your life disappears.
When you are not allowed to be who you are or are criticized, it causes harm on every level and the deepest blow is to your self, where the most precious pieces of your heart are. It's more convenient to ignore what we do to others through our actions, behaviors and responses by not seeing the harm being done. We respond through hurt and pain, instead of through love and kindness.
Can you imagine what our world would be like if all of us responded in and through L O V E? I think that is what scares people about peace. They would actually have to take part in and be responsible for choosing love.
But the knee-jerk response is always to respond more like what is directed to us and at us.
Forgiveness: Something that has been all but eliminated from our vocabulary. I continue to push forward, doing my best to transcend all the negative energy and smile, living as best I can, no matter what my circumstance.
But it seems no matter how I live, how I present myself, I'm criticized for just being who I am. I cannot be someone or something I'm not.
Responding through hurt, pain and the heavy baggage from the past is a vicious cycle that won't stop until we learn to respond in kind, with love in our hearts.
All other choices only bring more hurt and pain.
The echoes of friendship linger in our hearts for all eternity -- the imprint left behind is the treasure that binds the soul with joy and happiness.
I start my day being thankful I'm still breathing and able to wake to another morning. True acceptance is something I've only experienced through nature's wonderful furry and feathered friends that share my nights. The spirit of God so close at hand, offering safety, warmth and protection in the curled embrace of her beautiful creatures -- my sounding boards, my companions, my warm angels of the night. Encircling me with love, acceptance and as one of their own. The soft fur of the raccoons as they press in close to help me stay warm. Their paws are like handprints on my soul.
Renee Bowen has been homeless since Sept. 1, 2000. She writes a monthly column on the homeless in Walnut Creek. She may be reached at rrb7514@hotmail.com.
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