2022 Will Not Be Missed...

 

Closing the Year..2022

As this year comes to a close, I cannot say it will be

a missed year. It has truly been a mixed year of Blessings.

It has been a really Raw year, overall. With bits of

good tossed into the mix here and there. And so,

so very draining, especially financially.

It's been A difficult year, to say the least. Beyond

Challenging in every regard. And with this being

my 23^rd Winter and Holiday season outside, on the

streets, life has become all consuming and all

absorbing merely existing on the streets, living around

the periphery of life and society, a moving shadow.

For most of this year, my vehicle was not running,

so I was on foot. I was given permission to stay where

I was by the Pleasanton Police Department, who then Forced

me to leave shortly after, claiming to have received “Dozens and

Dozens of Complaints about me”... When I was not even there,

my vehicle parked correctly, out of the way, and not

bothering anyone and the police force me to leave, to preserve 

their Superficiality for the Soccer Crowd that the police 

department bow down to and allow them to control 

how the city looks and presents itself.

 

 Instead of helping, the police just made things

tremendously worse. Having no money to repair my vehicle, 

 and the police department offering no help or support, 

the community around me reached out to help get my vehicle

moveable again, which I am so deeply grateful for their help and

support. None of the so-called Service Organization would help,

no matter how many times I reached out to them. I received

nothing but silence from them, and LIES from the police. 

 

My Respect and Trust with the Pleasanton Police Department

has been completely destroyed by their actions and them

not standing behind their promises of help and support,

not standing behind what they say they would do, then

making accusations against me when I reached out 

for the support and help they were offering and them 

changing what they said, even though I have proof

 of the help and support they were claiming to 

offer through emails and texts.

  

  Then they unlawfully, unethically and unconstitutionally

recorded me, a private citizen, when they came over to

 force me to leave, after giving me permission to be where 

I was, under the guise of it being for the Officers' “Safety”,

when they know I pose no threat. I requested, repeatedly, 

that they not record me, which they ignored. 

Taking away my rights in the process.

Life made even more challenging having to contend with the 

excessively high and Extreme increase of Inflation, which is 

making life Unsustainable in every regard. The out of control 

price increases that continue to spiral up... up... up with no 

end in sight. Taking care of even the most basic 

necessities becomes an extreme challenge.

 

Unsustainable living that has become a burden... and has

become the norm; having to choose what to purchase; food or

gas or personal hygiene or...whatever else is needed,

which then becomes a Luxury.

This year has been rough and sharp-sworded.

But there has also been so much to be grateful for.

Like having a vehicle now that offers some protection

from the inclement weather and elements, so I am not

directly in it, but it rains inside the vehicle around all the

door frames, the driver side being the worst, of course.

And I am grateful for the Mobility I now have that has

been restored and for the safety my vehicle affords me.

I am So grateful to have the roof over my head,

though not a dry one in the rain, I have a ROOF.

Granted, a Mobile roof... that moves with me, but

still a roof over my head. So that makes this winter

season slightly easier to bear in some ways, harder

and much more challenging in other ways, having no 

heat or air and with the additional expenses the vehicle 

requires that I have no help with and on a very fixed,

limited income to take care of it all; GAS, Tags, License, 

SMOG, Registration, Insurance, Repairs and the like.

The weather has turned on end... stormy weather

for the past month, ending the year in heavy, hard

rains and wind that has been non-stop and constant,

ending the year under the weather and the New Year

is carrying it over and continuing where 2022

ended off, 2023 is picking up and starting with,

already under the weather as the New Year begins.

Having to be out in it, 24/7, even inside my vehicle,

is a hard toll. Limits where I can go with so many

places being flooded from the continual, non-stop

Atmospheric Rivers that have been running

endlessly overhead, turning every place

into lakes and rivers where driving is

greatly decreased and walking not an option.

Living on the streets is the true meaning of Hardship.

Another year that will not be missed. And more of

my life and history being erased. The physical challenges,

especially being physically challenged and female,

the heavy financial drain... being forced to live

outside, without a home, indefinitely...

certainly not the life I imagined.

Life on the streets is brimming with Darkness.

And living on the streets... Decade after DECADE,

your spirits plummet and spiral down into

Unfathomable Depths...

Finding light in the Depths.... slivers come through.

How do you give thanks and be grateful being

forced to live indefinitely as a permanent resident

on the streets? Finding Grace begins with becoming a

Silent Witness instead of a reactive participant. Being filled

with gratitude when those rare hidden treasures of

Human Angels invite you into their home to do some

laundry, or ask you to house or pet sit while they are away,

a few days, trusting you with their treasures as you care for

what they treasure. That is what has helped so much

as this year closes. The community that has reached

out to me to offer help and support.

They have been my Silver Lining.

So I remind myself to keep breathing, in and out,

in and out. Every moment throughout the day

and each night. Focusing on the light.

This year is finally coming to a close and it cannot

end fast enough. Cannot say I am looking forward

to the New Year, but I know this year is not one

that will be missed at all. So may the New Year

unfold in surprising, supportive ways that

give me reason to B R E A T H E.

 

 

A Very Seasoned Life... Holiday and Winter Season 2021

A Very Seasoned Life....

22 Seasons … 22 Winter and Holiday Seasons

of Life.... Living on the streets

Entering into the Holiday and Winter Season of 2021. And the starts

of my 22^ndWinter and Holiday Season OUTSIDE, living on the streets.

Forced to live in the raw brutality of being outside 24/7 from the turn

of the Century continues and the History being erased along the way.

Twenty-Two Seasons living in and through the Shadow Box of Life, of

Humanity. Seasoned and Simmered Season after endless season....

of Dashed Hopes, Empty Promises...living in the ruins of Society.

This is supposed to be the most Festive and greatest time of the year....

but living and breathing the streets for so long, I feel no excitement

about the Winter and Holiday Season currently underway.

Another Holiday Season that is Subdued... The Excitement

not lifting the air with the electric pulse as it used to and is once

again muted because of the Manufactured Pandemic and Forced Covid

Injections, along with the never-ending “Variants” while aggressively pushing

“Boosters” forcefully and continuing imposed restrictions; must receive

all the injections in order to be allowed into Life.... anywhere

and for everything. To do anything, to go anywhere;

Dining, movies, events (Concerts, Fair, Clubs, Parties, Gyms,

Gatherings of any kind),

Any place and every place where people are...

we are forced to get the Covid Injections, then required to

show Proof of Injections, Everywhere. I Refuse.

Life was already limited on the streets, now completely OFF LIMITS

for even the barest essentials. No longer allowed to live, in any

regard. Life has become unsustainable, unlivable, untenable.

It has become a stew of Hate and Contempt, that is Unforgiving,

Harsh and every word and action has to be fake, inauthentic...

and Politically Correct.

Leaving the Festive Holiday air Deflated and Muted. The

Vibrancy removed, the Festive feel no longer there.

But Holidays are just days, like all the rest.

Spent exactly like all the rest; alone, outside.

The only thing about the Season that affects me, is the weather

and Life, or the remains of what had once been a life.

When your life is cast off to the wayside like trash and debris,

and the Services that are supposed to be there, are non-existent,

Hope Shrivels and the lights Dim.... While the Echoes of Humanity

diminish further into the Peripheral abyss.

Holidays, Seasons, Birthday.... No matter the day, or time of year,

it all feels the same, regardless. But on the Holidays, finding open,

available restrooms to use and cleanup in become more of a

challenge, as well as finding food to eat when most, if not all

places are CLOSED.

Hardships remain, no matter the time of year. And being outside

24/7, makes those much more pronounced. Survival becomes

your Default mode, every moment of day and all throughout the night.

Being on high alert and not being able to let your guard down.

Life is different when it's lived Outside. Having to take everything

into account; Weather, Safety, Food, Shelter, what is open,

what is closed, restroom access and availability; plus, so much

more that consumes life in every regard.

Holidays just make that harder to complete.

The Devastating Toll living on the streets has on your body, your life,

your health and spirit.... is incomprehensible. It leaves scars that will

never heal, like permanent stains that cannot be removed.

Twenty-two Holiday Seasons, twenty-two Winter Seasons...

that is how long I have been on the streets and counting.

With untold more to follow in its wake. That is how long I have

been forced to live, or rather merely exist behind the fumes

of Humanity, on the streets, outside 24/7, without a home.

Family Traditions, visiting friends and family, food, conversation....

None of that holds when your life is on the streets. It becomes a

Tradition of ONE, no visitations (aside from Law Enforcement),

there are no friends or family or warmth... no food (Not in the

traditional sense of what Holiday Food includes...), and

conversations are usually one-sided. Mine, I share with my

notebook and pen, and the many of Nature's Beautiful

furry and feathered friends She brings my way.

But life on the streets has its own nuances.

You are surrounded in Surround Sound, every

moment, of Nature's Chorus.

22 Seasons of having my Hopes lifted, then crushed and Deflated... time

and again. 22 Seasons of living on the edge of Life, in the truest sense.

22 Seasons of being Deserted, Discarded and Forgotten about. 22 Seasons of

unanswered prayers. 22 Seasons of the Unforgiving elements and the hard,

cold ground forever awaiting my presence to resume in the space.

22 Seasons removed from my life.... Taken from me. Time that

I was denied Living in a real, substantial capacity.

Life, my life, shredded into unrecognizable shards, where

threads and particles are all that is left, where there once had

been a living, feeling human being. Now, nothing more than the

sum of what was left behind, taken by force, stolen, ruined and

destroyed. A life in tatters, from the continual

storms of the brutality of life.

Twenty-two Seasons of Living on the Streets.

Seasons of DECADES of Life without a Home.

Holidays 2021

2019 In Closing

2019 In Closing...

Another year coming to a close and another one about to begin.

This year has been overfilled and overflowing with devastating blows,

and one of the hardest to bare, especially in terms physically.

Deep into my 20^th Winter and Holiday Season outside.

Each day becoming more of a challenge to face and endure.

Food, something that is supposed to bring healing, has been more

damaging than anything else. The healthiest foods becoming the

worst culprits. And made worse when you have no place to go

for rest and allow for healing. Living on the streets means

your body lives and stays in a stressed out place that can never

be at rest. Your body and your life, continually unsettled.

20 FULL Seasons of not being able to eat reguarly, or properly.

Of not being able to rest, to heal, to BE. Of having nowhere to

go, no bed to sleep on, no kitchen to store, prepare and cook

real food. Your life and health are always being heavily

compromised because of it. Being exposed to

everything 24/7, builds your immunity to some regard,

while at the same time, destroying you completely.

They say “Time Heals All Wounds...”, but I have found the

opposite to be true, that the more TIME I am forced to

live, or merely exist in any sense of Life, outside without a home,

the more damage results. My body more of a vestige relic

of what no longer is. Shelled out and gutted...

Being lied to by all these various “Support” agencies, claiming

they are there to help and support the Homeless... claiming

they have the resources and expereince to help, yet continually

refusing the help they claim to offer for not being their

stereo-typical Homeless person that is always

projected, but does not portray the reality of.

Filling my head with empty promises, my heart with false hope,

with endless words with no meaning, while making

fabricated claims of all they will do, and how they will help

support me to move into more of the actual LIVING part of Life.

My heart sinking deeper in the empty hollowness each passing

moment I am forced to live on the outskirts of life itself.

As the weeks, months, years and decades go by with

increasing speed, I remain on the sidelines watching

and witnessing every moment of life fade in the

distance. As time moves forward, life is supposed

to be getting better, not worse. But life is

moving in reverse and getting worse as more

time passes, when you live on the streets.

Living on the streets changes you in so many ways,

and in ways you can never imagine. My life from before,

has long since ceased to exit. Has become more a figment

of imagination that is blurred and distorted, like a burned

photograph pulled from the ashes....you can no longer

tell what the image had been. Or from when.

2019 has truly been one of the WORST years I have

expereinced, and one I am glad to close and shut forever.

Not a year I will hold fondly in memory, and hoping to erase

it completely. Trying to find little flickers of Hope, of

Faith, of some semblance of MEANING and I am

coming up emtpy. Losing Hold of the WHY.

Christmas Time.. On the Streets 2018

Christmas.... 2018

Life on the Streets

19 Holiday Seasons and counting...

19 years of Holidays on the Streets. 19 Thanksgivings and Christmases spent in the park,

when the weather permits, with a large stack of books. It has become a tradition, year after year....

spent alone, in the park reading. When you have no place to go, nowhere to go and never

once invited any place, your options are quite limited. I never imagined decades would be

wholly consumed on the streets, and where it is made crystal clear, time and time again....

Your life has no meaning and means nothing to anyone. Otherwise, I would not be

experiencing my 19^th Holiday Season once more on the streets, where I have become a

staple of life, a standing figure, a fixture that has become the very landscape itself.

What is the purpose of life when that life is not welcome as part of society?? Life is

moving past me in a blur, and I have not been able to procure a ride

through it.... but only dragged through in its wake.

I had HOPE, and FAITH.... that I would find the help and assistance I would need when

I was forced from my home by and through the illegal actions of a despicable landlord, but

finding nothing but door after endless door, phone after endless phone slammed in my

face and in my ear. Hope has faded to the merest shadow of form and Faith....

not something I have anymore, in any regard. Any Faith I had has been shredded and

torn to something that can no longer be recognized, due to all the False Hope and

Empty Promises made to me, many times over from individuals,

those in Law Enforcement, as well Organizations.

Filling my head and heart with so much Hope, only to sharply

pull the rug right from under me.

Right from the start I was told I didn't have any legal recourse I could take, because the

landlords in the city of Alameda could do whatever they wanted, whenever they chose and

tenants had to abide, no matter what the landlord did, whether it was legal or not. This was

from the Bay Area Legal Aid, who is supposed to be there to help, especially to help those

with no other means to obtain legal action.

They informed me that the only thing I could do if I wished to pursue anything was to

retain a lawyer, and the minimum for that would be $5,000 to do so. Not the kind of

money I had anywhere. I called numerous attorneys, in the hope of finding one that would

hear my case and help. But no attorney would listen, and none of them wanted to get

mired in legalities of Landlord vs Tenants. And because I didn't have the means to

fund their “time”, or their expensive tastes of LIFE, I could find no help.

I didn't have the means to pay for anything, much less the thousands of dollars

for a retainer, and still not have any assurance that the attorney would be able to help.

So decades later..... those doors and phones are still being slammed on me.

And thus, marking this my 19^th Holiday Season of life on the streets.

A time when no one should be on the streets. But there is really no good time

to be on the streets. Holidays just make it harder. Life on the streets, a permanent

darkness that overflows in your heart, like molasses.

Holidays on the Streets... Just another Day in the Life.

Holidays are just another Day on the Streets.