The Compromise....

~ The Compromise.... Life on the Streets ~

Life is an endless series of compromise. And when that 

life is lived on the streets, even more so. Our lives, our health, 

our safety.... what we eat, how we live; are all deeply compromised. 

Without refrigeration, we cannot keep and safely store foods.

Our sleep is compromised and continually disturbed,
being rudely woken more nights than not, sometimes 

several times a night, just for not having the

luxury of sleeping inside a home, on a warm bed.

Comforts of Life.... have been compromised so completely, 

you forget what it was even like to have it a part of your life. 

You never realize what you had until it is gone, and then it 

is too late to really appreciate it for what it was and all it did.

Your very personality changes living on

the streets, from the inside out....and outside in.

The only language my body speaks and communicates 

in is through pain. Why is this the only language my 

body is fully fluent in and knows?

Decades of my life have been taken from me, consumed 

by the Streets. Everyday a painful and pain-filled reminder. 

Not a few days, a couple weeks, or a month or two, 

but decades of my life have been consumed on the streets.

I have spent several lifetimes on the streets....

Lifetimes that can never be recovered.

Living on the streets teaches you things just by being in a 

circumstance not of your choosing, but imposed on you, 

regardless. Nature truly is the Best Teacher.

It teaches you to be resourceful, and improvise as you

go along, using what you have on hand and all around. 

I have learned about the very essence of life

while on the streets. Nature teaches you how to survive 

by the very nature of being in Nature. And survival becomes 

second nature because of Nature.

You become a survivalist by the very nature

                                                        of being out in Nature.

You become better at disengaging.

I've learned how to make great coffee without the use of a 

coffee maker, and it turns out so much better and richer 

than any coffee maker could make. I've learned how to cook 

without the use of a kitchen, by using and utilizing

what I have all around me. Using a single item for 

hundreds of other uses.

Improvising through life, every moment of every day.

Living on the streets becomes more of a fine art, and the 

best training ground for life. Teaching you how to let go and 

move on, while learning to let things be as they are. 

Life teaching you on the Fly about how to be.

And should be included as an Olympic Sport...

I would medal at the very top!!

Living on the street takes camping to a whole new level.

Living on the Streets teaches you to be more resilient, stronger 

than you thought possible, and finding strength just by 

being present. Nature teaches you to adapt, because 

you have no other option available to you. It forces you to

change and bend to its will, not your own at any given time.

It conditions you to adhere to its Rules, and Will.... 

another Compromise.

Improvisation becomes second nature in all you do. You learn to

MacGyver your way through life when you live on the streets,

without the comforts of home, using a

single item for multiple purposes, like re-purposing LIFE

every moment of the day, all day, everyday

Living on the Streets

…. A Blessing and a Curse

You learn more about living and LIFE on the streets than

you could ever learn in any classroom. Nature teaches you

everything – about life, about death and what truly

matters in the deepest context.

You learn a lot about life, more about death and what truly

matters living on the streets. You come face to face

with who you really are – at the core level.

You find out what you are truly made of.

The lessons you learn on the streets are immeasurable in life. 

it changes who you are and strips you down until there is nothing

left and builds you up, literally forcing you to become a different you---

in every way, shape and form.

Being on the streets is wholly consuming, completely draining 

and leaves you depleted and raw, while hardening you 

around the edges and cutting you to the very core.

Life....and endless series of Compromise.

Blessed...

Blessed…

I am truly blessed.  Homeless,

 I don’t have a home, a bed, a kitchen,

a bathroom, and I live one the streets, but I am Blessed.

I am blessed to have access to the libraries

all around and the ability to check out materials with an

endless assortment of books to choose from, the use of computers,

scanner and printers…. I am Blessed.

I am Blessed to respect myself enough to not be “seen” as Homeless,

and then denied and refused assistance because I do not fit the part;

I do not look, smell, act or behave as a homeless person is scripted to be by society.

I am Blessed to share my days and nights with my furry and feathered friends,

my confidants and co-conspirators who nourish my heart and life like nothing else can.

I am Blessed to have a body that continues to carry the burden of life on the streets.

No, this isn’t the life I planned, but I am truly Blessed.

I am witness to Nature’s unfolding while watching the incredible sunsets and sunrises,

most mornings and evenings. Watching the colors being stroked across the skies

with the most perfect colors and brushes that bring the brilliance to the forefront,

which is breathtaking and immersive. Being present every moment,

feeling everything, seeing everything; becoming a part of the landscape in the truest sense…

blending in so fully and completely, you become invisible to society but fully

embraced by Nature and Her incredibly beautiful creatures that fill my life.

Counting Blessings everyday…

Though, most of time, it is the hardest challenge I have in my life,

finding those precious gems.

Living in Limbo....

Living in Limbo….

Life was not meant to be lived on the streets, on the sidelines as a bystander…. It was not meant to be drudgery, something to avoid and be disheartened with. But hope no longer resides on my heart, faith nonexistent….Love, have no idea what that even is. Maybe it's the disgust that comes across people’s faces when my circumstances or my very presence, really, become known, or perhaps it’s on the rude remarks and cruel comments directed at me every moment of the day, wherever people are present, or in the mockery of my movements, proceeded and then followed by laughter as people find the way I move hilarious as hell. Laughing out loud, or pretending to cough while trying not to choke from laughing while making fun of me…. Is that what love is??? I’ve come to truly dread being anywhere where people are anymore. I was born with a life sentence, given before I was even present in life, present before birth, and a lifetime physical sentence through the actions of others resulting in the way I move, or how I breathe. But the hardest to deal with are the rude ignorant remarks and cruel actions and behaviours of others at my expense. Being on the receiving end of the worst of humanity, makes me truly dread and come to hate having to go or be where anyone is. I no longer try reaching out to connect with others, what is the point?? When you are not seen for who you are, but rather how you look, the way you move (or don't, as the case may be), or judged by your circumstance.... but not the person you are. Not in how your heart may beat, what brings excitement to your eyes.... to your life. Not in your beliefs, not in your friendship, not in causes that mean something to you, not your skills, your humanity....nothing of substance. The only thing people choose to see is how you move and what your circumstance is, nothing more. You are not viewed or treated as a living, feeling being, but well below that of a human being.

I used to really love giving to others. Because I wanted to and it made me feel good, that is until my gifts were rejected, refused, and fully discarded because of my circumstance. And the ones I have given gifts to that they refused demanded to know "Where did you get this?", "How did you come by this?", "I can't take anything from you?". "You're nothing but a passenger, and I don't associate with passengers." Nothing I have given has been accepted, no matter what I have given.... not even my friendship has been welcome or accepted....just thrown in the trash. So I no longer try connecting with others.

Keeping to myself, more and more often. And then become immersed in Nature and her Beautiful gifts all around. Her beautiful feathered, furry, and winged creatures are my confidants, in the truest sense. They keep me going when life is too raw and ugly to endure, which is more often than not the case. Dragonflies and hummingbirds bring magic to my days.... alighting on me, time and again. Hummingbirds always draw my attention, and when they are really wanting to connect, they come over and hover just above my head when I am either meditating, reading and or writing, they wait for me to acknowledge the motor sound of their wings, and then when I look up to see them, they lower to face me directly, eye to eye. Once they have my attention, that is the time they take to rest on my knee, or the back of a hand..... or the closest branch near me, and begin their songs. It lifts my heart like nothing else. And when Dragonflies want my attention, they fly around my head, zipping past my vision, until I follow them with my eyes.... then alighting on my knee or forearm.  Butterflies landing on the tip of my nose, or sitting lightly on my finger-- The magic never fades, no matter how many times it occurs. But it is breathtaking every time and lets me know my presence matters, at least to a select few, if not actual people. Though, their friendship is what pulls me through, and means the world to me.

Animals and nature have always accepted me, welcomed me into their space..... always. Rarely, if ever, has that happened with people. What does this say about me?? But man's best friend has never been man..... but animal, and more precisely, dogs. Because animals see and feel the real person, they don't care what you do, where you live, how you move..... they accept you as you are. There is no pretense, there are no masks that have to be worn..... just being you. Perhaps that is why the majority of people who criticize my very presence, and insist on their being "so much help" available to people on the streets (which is an erroneous assumption that is not the least bit true or accurate when you don't fit the "part") that I must be out here by choice, would never be able to last a single night on the streets, much less the nearly 2 solid decades I have been forced to. Animals scatter in their presence, wanting nothing to do with them. I have survived out here for so long because of the connections I have with animals, something I have never had with people. People don't accept you for who you are, and they never will. With people, you always have to wear facades and masks that are not real in order to be "accepted", but that is not acceptance. And when you don't move in a predictable and acceptable manner, their cruelty knows no end. People can learn so much from animals in how to treat each other, but their greatest teachers are ignored or hunted for sport. That is why animals, for the most part, do not generally hang around people. They know when people mean harm and when they do not.

I didn't choose this life that I was sentenced to, nor the harsh treatment from humanity.... just for being who I am and moving in a way they don't like, and forced into a circumstance not of my choosing, while getting endless doors slammed in my face from places that are supposed to offer help and assistance. So why do people choose to make my life a nightmare that I cannot wake from??? Does tearing someone else to shreds make them feel better about who they are???? When all they are really doing is putting themselves in a much lower light that is not at all flattering. Whatever happened to the Golden Rule....Do Unto Others As You Would Have Others Do Unto You.

11 Holiday Seasons... and Counting

Holidays on the streets…Marking my 11^th year anniversary and still out here

2010 Season--

Well, here we are --- another year has passed by and another holiday season is under way-- this making the 11^th anniversary of being out here having to endure the holidays alone and on the streets still. And this year, probably more than the others has been weighing heavily on my heart and soul. I have been out here more than 10yrs now, a solid decade of living, breathing and being on the streets… the harsh toll it is taking and continues to take… just remembering to breathe and wondering why I bother. Just keeping myself going, to what end?? Been questioning life and what it is all about more and more. I never expected to be forced to stay outside for a single night, much less en entire lifetime and beyond. And those drivers that I thought so highly of have readily turned their backs on me and looking at me and treating me with such contempt now-- it makes me dread even having to catch the bus, and finding more and more I am staying away until I absolutely have to take it-- but the way it runs (or doesn’t run, now) makes it really challenging, if not completely impossible to get much of anywhere on it. And this is something that drags me down further, making me feel worse than I already do.

And the worst thing I have to contend with are the abundant assumptions and harsh words and criticism by all these County Connection drivers-- talking trash about me right in front of me… and spreading trash around. They are the ones who make being present something I am truly coming to dread. Not once have a single one of them come to me to understand or hear the truth. But they have no problems causing trouble for me… the devastation that leaves in its wake-- very disheartening. Keeping my distance from them more and more now-- and each year, leaves me more breathless.

The cherished animals that bring heart to my nights and embrace me with acceptance and so much love... not something I have ever truly experienced from the 2-legged human variety.  Another year come, and already gone.   And the streets prevail...   still holding me in its grip.   I often wonder, now, if this is the only life I will see to the end.   I have met and been embraced by a rare few remarkable individuals that have sprinkled bits and pieces of hope to my heart...   and I hold tight to those..   And that helps me face another day, and endless night once more... then begin again, with more of the same.   Still praying, meditating and trying to accept what is and letting go and letting God manage the details.   Breathing in the crisp night air, usually filled with rain, letting my heart fill with hope and love.