New Year's 2026... A New Beginning

New Year’s 2026

A New Beginning…

As 2025 has closed and 2026 is now unfolding,

I reflect back on the Quarter of a Century that

just ended. All I experienced, witnessed and went

through, all the volumes; volumes of which

could fill several libraries….

The entirety of this Century spent in the mere existence

on the periphery of humanity, on the streets, forced out

by and through the illegal actions of a despicable

landlord. Life has thrown me more than a few rough

patches, to say the least. My entire life hijacked

in the worst ways one could ever imagine.

That Temporary Street closure, looks like

it may be re-opening once again in the not too

distant future. And I am not looking forward

to any of it. Going back into the RAW of life.

Though, I am deeply grateful for the reprieve of being

off the streets, however briefly, with the in-home care.

It has given me a little room to BREATHE, but my

head remains on constant swivel.

But it will be going back out with no protection.

For so many years on the streets, that was the case.

It had only been the last few years of being on the

streets that protection came in the form of a vehicle.

Long since taken from me by and through the

actions of another, leaving me to pay the heavy,

hard price of their actions.

Having no lifeline and no mobility has imposed

great limits and heavy restrictions on everything

in my life, but even more so with what little income

I have coming in, which is partial SSI, supposed

to be full disability, but that is another way the

state and government screwed with me.

Battled them for over 16 years before finally being

approved, after more than a decade and a half of being

continually denied. They waited until the State disability

from previous employment had expired before finally

approving me for much less than what

I was fully entitled to receive.

Spoke with several lawyers, one of whom was referred

to me 3 times, all of whom refused to take my case,

telling me my case was too involved. Meaning they

would need to actually do some kind of work to earn

their hefty fees. None of whom were willing to do so.

And without transit to go to their forced “audits”,

where they shred and rip apart my life in every which

way they possibly can, citing it is to make sure I still

“qualify” to receive my income, when my status and

physical challenges are permanent and have not

just magically disappeared, nor will they ever.

Ransacking my life endlessly for

absolutely no good reason.

SSI continues its threats about stopping my only

source of income unless I go in person to their office

way over in Hayward. And it poses several challenges

for doing so; having no way to check my mail regularly,

for their required forced in-person audits that they send by

mail, except on foot. I cannot check my mail every day,

or every week, due to the distance and my being on

foot by and through the actions of another.

The impact of another’s actions rippling and

reverberating through every aspect of my life.

The New Year is supposed to be a New Start, a New

Beginning. That simply has not been the case. Finding

the help and support nowhere to be found. Having

doors slammed hard in my face, no matter

where I turn. Nothing there.

Being on foot makes it a real challenge trying to

take care of anything. My life forced onto the sidelines,

a permanent by-stander in my own life, which has

created a plethora of issues not being able to do

what I need to. There is a long list of things I need to

get to, that cannot wait indefinitely for me

to get to. Then having no one to help

no matter where you turn.

Checking my mail, grocery shopping, taking care

of essentials, going to appointments, volunteering,

donating my time and skills, or donating food that

I cannot eat or clothing that I no longer wear or

need, just to name a few things that being without

a vehicle not only makes more than challenging,

but impossible to take care of the bulk of.

Spending a great deal of time walking everywhere,

getting very little, if anything, accomplished.

Putting more miles on my feet, quite literally, than

most people do their cars, just to take care of the

barest of bare essentials; checking my mail, which

is about a 13 mile walk round-trip, grocery shopping

is every day, all week long, being able to only walk so

far and carry only so much. And that is only when

weather permits. More often than not, the grocery

trips are a huge waste of time, as the store,

whichever one I make it to, is generally out

of what it was I went for.

Something people simply cannot fathom,

that a Homeless person on the streets

for so long could possibly have anything to

take care of that is of any import. Yes, survival

takes center stage, and finding some place, any

place, to take care of the barest essentials

become all consuming, nothing goes away,

not the problems or responsibilities, it all just

gets rearranged and shifted to include the

additional ones brought on as a direct

result of being on the street.

Being forced to live on the streets does not

extinguish any problems, it just adds a whole lot

more to the mix; A much more challenging

mix to contend with.

Being without a lifeline and mobility, is

a prison worse than death.

Your life is suspended, permanently

suspended and cut off from life itself.

As the New Year begins to unfold, excitement

does not fill me, just a sense of dread while

struggling with gratitude. I am filled with

gratitude one moment, then Life crashes

into me and reality sets and settles back in.

Such a wonderful way to start the New Year!!

New Year 2026

 

The Year in Closing... 2025

2025 – The Year in Closing

This year has a deep mix of being a blessing and one of the

worst years I have experienced. Having my lifeline and mobility

forcibly taken from me by and through the actions of another,

leaving me stranded in the middle of life, forced to be a

permanent by-stander on the sidelines of my own life.

It has been a very rough, hard year in many ways and a comfort in a few.

Being on foot has been a real challenge, to say the least, trying to take care

of what I need to, most of which I have not been able to do being on foot.

So much I need to take care of that cannot be done on foot. Things that

cannot wait forever for me to get to. Put more miles on my feet than

most people do in their cars, and yet I am able to take of very little.

Being on foot takes a tremendously hard toll on your body,

especially when you are physically challenged as a

direct result of another’s actions.

But one of the many blessings I am counting is being off the streets

and having a roof over my head where I am not directly in the

elements like I had been for a quarter of a century. And hopefully,

being off the streets is permanent. I cannot go back to that. It took

so much from me, so much away from me. But the streets are so

deeply embedded through every fiber of my being, I can no

sooner erase it from my life, my memories,

my body than I can stop breathing air.

Living, or rather merely existing around the threads of society, for

so long, not only strips you of your Self, but completely erases and

destroys it in every measurable way. It splinters and fragments

that completely shred the Self in millions of shards and pieces

that can never be fully re-collected and made whole. There

will always be pieces missing that cannot be

replaced or restored.

Life on the streets wipes it out, takes a tremendous amount

away from you., things that you can never get back.

But unable to go anywhere, since my lifeline was taken from me,

leaving me permanently on foot, which makes it all but impossible

to take care of much or be able to go anywhere, left stranded.

My life limited and restricted by and through the actions of another.

And being endlessly rattled and shaken, repeatedly by literally

100s of earthquakes that has hit in numerous clusters for over a

month., and continues. Each one, and then the long succession

of them, leaves a feeling of being rattled, unsettled and a

more than a little disturbing and disorienting.

It has been a very damaging, devastating year. There is no good

time to be without a vehicle, your Lifeline and mobility, but this time

of year is the absolute worst to be without one and forced to be a

permanent by-stander on the sidelines of your own life,

pushed to the wayside...

Having a roof over my head, however temporary it may be, without

a vehicle is much easier to bear than the same being on the streets

without one, which was the case for several years. At the very least,

I am not out directly in the elements through the night, and that

in and of itself, is such an incredible blessing.

This is one year that will not be missed.

But one impossible to forget.

As the year comes to a close, 2025 leaves more than an indelible

mark and the impression, not a good one at that. Not all scars are visible.

Closing of 2025...

Stranded...

 

Stranded…

in the middle of life

Left stranded in the middle of life, my life. My lifeline

and mobility taken so violently from me by and through

the actions of another. Making life more challenging

with each moment’s passing after my parked vehicle was

hit and totaled in the middle of the night back in March.

Forced to be a permanent by-stander in my own

life. Finding it harder and harder to be grateful.

Having what I need taken from me, time and again.

Gratitude is not what is filling my heart. Having my

lifeline and mobility taken from me, limiting and

restricting the income I have coming in and the

extraordinary prices that continue to soar further

and farther into the stratosphere plus a plethora

of other issues and challenges that have come

about and more rising with each moment as a

direct result of having no vehicle.

Struggling to find and truly feel Gratitude in the seams

and tears in the fabric of life, in just trying to take care

of the barest essentials, which have now become luxuries

that can no longer be had, especially not on foot.

Fall has always been my favorite season; the colors, the

crisp mornings, the rich scents of nature. The colors of

Fall are my colors, the colors I love, the colors I wear

and the colors that work best with my skin tone.

And though I love the Fall season, I am not a fan

of the Holidays, even less so now without mobility.

The only upside to this moment is being inside, however

briefly it may last. And that I am not directly out in the

elements, back on the street with no protection or safety,

like had been the case for a Quarter of a Century.

So not looking forward to a repeat of any of that.

This season, it is truly a mixed blessing.

Feels more cursed than anything. My entire life has felt cursed.

The bad continues to heavily overshadow the good, which has

been sprinkled so sparingly, very little, to say the least. Having

what I need taken from me time and time again makes me wonder

what the hell is the point in even being here, in any regard.

With the Holidays just days away, the hardship of not having

a vehicle continues to mount. I do not have any place to go,

not invited anywhere, but being able to go somewhere,

taken from me. I usually spend the holidays, hiking

(if weather permits) or reading and writing. More often

than not, combining them all together. After gathering

a good collection of books from the library.

This year, it will be spent reading, writing and walking

Paul’s dog, Abby. Abby and I sharing our day together.

I am grateful to have at least Abby to share the time with.

I am tremendously blessed and so deeply grateful to

have a roof over my head for the time being, and I know

how huge it is to have this roof over my head, especially

after being forced to live on the hard, rough streets for

a few months short of a Quarter of a Century.

And having this roof over my head, here and now, is

what is pulling me into the spirit of gratitude.

Left Stranded….

Paying the Price... STILL

Paying the Price...Still

Months after the fact, after my lifeline and mobility was so

violently taken from me, after an Asian woman hit and totaled

my parked vehicle in the middle of the night back in March during

the Daylight-Saving time change, where the woman took out

3 vehicles that night, first mine, then the truck parked in front

of my vehicle and hers, I finally received a small settlement

from her insurance. I had been searching

endlessly for a replacement.

But the small sum did not afford much in terms of

replacing my vehicle and lifeline. And the challenges it

imposes on getting to the places to search for a replacement.

But I finally found what appeared to be a good deal on a

2005 Nissan Quest van.

But turns out, nothing good about it.

The guy who sold it to me was quite sketchy.

He LIED to me about absolutely everything

in regard to this vehicle. And I so wish I could turn

back the hands of time and not purchase

what turned out to be a Junker.

One of my deep weaknesses is trusting people,

being too trusting, which has caused a lot of

harm to me and in my life as a whole.

Being too honest and too trusting

have cost me enormously.

First off, the guy told me it was a clear and clean

title, it’s not, it is in LIEN status from previous

owners. FAILED SMOG across the board, as the

Check Engine light had been disconnected as had the

Fuel Gauge and Odometer, both blank, and

the Catalytic Converter, removed.

I didn’t know it was in LIEN until I went to the

DMV to get it transferred and registered in my

name. Then the DMV demanding that I owe them

all the back fees for someone else’s inactions.

Not only that, but they forced me to get the SMOG.

When I returned to the DMV showing the SMOG

Failed, they told me I had to repair it and get

another SMOG until it passed.

That will never happen.

When I took the van in to be inspected, found that the

wiring has to be redone, everything inside the van

and under the hood needs to be replaced and repaired.

I took it over to the Carwash across from Wendy’s and was

overcharged for it being a van, not only was I overcharged

for the service, they did a crappy job and to boot, the battery

was dead when it came out of the wash and parked.

Turns out, the tow guy put in a wrong sized battery,

And put it in backward with the cables barely connected.

I have reached out to the tow guy several times,

he has chosen to ignore me entirely.

Instead of doing the right thing, he chose

the opposite direction. Certainly not a show

of Integrity, Character or Honesty on his part.

These are simply not things he stands for.

The DMV refuses to release the title and

registration to me, until the back fees

from everyone else is PAID off and the

Blasted SMOG passes, leaving me in

a difficult place, to say the least.

I reached out to attorneys; they refuse to take the case.

So, time and again, I find myself paying the heavy

price of another person’s actions. That is really messed up!!!

Still paying the price….

A Birthday Gift...

 

A Birthday Gift…

And one to Remember...

8/15/25

This has been a birthday of remembrance, something I

will hold and cherish. A gift, in the form of a colorful bouquet

of flowers being hand delivered to me by Janet, who has

blessed my life in many ways, caught me just as I was in

the process of walking Abby, the dog of the man whose

father I was doing in-home care with, and handed me

the beautiful array of a colorful bouquet on the

morning of my birthday.

Making it a birthday I will always remember

in the best way. To know that someone actually

cared enough to make my day special, a day that

was for the first time, remembered, other than by me,

usually when I do, though, it is after the fact.

The flowers brightened my day immeasurably and

let me know someone actually cares. That alone

brings a tiny glimmer of hope.

Every once in a while, the invisibility cloak unveils

and disperses for a moment or two, and someone

chooses to see me, at least for that tiny brief

moment, feelings of being Human emerge.

Hope filled my being, for a brief moment or two,

then reality settled back in. And the hope faded back

and disappeared into the ether, once again.

But the Beauty of the flowers, hand delivered and

being seen for a brief moment and actually acknowledged

on my Birthday, is something I will always

cherish and remember.

This birthday truly was a Gift!

Paying the Price...

 

Paying the Price…

My life has been side-lined once again, by and through

the actions of another after a woman who was either texting

or sleeping, was not paying attention to the road when she

came down the street where I was doing in-home care, at a

fast speed, smashing first into my parked car before moving

on to crash into the truck parked right in front of my car.

Jolted hard and fierce in the middle of the night through

the time change of Daylight-Saving artificial time switch

when an ear-splitting high pitch screech followed by 2

loud crashes directly in front of the home I was doing

in-home care in occurred.

All vehicles were totaled. The woman was rewarded

with a brand-new vehicle, while I remain on foot.

After her totaling 3 vehicles, how is she allowed

to even be driving? It cost her nothing, and cost

me so much, took away my lifeline, my mobility,

and left me unable to do much of anything.

Being so violently torn from sleep, Paul and I both went

out to see what happened. Finding a hysterical Asian

woman standing on the sidewalk after first hitting my

parked car then the truck that was parked in front of mine,

with her car smashed in between, all vehicles totaled from

her distracted state she had been driving in, coming down

the residential street at a very fast clip, either texting or

otherwise distracted with something else, immediately

took away my lifeline and mobility, not to mention

my source of income, leaving me on foot.

But I am so deeply grateful that I have a roof over

my head, however temporary it may be, and not

back on the streets with no protection at all,

like had been the case for the first several years

on the streets, where I had no vehicle, no

protection, no safety.

Her actions, though, have caused irreparable harm

in so many ways. Her actions gutted my life. Becoming

a forced by-stander in my own life, once again, through

the actions of another, where I am forced to pay the

heavy price from what someone else has done.

I cannot volunteer my time and skills, cannot donate

what I no longer need or use, cannot take any assignments,

go to any appointments, pick up groceries, check my

mail or do a thousand other things…on foot. That was

all taken from me, all from another person’s actions.

Not only was my mobility taken from me, again, leaving

me on foot, it literally put my life on hold, like a permanent

suspension. Unable to take care of even the most basic

essentials. Cannot take care of much on foot.

As the challenges having no vehicle increases,

essentials become more and more of a luxury

while life itself becomes out of reach.

Paying the Price...