New Year's Day 2023 - A Gift

The Gift...2023

New Year's Day

New Year's Day Dawned a Beautiful Gift, bright and CLEAR,

opened and started with blue skies in all directions.

The New Year unfolded as a Gift. Giving us a much

needed break, however slight, from the

endless onslaught of pounding rains.

The morning arose chilled, but quickly warmed

with the bright welcome heat of the sun. Temps rose

to the 60s and turned out to be so Beautiful.

A Gift before the heavy, endless and relentless rains

once again settled in for another long residency, one

that is more violent and unleashes extreme fury. At least

we were given that Beautiful day as the New Year

rolled over from the previous one.

As Mother Nature throws more Temper-tantrums,

upgraded to the worst level... As she releases her

Violent, Furious temper, it brings out tempers all around.

And is so draining. The harsh weather wears you out.

Mother Nature's long rampage has left and is leaving

deep, devastating destruction in her wake. Endless

flooding, widespread damage...Iconic places; Piers,

Restaurants, and others, completely wiped out.

Demolished. With the relentless, endless heavy,

hard torrential rains and winds that have and continue

to pummel us with Atmospheric Rivers they refer to as

“The Pineapple Express”. But there were no Pineapples.

Nothing sweet about the storms ripping through.

Yet, the so-called “Experts” continue to claim

we remain in Severe Drought, despite the heavy

hammering of flooding waters from the torrential rains.

Claiming no amount of water will be enough.

It's as though the Universe has completely upended

the Entire(ty) of the oceans and reversed it upside down

over our heads... How long does it take to drain and

empty the ocean turned upside down?

End over end? We're finding out.

An ocean with no bottom and never drains...

upended and overturned over our heads. One of the most,

if not the most destructive, damaging winters we have had

here. Widespread damage from the heavy, endless hard rains.

Where most everything now is under water... and yet the

rains continue to fall. Taken up A permanent residency.

Experiencing weeks and weeks of unsettled weather,

leaving everything and everyone unsettled in

its wake along with it all.

More than a month and a half of brutal, battering storm

systems, one on top of another. Leaving us battle

worn and weary. Streets blockaded, trails locked and

gated. Roofs collapsing, Beaches wiped out,

Piers gone. While More and more of our lives are

becoming inaccessible. More and more are being

forced to evacuate their lives and livelihood.

But I have found the humor in it.... it took some time,

years actually. But I can see the light through it.

This is my 23^rd Winter outside. And it took years for

me to find the humor in Life itself. Since birth, it has

always felt, looked and tasted like a cruel punishment.

And most of the time, still does. Especially being

forced to live as a permanent resident of the streets.

The weather makes living and life on the street

so much more challenging. In all regard.

Making it difficult, if not downright impossible,

to go anywhere. And even though I now have

a “roof” over my head, though not a dry roof,

as all the doors and trunk rains inside, soaking

not only me, but the floor and all my things as well.

Which brings about a whole other set of issues

to contend with. But I am still in the direct contact

with the weather. Having to go outside in the rain and

wind to get to the bathrooms to clean up, which are

flooded with standing water inside, and back out

in the weather to the car. Having to get out in the

weather to take care of any personal needs.

And weather-wise, this year has been one of the hardest

ones to endure, outside without a home. But has it been

one of the worst ones on the streets? It's Definitely high

on that list!! But it has been hard and challenging.

As for New Year's Resolutions.... I do not

participate. That nonsense has never made sense to me.

And being forced to live as a permanent resident

of the streets, what is the point?

But my goals, if you will, remain the same; survival.

It would be so nice to no longer have to struggle for purchase

and agency in life... a life where I have never been welcome,

to just roll over and be done. Never having to worry about

being forced to leave just for being present and having literally

no place to go, where to go, if you'll be safe through the

night, if, what, how or where you will eat. Not having to

worry about if you will ever have a real home, a place

of privacy and shelter, where I can finally just BE.

Not have to worry about anything, anymore. And I

will no longer have to live in survival mode 24/7.

Service providers are there in name only. And having

no resources, well... Dreams can only take you so far...

until you awaken. But mine only circle back on life on the

streets. I cannot even picture being in a home, a real home,

again. Living and breathing the streets every moment

for nearly half a century now, that is what my dreams are

about. I can no longer feel what a home feels like.

Not looking forward to this year, this New Year,

as it unfolds. Having nowhere to turn or go.

Life, if one could call being a moving shadow a LIFE,

remains as it has, no matter how hard I reach up for

purchase, I have no agency to pull out and have a life

that Matters. No matter how much I struggle or let go,

Life continues to hold me in the Boxing Match.

Life remains... regardless of the New Year.

The Toll of Living on the Streets...

The Toll of the Streets….

When your life is lived on the streets, the longer you are forced to live outside,

the harder the toll it takes on you, especially in terms physically.

Living on the streets exposes you to everything and

everyone, even when your very presence is unwelcome.

Aside from not being able to eat properly;

(as real meals are a rarity that becomes a treasured morsel when you do have

a real meal to eat)  the three most pressing things that take the

hardest toll on you on the streets; the weather, battling an endless array of insects,

and the attitudes and treatment from people deciding that we warrant their

ugliness due to a circumstance we didn't choose.

Life on the streets; most people never consider what it is actually like

having to live your life, every facet of your life, on the streets.

But when you are outside 24/7, you don’t get a break from the weather.

And even more so having to contend with the stormy weather; high winds,

heavy rains, stormy weather filled with misery

and having no place to really protect yourself from any of it.

It is like being in the boxing ring with a hundred fighters,

pummeling you, over and over and over….. when the harsh rains and heavy

winds finally ease back, you literally feel as though not only

were you beat to hell by it all, but like you have been run over

by a steam roller, going back and forth, slowly crushing you first

from one end, then to the other, then being hit by and run over by

a large truck. It tears you up having no choice but to endure

and experience Mother Nature at Her worst.

One of my main areas I stay in, well, actually one of the spots

I have found for the night, where I have been staying for quite some time,

is no longer available due to Mother Nature’s fury.

When I left my “spot” earlier in the day, the tree I was under was

still up and still standing, but on my return; the same tree was downed

directly where I had been. Just glad I was not there when it happened.

Another thing people never consider for those of us having

to live on the streets and battle the weather,

is our areas get flooded out, frozen over, and trees come down all around you,

or directly in your path that held your presence just a brief time earlier.

This is certainly not the first time having to move by force of Nature.

One of the many hazards of having to live outside.

There is a long list of contenders fighting for attention.

Living on the streets turns into how to survive this thing called LIFE,

that is more of a cruel joke than anything else, when that very life is lived on the streets.

The hazards of streets life….

Oh let me count (some of) the ways;

* Weather in every extreme....from the baking heat of Summer to the

freezing temperatures of Winter with Heavy rains, pummeling hail,

harsh, crushing winds that bring about downed trees, downed power lines,

flooded areas making it impossible to get where you need to go,

frozen ground, frost covered ground, icy patches that bring you

crashing to the ground, an endless assortment of insects

that only come out through and during the night;

as they seek you out for dinner... and lunch… and breakfast, along with

anytime in between, leaving their marks on your person;

The muck and mire of street life.

Winter is truly the worst time having to live on the streets.

During the warmer months, it is easier to move around,

but the heat makes it more challenging to breathe,

while the colder temperatures are much more challenging to move in

and around, but the air is easier to breathe.

* No regular meals, no ready access to facilities to use for

waste disposal (finding a restroom) or clean up.



* Being assaulted and consumed, night after endless night by insects.

* Nowhere to be but not allowed wherever you are.

* Holidays – as this limits transit, if it runs at all, and

makes clean up and waste disposal (trying to find a restroom)

an even greater adventure, since every place is closed.

And clean up is always under icy cold water to wash your face

and body, and hair. Clean up in cold weather, is really hard to endure,

adding the icy temps of the icy cold water, mixed with the icy, cold, biting air.

* Finding some place to wash clothes, which usually ends up being

a park sink filled with cold, icy water. Then drying is done by blanketing

bushes and stringing line or cord between trees or poles to lay some clothes

over like a clothes line. It works OK, unless the weather is always wet and soggy.

* Finding yourself covered in people’s nasty habits; chewed gum, spit,

junk from smokers, chewed tobacco, eliminating wherever they choose….

and their pets eliminations they refuse to pick up after, And Nature itself….

Insects. Just to name a few.

* During the day, unless it is a Holiday, you can usually find

some place to go for a little while, but come evening, there is no place to go.

Everything and every place shuts down for the night.

Aside from some Safeways that are open 24/7, you cannot always rely

on having that to go to through the night.

Survival mode becomes your default setting every moment of the day,

and all through the night. A mode you find has no turn off switch.

On guard all the time. But being outside is much safer than any so-called “shelter”.

Not to mention, you have no privacy. The thing about shelters that people

fail to understand is you cannot just “go to a shelter”. It does not work that way.

You have to literally make an appointment several weeks, or months well in

advance to do an “intake”. They won’t let you just walk in anytime

because the weather is bad. If you have not had an “intake” taken, they

shut the door in your face, and tell you to call in a few weeks. Yet, how

are you supposed to call? Even when you are able to find a way to call, you are

repeatedly told to keep calling back, because they have no room. So you are

stuck in the cycle, and going in circles, only to keep

ending up right where you were.