Paying the Price...

 

Paying the Price…

My life has been side-lined once again, by and through

the actions of another after a woman who was either texting

or sleeping, was not paying attention to the road when she

came down the street where I was doing in-home care, at a

fast speed, smashing first into my parked car before moving

on to crash into the truck parked right in front of my car.

Jolted hard and fierce in the middle of the night through

the time change of Daylight-Saving artificial time switch

when an ear-splitting high pitch screech followed by 2

loud crashes directly in front of the home I was doing

in-home care in occurred.

All vehicles were totaled. The woman was rewarded

with a brand-new vehicle, while I remain on foot.

After her totaling 3 vehicles, how is she allowed

to even be driving? It cost her nothing, and cost

me so much, took away my lifeline, my mobility,

and left me unable to do much of anything.

Being so violently torn from sleep, Paul and I both went

out to see what happened. Finding a hysterical Asian

woman standing on the sidewalk after first hitting my

parked car then the truck that was parked in front of mine,

with her car smashed in between, all vehicles totaled from

her distracted state she had been driving in, coming down

the residential street at a very fast clip, either texting or

otherwise distracted with something else, immediately

took away my lifeline and mobility, not to mention

my source of income, leaving me on foot.

But I am so deeply grateful that I have a roof over

my head, however temporary it may be, and not

back on the streets with no protection at all,

like had been the case for the first several years

on the streets, where I had no vehicle, no

protection, no safety.

Her actions, though, have caused irreparable harm

in so many ways. Her actions gutted my life. Becoming

a forced by-stander in my own life, once again, through

the actions of another, where I am forced to pay the

heavy price from what someone else has done.

I cannot volunteer my time and skills, cannot donate

what I no longer need or use, cannot take any assignments,

go to any appointments, pick up groceries, check my

mail or do a thousand other things…on foot. That was

all taken from me, all from another person’s actions.

Not only was my mobility taken from me, again, leaving

me on foot, it literally put my life on hold, like a permanent

suspension. Unable to take care of even the most basic

essentials. Cannot take care of much on foot.

As the challenges having no vehicle increases,

essentials become more and more of a luxury

while life itself becomes out of reach.

Paying the Price...

New Year's 2025

New Year’s 2025

A New Hope…

A new year unfolding right in front of me. A new year

filled with hope. Something I haven’t experienced

for so long I know not where to begin to place it.

Being forced to live on the streets for nearly a

Quarter of a Century has left an Indelible mark on

every facet of my life and all through my body.

Finding myself living in Gratitude for seeing

colors and beauty all around. For having a solid,

safe roof over my head at the start of a New Year,

instead of being outside. It is a very new, very

different, very beautiful way to live.

Grateful to have a bathroom to use, and a bed

to lay on. Birds right outside my window, their

songs, a continual melody to my heart.

I was on the streets for so long, there was no

differentiating me from the streets, where I

began and where the streets ended, where the

streets started and I ended… it was so intricately

woven into the fabric of my very essence. I

could not tell one from another.

Even months after finally getting off the streets,

I cannot let go of the streets. It remains in all I do,

in how I respond, and in the essence of me. I am still

caring for the elderly gentleman whose son gave me

the step up and the hand up, not a handout, to get

off the streets that I have needed for this entire

century, though, certainly not in the way I

hoped for, but a step-up, nonetheless,

that lifted me from the streets.

But it was a path off the streets, at least for the

time being. I cannot say how long I will be here.

Paul’s dad has had to keep returning to the hospital,

then to their rehab. He will be 89 years of age this

year…. He has long since outlived his body in every

way. With him constantly falling and unwilling

or unable to use his weight to stand, he goes back

to rehab, hoping to gain the needed strength to

be at this house and at least be able to get up

and use the bathroom on his own, which is

something he is having more and

more difficulty with.

As he returns back to the house, Paul will give

his dad a few days, and if his dad can manage getting

up and using the bathroom on his own, he will be able

to stay. But if he cannot use it on his own, Paul will

be placing him in a nursing home. I do not know

where that leaves me, but for now, Paul is

keeping me on to take care of Abby, his

mixed breed dog, and to keep his home kept.

It puts my residency in a Limbo I am not at all

comfortable with. It literally hangs in the balance

of Paul’s decision, which affects more than just

his dad. I absolutely dread having to go back to

the streets, but with the limited income I receive,

that leaves little option for much else, but

doesn’t make it any easier having

to face the streets once again.

I am trying to stay positive, hope for the best.

A different start to this New Year,

to be sure. And perhaps I can finally put the

Streets behind me, though the streets remain so

deeply infused into every pore of my essence…

it will never fully and entirely be behind me.

A New Year filled with the promise of a New Start.

Closing 2024... Christmas and Winter Season

Christmas and Winter 2024

Closing out the year…

As the winter season begins and the end of the year

begins to close, book-ended by the Holidays, and the

Holiday Season, I reflect on having a roof over my

head this year, though, not the roof I would have

chosen or preferred, it is still a roof over my head

and a reprieve from being forced to live on the

streets like I had been forced to do for so long,

nearly half my life was spent on the streets,

my life stripped from me and taken.

A life in Full-surround sound and video.

Our lives the Feature film for all to see and hear,

where admission for the public is always free, but

at our expense. Every moment of our lives on

running video, spied on 24/7, with no down time.

So, the shift to caring for an elderly gentleman to

get off the streets for his care, is something I am

truly thankful for. But it is a mixed blessing.

Still have no space to just BE. No privacy.

The cons tend to overshadow the pros. But I am

able to finally shelve all the horror of the streets

and the endless nightmare it was and put it out

of reach for now. The harassment of just being

present, gone. That brings light to my heart with

hope for going forward. Though, I can never erase

what being on the streets was, or what I went

through, or the effects it had on me,

the residues of it remain.

Something I will never be able to wash from

my body or memory, as it is so intricately woven

through the fabric of my soul. Indelibly fused

to every fiber of by being.

Mentally and physically, I am still in the space

of being on the street, even though I have been

off the streets for a while now, I still feel like

I am out there. And I know at any moment,

that very well may be the case, again.

Holidays are not a pleasant time for me. I hate

the heavy, thick parking lot traffic everywhere,

the frantic frenzy of everyone, the rushing to

go and be and do 2 seconds faster than

everyone else. All of it just wears me down

and wears me out. Drains me on every level.

I hate the mass packed crowds, the deafening

volume all around. Have just never been a fan

of the Holidays. I dread this time of year. But

I am thankful and have a tremendous amount

to be grateful for. I am focusing on the

good as best as I can.

Being inside as the year comes to a close

is a first in a very long time.

Finally able to close, at least temporarily,

that chapter and finish the book. The book was

quite long and it never felt like it would

finish, the ending nowhere in sight,

just went on and on and on.

So, a New book begins and the pages

are already filling up.

Closing 2024…

The Next Chapter

A Season of Hope...

 

A Season of Hope…

Thanksgiving 2024

For nearly a quarter of a Century, my Holidays, along

with every day of the year, were spent on the streets, where

every day, regardless of the day or date, turns into “Just

another day”. And though, this year, they are still just

days, nothing meaningful, it is not on the streets.

This is first time spent indoors.

No, I have no one to share it with or have any

plans to be with anyone, meet anywhere and

I have not been invited anywhere, but I am

grateful to be off the streets, no matter how

temporary it may be, reflecting and

drawing up memories of love.

I will be Spending the day quietly with

Abby, Paul’s mixed breed dog. So we’ll walk

and have a Girl’s day. She loves her walks,

something she begs and pleads with

me to take her on.

The elderly gentleman I have been caring

for is currently in the hospital because I cannot

lift him. He kept falling and was unable

to get up and use the bathroom without great

help to do so. But Paul is keeping me on

at the house, for the time being.

His dad is apparently doing fine, according

to Paul and is in rehab working to be able

to get up and use the bathroom on his own.

I do not know where things are going from here…

or how long I will be there. I do not know if his dad

will be returning back to the house or not. But I

cannot lift him. He is dead weight. So, if he is

unable to get up on his own and be able to use the

bathroom on his own, he will not be coming back.

And where does that leave me? Back to the streets?

A prospect I dread. But I’m trying to keep my

hopes high and pray for the best for all.

Focus on the Good.

Being grateful to have a roof over my head

this year, especially as the weather turns. Grateful

to have mobility and a vehicle that is safe and running

well. I am grateful for the breathing space and time

away from the streets. I am grateful to have a bed

to lay on a few minutes here and there.

There will be no celebrations, not here, anyway.

No decorations. The only decoration is the

Vase of Flowers I got for the house on

my birthday. The flowers and stems are

dead, but I keep them there in the room

between the kitchen and garage.

Looking to add more flowers to it.

Like some fresh roses from the front yard,

coming up along the driveway and right

in front of the back gate. Noticed some

beauties blooming that would brighten the

place and offer a focal point of gratitude.

I know it will be much more challenging this

time around, if I am forced back to the streets;

with a much smaller vehicle, less space. But I

will adapt. And continue to breathe, or remind

myself to breathe and take another step

forward, moment by moment.

But focusing on the good, and I am Thankful for the

reprieve off the streets, having a roof over my

head, a room with a door that I can close and a

place to just Breathe for a moment.

Thanksgiving 2024

Temporary Street Closure...

 

Street Closure…

Nearly a quarter of a Century being forced to live

and merely exist on the exhaust of Humanity, on the

Periphery of life itself for decades before a door

finally cracks open and a temporary end to merely

existing finally comes about, then right back to

the grind of street life. Not a prospect to

look forward to, and I’m not.

Life on the streets is like being trapped and sucked

into a time warp, where the only thing that changes is

the weather, going from oven baking, blistering heat to

frigid temps and everything in between. Having no

place to go, where do you go?

Being forced to live on the streets is beyond

challenging; having to contend with how to live

and be without any of the things readily available,

but not accessible for people living on the streets,

that people take for granted, Laundry, Showers,

having a usable and accessible bathroom to do

your private business, eating, sleeping, finding

drinkable water, clothing, shelter….

The list is endless.

But like with anything in life, our bodies and

minds quickly adapt to whatever settings and

circumstances we find ourselves in, and it

becomes the Norm. And so common place, You

no longer think about the How's or the whys,

you just do and go about your business,

like it is something you have always done.

But when you live on the streets, your business

soon becomes everyone's business, regardless.

Your life and everything you do, everywhere

you go is always playing on the Public Movie

screen, where admission to the public is

always free, at our expense. No privacy,

no matter what private matters you

need to take care of.

And finally having a reprieve, albeit a

temporary one, is a Gift, and something

I am truly grateful for. But I find I am still

not able to let down my guard. My head

remains on constant swivel…

And as it unfolds more, giving me more breathing

space from life on the streets, I do not know if it

will make things easier or more challenging

when, in all likelihood, I will be forced to return

to the streets once the older gentleman I care

for and cleanup after has passed on to the

next life and his next journey. I do not

know how long my position caring

for him will last, a few days, weeks,

months perhaps…. Maybe longer?

Of course, there are pros and cons to the

position, pros and cons to everything in life,

but I try to count the blessings and positives,

though the cons do tend to greatly overshadow

the good and the blessings all around.

Focusing on the good is my goal.

Living on the streets takes a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your heart, mind and soul

in ways that are truly unimaginable.

The moment you find yourself on the street,

is the very moment you lose yourself, your

humanity and what it is and means to be

human. You immediately stop being treated

as a living, breathing being from others….

And become non-existent.

Becoming invisible in plain sight…

A Birthday to Remember...

 

A Birthday to Remember…

2024

Most people are blessed on their birthdays,

and they are celebrated for their presence

and the Gift their life has been to others.

I have always wondered what that would be like.

Being celebrated just to be alive, being present,

and have a day of the year where my life,

my presence truly mattered to others.

But my birthdays have always been

unacknowledged. Days that are ignored

and brushed to the wayside, just another

day that is irrelevant and meaningless.

This birthday was spent cleaning up after an

elderly gentleman all day. What a way to

spend it. No one noticed, or even cared.

It has always been one sided. I always

remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries,

holidays and so forth, but mine goes by unnoticed.

Mine is silent. Just another day to make quite

clear that my presence has never mattered to anyone.

And this year, a mirror of last year (with the

exception of being inside this year) … were spent

taking care of Paul’s dad and cleaning up after him,

and the crap covered bathroom, doing his laundry.

The one positive about his dad is he is polite.

I realize how difficult it is for his dad to have a

female cleaning him and cleaning up after him.

I direct him to do what he can to help lessen

the effect of having me bathe and clothe him.

But the constant cleanup makes it a real

challenge to be grateful being here. I am

grateful, though. And having the reprieve,

however temporary it may be, from the

streets, fills my heart with gratitude.

Room and Board in exchange for taking

care of and cleaning up after his elderly father.

And though this was not the birthday I ever dreamed

of, it is finally one that is not spent on the streets,

and free of the endless harassment, and that is a Gift.

Even though my birthday continues in silence

with no acknowledgment, it is the first one in nearly

a Quarter of a Century where it

is inside.

A Birthday to remember.