Stranded...

 

Stranded…

in the middle of life

Left stranded in the middle of life, my life. My lifeline

and mobility taken so violently from me by and through

the actions of another. Making life more challenging

with each moment’s passing after my parked vehicle was

hit and totaled in the middle of the night back in March.

Forced to be a permanent by-stander in my own

life. Finding it harder and harder to be grateful.

Having what I need taken from me, time and again.

Gratitude is not what is filling my heart. Having my

lifeline and mobility taken from me, limiting and

restricting the income I have coming in and the

extraordinary prices that continue to soar further

and farther into the stratosphere plus a plethora

of other issues and challenges that have come

about and more rising with each moment as a

direct result of having no vehicle.

Struggling to find and truly feel Gratitude in the seams

and tears in the fabric of life, in just trying to take care

of the barest essentials, which have now become luxuries

that can no longer be had, especially not on foot.

Fall has always been my favorite season; the colors, the

crisp mornings, the rich scents of nature. The colors of

Fall are my colors, the colors I love, the colors I wear

and the colors that work best with my skin tone.

And though I love the Fall season, I am not a fan

of the Holidays, even less so now without mobility.

The only upside to this moment is being inside, however

briefly it may last. And that I am not directly out in the

elements, back on the street with no protection or safety,

like had been the case for a Quarter of a Century.

So not looking forward to a repeat of any of that.

This season, it is truly a mixed blessing.

Feels more cursed than anything. My entire life has felt cursed.

The bad continues to heavily overshadow the good, which has

been sprinkled so sparingly, very little, to say the least. Having

what I need taken from me time and time again makes me wonder

what the hell is the point in even being here, in any regard.

With the Holidays just days away, the hardship of not having

a vehicle continues to mount. I do not have any place to go,

not invited anywhere, but being able to go somewhere,

taken from me. I usually spend the holidays, hiking

(if weather permits) or reading and writing. More often

than not, combining them all together. After gathering

a good collection of books from the library.

This year, it will be spent reading, writing and walking

Paul’s dog, Abby. Abby and I sharing our day together.

I am grateful to have at least Abby to share the time with.

I am tremendously blessed and so deeply grateful to

have a roof over my head for the time being, and I know

how huge it is to have this roof over my head, especially

after being forced to live on the hard, rough streets for

a few months short of a Quarter of a Century.

And having this roof over my head, here and now, is

what is pulling me into the spirit of gratitude.

Left Stranded….

Closing 2024... Christmas and Winter Season

Christmas and Winter 2024

Closing out the year…

As the winter season begins and the end of the year

begins to close, book-ended by the Holidays, and the

Holiday Season, I reflect on having a roof over my

head this year, though, not the roof I would have

chosen or preferred, it is still a roof over my head

and a reprieve from being forced to live on the

streets like I had been forced to do for so long,

nearly half my life was spent on the streets,

my life stripped from me and taken.

A life in Full-surround sound and video.

Our lives the Feature film for all to see and hear,

where admission for the public is always free, but

at our expense. Every moment of our lives on

running video, spied on 24/7, with no down time.

So, the shift to caring for an elderly gentleman to

get off the streets for his care, is something I am

truly thankful for. But it is a mixed blessing.

Still have no space to just BE. No privacy.

The cons tend to overshadow the pros. But I am

able to finally shelve all the horror of the streets

and the endless nightmare it was and put it out

of reach for now. The harassment of just being

present, gone. That brings light to my heart with

hope for going forward. Though, I can never erase

what being on the streets was, or what I went

through, or the effects it had on me,

the residues of it remain.

Something I will never be able to wash from

my body or memory, as it is so intricately woven

through the fabric of my soul. Indelibly fused

to every fiber of by being.

Mentally and physically, I am still in the space

of being on the street, even though I have been

off the streets for a while now, I still feel like

I am out there. And I know at any moment,

that very well may be the case, again.

Holidays are not a pleasant time for me. I hate

the heavy, thick parking lot traffic everywhere,

the frantic frenzy of everyone, the rushing to

go and be and do 2 seconds faster than

everyone else. All of it just wears me down

and wears me out. Drains me on every level.

I hate the mass packed crowds, the deafening

volume all around. Have just never been a fan

of the Holidays. I dread this time of year. But

I am thankful and have a tremendous amount

to be grateful for. I am focusing on the

good as best as I can.

Being inside as the year comes to a close

is a first in a very long time.

Finally able to close, at least temporarily,

that chapter and finish the book. The book was

quite long and it never felt like it would

finish, the ending nowhere in sight,

just went on and on and on.

So, a New book begins and the pages

are already filling up.

Closing 2024…

The Next Chapter

A Season of Hope...

 

A Season of Hope…

Thanksgiving 2024

For nearly a quarter of a Century, my Holidays, along

with every day of the year, were spent on the streets, where

every day, regardless of the day or date, turns into “Just

another day”. And though, this year, they are still just

days, nothing meaningful, it is not on the streets.

This is first time spent indoors.

No, I have no one to share it with or have any

plans to be with anyone, meet anywhere and

I have not been invited anywhere, but I am

grateful to be off the streets, no matter how

temporary it may be, reflecting and

drawing up memories of love.

I will be Spending the day quietly with

Abby, Paul’s mixed breed dog. So we’ll walk

and have a Girl’s day. She loves her walks,

something she begs and pleads with

me to take her on.

The elderly gentleman I have been caring

for is currently in the hospital because I cannot

lift him. He kept falling and was unable

to get up and use the bathroom without great

help to do so. But Paul is keeping me on

at the house, for the time being.

His dad is apparently doing fine, according

to Paul and is in rehab working to be able

to get up and use the bathroom on his own.

I do not know where things are going from here…

or how long I will be there. I do not know if his dad

will be returning back to the house or not. But I

cannot lift him. He is dead weight. So, if he is

unable to get up on his own and be able to use the

bathroom on his own, he will not be coming back.

And where does that leave me? Back to the streets?

A prospect I dread. But I’m trying to keep my

hopes high and pray for the best for all.

Focus on the Good.

Being grateful to have a roof over my head

this year, especially as the weather turns. Grateful

to have mobility and a vehicle that is safe and running

well. I am grateful for the breathing space and time

away from the streets. I am grateful to have a bed

to lay on a few minutes here and there.

There will be no celebrations, not here, anyway.

No decorations. The only decoration is the

Vase of Flowers I got for the house on

my birthday. The flowers and stems are

dead, but I keep them there in the room

between the kitchen and garage.

Looking to add more flowers to it.

Like some fresh roses from the front yard,

coming up along the driveway and right

in front of the back gate. Noticed some

beauties blooming that would brighten the

place and offer a focal point of gratitude.

I know it will be much more challenging this

time around, if I am forced back to the streets;

with a much smaller vehicle, less space. But I

will adapt. And continue to breathe, or remind

myself to breathe and take another step

forward, moment by moment.

But focusing on the good, and I am Thankful for the

reprieve off the streets, having a roof over my

head, a room with a door that I can close and a

place to just Breathe for a moment.

Thanksgiving 2024

New Year's 2024...

New Year's 2024

24^th New Year in the making of life and

living without a home outside. I have learned

a tremendous amount just by teaching myself

how and could be a Homeless Life Coach...

Life skills for living on the streets. All I

need now is some way to get paid for

doing so while also getting paid to pen

Best Selling Instruction Manuals...

Keeping my options open.

Another New Year book-ended by storms

on either side of it. But New Year's Day itself

turned out beautiful. Started off overcast, but

became mostly clear, with calm winds and

temps pleasantly in the mid 60s.

A mirror image of 2023... As the New Year

rolled in, But with easier storms on either side

of the change of years from one to the next.

As 2022 was coming to a close, we were battered

hard with heavy, powerful storms ripping through

the area, but held its breath at the dawn of 2023

as one year rolled into the next... the breath

released again at the close of the first day of 2023,

storms picked up right where it had left

off from the last parts of 2022.

The same thing happened this New Year, where

it was raining at the end of 2023... then backed off for

the start of 2024, before picking right back up where

it had left off the day before last. But this time around

the storms are much lighter and not as destructive

and devastating. But having 2 New Year's Days

in succession that were beautiful Gifts and both

bracketed and book-ended between storms,

were truly Gifts. A blessing to start the

New Year with.

It is always a great way to start off the New year,

by counting Blessings... and what better way to help

with that than through the gift of Beautiful weather to

appreciate and be grateful for and something to

cherish and look forward to?

I am not sorry to see 2023 come to an end. There were

many mixed blessings sprinkled throughout the year,

trying to focus on the better ones. But as a whole, 2023

was draining, especially in terms financially... as prices

across the spectrum had massively increased to

insanely ridiculous levels. And the prices

everywhere continue to soar further and further

out of control. Only a matter of time before the

entire economy Implodes into itself.

Unsustainable living... things have gone from bad to

much worse in all directions. Being able to take

care of even the barest essentials is a real challenge

and becoming a severe hardship in the process.

All food places have now begun charging

 excessively for condiments, and everything

                                              that used to come on the food itself, 

                                                  is now being charged extra for.

When living on the streets with limited resources and

means to take care of all that is needed, like Food, clothing,

DMV fees (Insurance, Tags, License, Registration, etc.),

gas, vehicle repairs and so much more become much

more challenging to take care of and obtain with the

heavily increasing, never-ending price hikes across

the board. Essentials become luxuries.

We are not designed to live this way. But we are not

given any other choice. As the forced manufactured

inflation continues to rip through our lives like powerful,

devastating storms, living becomes a muted, muffled echo.

So as this New Year begins to unfold, I continue to

spend life in Nature, listening to Nature's chorus

24/7, meditating throughout the day and night,

walking and Nature Hikes providing the best ways

for clarity, for gratitude and strength to continue

taking another breath and the next step forward.

But with all the rain, the walking through and hiking

in Nature is put on hold for the duration, as mud is

slippery and difficult to navigate. Sitting meditation,

reading and writing, when I can find some place out

of the elements, makes the time pass quickly, while

losing myself in the process but I am never lost.

New Year's 2024... Still on the streets.

A continual reminder to be grateful for what I have,

because things could always be worse. Much worse.

In Gratitude.

A Christmas to Remember... 2023

The Christmas Mirror...

Life on the Streets

Christmas has circled around once again. Another

Mirror Season.... Reflecting back the same, time and

again. My 24^th Christmas and Holiday and Winter

Season without a home. Never should there have

been a single Season outside, without a home and

it has been nearly a quarter of a Century now.

I could fill several libraries with the Volumes of

experience I have from the streets. Witnessing

the un-witnessable, experiencing the unimaginable,

living in a world that few can fathom. A world

that has completely fused itself to my heart,

body and soul, where I cannot say where

I end or where the streets begin, or where

the streets end and I begin... as we have

become interchangeable.

Christmas time on the streets is much like any other

day outside... with the exception of everything and

every place being closed and it is quieter as the

traffic of cars and people have slowed and calmed.

And the air is a different mix than usual...

filled with electric currents that you can feel,

coupled with the quiet calm that settles like fallen

leaves that brings a reverent Hush all around.

No, this is not how I ever wished or hoped to spend

Christmas, or any holiday or any day of the year,

on the streets, without a home as a permanent

resident outside. But this is where every day is

spent, regardless of the time of year or what day

it is or what it represents... Day after day, week

after week, month after month, year after

year, which has turned into DECADES.

It is easy to get lost in the days outside...

Being completely consumed and enveloped whole

by them and immersed within each one. When living

on the streets you become very present of every

moment while at the same time lose yourself

entirely in time's suspension.

With no place to go or be, especially when you need a

place to rest your body when your back wrenches out

on you, making it impossible to get around because the

pain splintering, spidering and ripping you to shreds

with every breath.. My body seizes in rupturing

pain that immobilizes me to a statue,

unable to move, or shift position.

Not being able to do anything or go anywhere,

not like I have any place to go, then made worse

with my back malfunctioning, Hiking will not be

happening this Christmas. But I think back to last

Christmas and the beauty of that hike. I Reflect and

thank the universe for allowing it then. It is rare

to remember Holidays on the streets, but this

is the 2^nd one that I will never forget

I know some were immersed in stormy weather,

some were sun filled and pleasant, and some were

filled with brutal, destructive high winds. But they

have blurred in memory... But not these last two

are crystal clear. I lose count of how many times

my back has gone out on me... several thousand,

and started before birth, my birth, and has

continued its endless assault on me since

then and I still don't know why it happens,

or how. It comes out of nowhere and strikes

without warning. hitting hard and fast.

It makes no difference what I am doing or what

position I am in. Sitting, laying down, walking,

dressing or undressing, pulling on my shoes,

brushing my teeth, picking up a pen...

it doesn't matter.

And this time it hit on Christmas Day. Being on

the streets is challenging enough as it is, but then

my body adding insult to injury, I have no

words to describe how it

affects my life.

Much like the endless, excruciating painful muscle

seizures through my legs and feet that have

happened my entire life. Charlie Horses from hell

that immediately seize my leg and feet muscles

then refusing to release its grip, and leaving

the areas extremely sore, tender and painful.

And since the pain has completely grounded

me this Christmas, I am spending the day

meditating and being thankful.

Another Christmas outside.

Christmas 2023