A Birthday to Remember...

 

A Birthday to Remember…

2024

Most people are blessed on their birthdays,

and they are celebrated for their presence

and the Gift their life has been to others.

I have always wondered what that would be like.

Being celebrated just to be alive, being present,

and have a day of the year where my life,

my presence truly mattered to others.

But my birthdays have always been

unacknowledged. Days that are ignored

and brushed to the wayside, just another

day that is irrelevant and meaningless.

This birthday was spent cleaning up after an

elderly gentleman all day. What a way to

spend it. No one noticed, or even cared.

It has always been one sided. I always

remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries,

holidays and so forth, but mine goes by unnoticed.

Mine is silent. Just another day to make quite

clear that my presence has never mattered to anyone.

And this year, a mirror of last year (with the

exception of being inside this year) … were spent

taking care of Paul’s dad and cleaning up after him,

and the crap covered bathroom, doing his laundry.

The one positive about his dad is he is polite.

I realize how difficult it is for his dad to have a

female cleaning him and cleaning up after him.

I direct him to do what he can to help lessen

the effect of having me bathe and clothe him.

But the constant cleanup makes it a real

challenge to be grateful being here. I am

grateful, though. And having the reprieve,

however temporary it may be, from the

streets, fills my heart with gratitude.

Room and Board in exchange for taking

care of and cleaning up after his elderly father.

And though this was not the birthday I ever dreamed

of, it is finally one that is not spent on the streets,

and free of the endless harassment, and that is a Gift.

Even though my birthday continues in silence

with no acknowledgment, it is the first one in nearly

a Quarter of a Century where it

is inside.

A Birthday to remember.

A Life... On Repeat

 

A Million Times Over...

It feels like I have lived this exact life millions and millions of times,

trapped in a nightmare that never ends, and I can never wake from

living the same life, over and over and over again,

a million times over and beyond...

Everything, absolutely everything in this life has always given me a

feeling, a very strong feeling, of Deja Vu.... in just about everything

I have experienced. Like I am seeing it happen, before or after it

happens... and living it on repeat, and in the same position or

space. Really weird feeling, to be sure. Like my entire life

has been a continual Deja Vu…every moment of every day.

How many times have I lived this exact life? Is there any way to

find out and somehow finally, finally, be able to change the course,

take a different path.... one that I am supposed to be here for?

I cannot be here for the same life, over and over and over

again, without end. If so, then what the

hell is the point?

And is it really any wonder, then, why I really don't like this thing

called “life”? Since I have been trapped in the same one for eternity

and well beyond? Am I stuck in a Life regression for a reason? What the

hell am I supposed to be learning...? If the lessons are not ones

that I am grasping, how do I learn the damned lessons

already and move forward?

Being forced to live, or rather exist on the barest of humanity's

fumes, outside without a home for decades on end... what the

hell am I supposed to be learning from this nightmare? How to

exist without being allowed to be present? What am I missing?

None of the so-called “Providers” have ever asked me “we are

here to help, what do you need, how can we help?”. But they

have no problem forcing what they want, how they want,

where they want, when they want... which is not what I need.

I have more than served my time. But no matter what

I do or where I go.... the hand up I am in

need of is nowhere in sight.

My whole life has been in need of help and assistance,

and turning in all directions and standing alone at every moment.

So where do I turn? I am really tired of going in circles and finding nothing

but empty space. Recorded empty space, since every breath we take is video

monitored and recorded, every moment of the day and all through the night.

No space or privacy to be found, especially not outside on the public movie

screen that plays 24/7. How do I become the Hero of my own life and

change course? What the hell is “God's Will” in my life? Every direction,

every path I have taken has always been the wrong one.

Just being born was wrong, and something that never should have

happened. Not even my biological “parents” wanted anything

to do with me and discarded me before birth.

Trying to figure out the reason for my life.

New Year's 2024...

New Year's 2024

24^th New Year in the making of life and

living without a home outside. I have learned

a tremendous amount just by teaching myself

how and could be a Homeless Life Coach...

Life skills for living on the streets. All I

need now is some way to get paid for

doing so while also getting paid to pen

Best Selling Instruction Manuals...

Keeping my options open.

Another New Year book-ended by storms

on either side of it. But New Year's Day itself

turned out beautiful. Started off overcast, but

became mostly clear, with calm winds and

temps pleasantly in the mid 60s.

A mirror image of 2023... As the New Year

rolled in, But with easier storms on either side

of the change of years from one to the next.

As 2022 was coming to a close, we were battered

hard with heavy, powerful storms ripping through

the area, but held its breath at the dawn of 2023

as one year rolled into the next... the breath

released again at the close of the first day of 2023,

storms picked up right where it had left

off from the last parts of 2022.

The same thing happened this New Year, where

it was raining at the end of 2023... then backed off for

the start of 2024, before picking right back up where

it had left off the day before last. But this time around

the storms are much lighter and not as destructive

and devastating. But having 2 New Year's Days

in succession that were beautiful Gifts and both

bracketed and book-ended between storms,

were truly Gifts. A blessing to start the

New Year with.

It is always a great way to start off the New year,

by counting Blessings... and what better way to help

with that than through the gift of Beautiful weather to

appreciate and be grateful for and something to

cherish and look forward to?

I am not sorry to see 2023 come to an end. There were

many mixed blessings sprinkled throughout the year,

trying to focus on the better ones. But as a whole, 2023

was draining, especially in terms financially... as prices

across the spectrum had massively increased to

insanely ridiculous levels. And the prices

everywhere continue to soar further and further

out of control. Only a matter of time before the

entire economy Implodes into itself.

Unsustainable living... things have gone from bad to

much worse in all directions. Being able to take

care of even the barest essentials is a real challenge

and becoming a severe hardship in the process.

All food places have now begun charging

 excessively for condiments, and everything

                                              that used to come on the food itself, 

                                                  is now being charged extra for.

When living on the streets with limited resources and

means to take care of all that is needed, like Food, clothing,

DMV fees (Insurance, Tags, License, Registration, etc.),

gas, vehicle repairs and so much more become much

more challenging to take care of and obtain with the

heavily increasing, never-ending price hikes across

the board. Essentials become luxuries.

We are not designed to live this way. But we are not

given any other choice. As the forced manufactured

inflation continues to rip through our lives like powerful,

devastating storms, living becomes a muted, muffled echo.

So as this New Year begins to unfold, I continue to

spend life in Nature, listening to Nature's chorus

24/7, meditating throughout the day and night,

walking and Nature Hikes providing the best ways

for clarity, for gratitude and strength to continue

taking another breath and the next step forward.

But with all the rain, the walking through and hiking

in Nature is put on hold for the duration, as mud is

slippery and difficult to navigate. Sitting meditation,

reading and writing, when I can find some place out

of the elements, makes the time pass quickly, while

losing myself in the process but I am never lost.

New Year's 2024... Still on the streets.

A continual reminder to be grateful for what I have,

because things could always be worse. Much worse.

In Gratitude.

A Christmas to Remember... 2023

The Christmas Mirror...

Life on the Streets

Christmas has circled around once again. Another

Mirror Season.... Reflecting back the same, time and

again. My 24^th Christmas and Holiday and Winter

Season without a home. Never should there have

been a single Season outside, without a home and

it has been nearly a quarter of a Century now.

I could fill several libraries with the Volumes of

experience I have from the streets. Witnessing

the un-witnessable, experiencing the unimaginable,

living in a world that few can fathom. A world

that has completely fused itself to my heart,

body and soul, where I cannot say where

I end or where the streets begin, or where

the streets end and I begin... as we have

become interchangeable.

Christmas time on the streets is much like any other

day outside... with the exception of everything and

every place being closed and it is quieter as the

traffic of cars and people have slowed and calmed.

And the air is a different mix than usual...

filled with electric currents that you can feel,

coupled with the quiet calm that settles like fallen

leaves that brings a reverent Hush all around.

No, this is not how I ever wished or hoped to spend

Christmas, or any holiday or any day of the year,

on the streets, without a home as a permanent

resident outside. But this is where every day is

spent, regardless of the time of year or what day

it is or what it represents... Day after day, week

after week, month after month, year after

year, which has turned into DECADES.

It is easy to get lost in the days outside...

Being completely consumed and enveloped whole

by them and immersed within each one. When living

on the streets you become very present of every

moment while at the same time lose yourself

entirely in time's suspension.

With no place to go or be, especially when you need a

place to rest your body when your back wrenches out

on you, making it impossible to get around because the

pain splintering, spidering and ripping you to shreds

with every breath.. My body seizes in rupturing

pain that immobilizes me to a statue,

unable to move, or shift position.

Not being able to do anything or go anywhere,

not like I have any place to go, then made worse

with my back malfunctioning, Hiking will not be

happening this Christmas. But I think back to last

Christmas and the beauty of that hike. I Reflect and

thank the universe for allowing it then. It is rare

to remember Holidays on the streets, but this

is the 2^nd one that I will never forget

I know some were immersed in stormy weather,

some were sun filled and pleasant, and some were

filled with brutal, destructive high winds. But they

have blurred in memory... But not these last two

are crystal clear. I lose count of how many times

my back has gone out on me... several thousand,

and started before birth, my birth, and has

continued its endless assault on me since

then and I still don't know why it happens,

or how. It comes out of nowhere and strikes

without warning. hitting hard and fast.

It makes no difference what I am doing or what

position I am in. Sitting, laying down, walking,

dressing or undressing, pulling on my shoes,

brushing my teeth, picking up a pen...

it doesn't matter.

And this time it hit on Christmas Day. Being on

the streets is challenging enough as it is, but then

my body adding insult to injury, I have no

words to describe how it

affects my life.

Much like the endless, excruciating painful muscle

seizures through my legs and feet that have

happened my entire life. Charlie Horses from hell

that immediately seize my leg and feet muscles

then refusing to release its grip, and leaving

the areas extremely sore, tender and painful.

And since the pain has completely grounded

me this Christmas, I am spending the day

meditating and being thankful.

Another Christmas outside.

Christmas 2023

Thanksgiving - 2023

 

Thanksgiving on the Streets... 2023

The Gratitude Holiday....

Thanksgiving.... the only Holiday that has THANKS

and GIVING right in the name. As this is my 24^th

Thanksgiving outside, on the streets, I have a

tremendous amount to be thankful for and my

gratitude runs deep. But it has certainly not been

the path or journey I ever dreamed I would be on,

much less be forced to live on permanently. No one

dreams of living on the streets, at least I never did.

Nightmares, yes. But not dreamt of the streets

being “home”.

But Home it has become. Starting the beginning

of this Century and continues to be. Being home,

going home, on the way home... all take on different

meaning when it is on the street. Because there is no

set place, but rather moving (not by choice) regularly.

Having no place to actually call home, when you

have no “Verifiable Proof of Residence”,

the challenges, limits and restrictions of what you

can or cannot do, where you can or cannot go,

increase exponentially.

Playing a live version of Simon Says...

Libraries refusing you access to materials and free

resources. You cannot checkout materials, obtain or

renew a library card without verifiable proof of

residence. Even when you obtained the card prior to

them changing the rules. I had no problem getting

library cards, while living on the streets, until they

changed their rules and no longer allow anyone to

use the library unless they show proof of verifiable

proof of residency. So, I have been refused access

to the library, and cannot renew the cards I

have because they do not allow it.

Denying access to the resources to the ones who

need it the most, and would benefit the most

from, are readily denied the access.

Extremely discriminatory. Refusing access to

free resources that could help you find a

residence, because you do not have a residence.

How is that even legal?

That is just one of millions of examples that

keeps me on the streets. And not fitting the

narrative of what one is supposed to look like,

smell like and behave like when forced to live

outside, without a home, has been met with doors

being repeatedly slammed shut in my face for

not presenting myself in the Stereo-Typical,

commercialized version of what a homeless

person is and how they are supposed to be.

Even so, I have much to be grateful for.

With the gift of my vehicle, I have a thin layer

of protection against the raw elements,

especially as the weather turns into a freezer,

  so, I am not covered in Ice, Icy frost, dew, rain...

something I am tremendously grateful for.

And having a vehicle has an added benefit

from being in direct contact with the ground,

especially through the night... all the insects

that come out in droves to feed like parasites

as they affix themselves to your body no

longer has free and ready access to my body

for their feeding frenzy that I was forced to

endure for so long.

Having mobility, even limited, is a precious gift

that I am so grateful for. To be able to carry what

I need and being able to take care of basic needs

is a gift. Something my vehicle allows me to do.

Having been given permission to be where I am by

the chief of police in a couple cities, who personally

gave me permission to be where I stay, has

greatly reduced, if not completely eliminated,

the continual harassment from law enforcement.

It still happens, but nowhere near the constant

intrusions throughout the day and night.

And once they know I have permission

to be there, they pretty much leave me

alone. That in and of itself is a GIFT.

Living on the streets is truly a Tale of Two

Cities.... Seeing the extremes of Humanity,

both the very worst of people, the very

undersides of humanity, and the very best

of humanity. Living on the streets, you

experience the extremes and receive

from across the spectrum.

Being on the receiving end of the worst of the

worst, but also, at times, the very best. Though, the

worst heavily overshadows the best, I do my best to

focus on the best. And the best is certainly

the better example to live by.

Spending Thanksgiving on the streets, my

24^th one outside, is not spent in Traditions...

not in the traditional sense, but I have created

my own tradition; outside, with a stack of books,

that were loaned or given to me, in a park where I

spend the day reading, writing, meditating

and hiking, if weather permits, and making

freshly ground, fresh brewed coffee in

the outdoors, counting my blessings with

every sip, every step and every breath.

Holidays are not a special time for me... and if

I could erase them from the calendars, I would.

Holidays are meant for family and friends.

But for me, they are a time of reflection, a time

of introspection and a time to count the Gifts

all around me, and I lose myself in the process,

while expanding my Self in and through my

heart and immersing myself in the

Heartbeat of nature.

Thanksgiving on the streets.

The Breaking Dawn... 23 Years and Counting

 

The Breaking Dawn...

23^rd Anniversary of Living on the Streets...

A Time.... To Reflect

The start of this Century was the Beginnings of a

Journey I never wanted to take, much less be on for the

rest of my life, as a Permanent Resident of the Streets...

The harsh realities of living on the streets, outside, without

a home, is a test of true endurance. Most cannot withstand

the heavy, rigorous life shredding reality that living on the

streets presents... that is why most break with reality.

They just snap into themselves, and can no longer

trust their brain, as it betrays them in the most

devastating ways that are truly unimaginable,

until you are directly in the midst of it.

The harsh rigors of living in the Raw 24/7 eats away

at your heart and soul, taking a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your health and your life.

You must have a strong foundation and foundational core,

or you will crack hard and splinter in ways that can never

be mended and healed again. At the breaking point is

the start of where insanity truly begins. I have seen it

happen and witnessed when the point

of no return unfolded.

Living on the streets, you must be able to bend and

move within the restrictive constraints street life forces

upon you. But the majority are not able to adjust to the

harsh reality of being on the streets and turn to any

methods they can to suspend that reality by using and

abusing drugs, alcohol, smoking cigarettes, pot and

assorted other life destroying substances

and inhaling methods.

Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.... you need

to care for you, every part of you, living on the streets, to a

much greater degree than when you are supported with a

physical home that offers safety and protection, because

that is not there outside in the open where everything

and anything can, and often does, happen without

warning.

Living outside leaves you vulnerable in every

regard, and your body has been turned inside out

like a live wire. You live in Survival Mode, 24/7,

every moment of every day, and night without end.

We are used regularly as people's target practice just

for being present and visible. And our very presence

brings out the worst of the worst of humanity,  with 

rare exception, while our very presence has

 become a crime for not having a home.

Not welcome wherever you are, or where you go,

and cannot be where you are. Unlivable lives merely

existing where you are not allowed to BE and

have nowhere to go.

Out in the elements with no protection, all the bugs

greedily feeding on you through the night, using

you as their personal buffet, anytime, leaving their

marks like tattoos all over your body.

Facing this for a few days is taxing, but having to face

this for not just days on end, or weeks on end, or months

on end... but when you are facing this Permanently,

as the days, weeks, months and years turn into DECADES

and your daily diet consists of this, it does affect you, in

absolutely everything you do and how you do it.

It not only affects your thoughts, your body, your

health... but consumes your entire life. Living on the

streets embeds into every fiber of your being like

a Cyborg, where the streets literally

become who you are.

Your edges harden and sharpen, you learn to stop

reaching out to others for help or support, especially

when it comes to the so-called “Service Providers”,

who are there in name only. They receive massive

amounts of funding to help those outside, without a

home, without the safety or protection of having a

solid foundation... But only “help” those who

choose to destroy their lives through substance

abuse, nicotine, narcotics, alcohol or are illegal

immigrants or have dependent children.

They are not there for those of us that do not fit into

their narrative of who can and will receive “help”.

That is why, decade after DECADE, the Outdoor

arena remains my living space. I do not drink, or smoke,

or use or abuse drugs, I am not an illegal immigrant

and have no dependent children. As the chasms widen

further and extend farther away, I have fallen

further and deeper through the cracks.

I never developed, or even made the attempt to try,

any of the life destroying habits that so many choose

just to receive the most dismal of "assistance”. I have

never been an experimenter with my body or my

health. No drugs, no drinking, no smoking of any

kind, no tattoos, no body piercings, no hair dyeing,

perming, straightening, bleaching, coloring... I have

never fit the paradigm through any stage of life.

And I never have and never will fit the paradigm

of the stereotypical, commercialized version

of what homeless individuals are supposed

to look like, be like, act like or smell like.

So living through, or rather still existing, around the

periphery of life as my 23^rd anniversary of being

forced to live on the streets has circled

back to another year.

Not an anniversary I have ever wanted to experience,

and not one that should have ever happened, but

did and the years continue to add up.

Twenty-Three years in this Century.... and

twenty-three years (...and counting) of life

without a home that all started by and through

the illegal actions of a despicable landlord that I

have been forced to pay the price for.

Life on the streets...

A Challenging Life, to

say the least