The Breaking Dawn... 23 Years and Counting

 

The Breaking Dawn...

23^rd Anniversary of Living on the Streets...

A Time.... To Reflect

The start of this Century was the Beginnings of a

Journey I never wanted to take, much less be on for the

rest of my life, as a Permanent Resident of the Streets...

The harsh realities of living on the streets, outside, without

a home, is a test of true endurance. Most cannot withstand

the heavy, rigorous life shredding reality that living on the

streets presents... that is why most break with reality.

They just snap into themselves, and can no longer

trust their brain, as it betrays them in the most

devastating ways that are truly unimaginable,

until you are directly in the midst of it.

The harsh rigors of living in the Raw 24/7 eats away

at your heart and soul, taking a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your health and your life.

You must have a strong foundation and foundational core,

or you will crack hard and splinter in ways that can never

be mended and healed again. At the breaking point is

the start of where insanity truly begins. I have seen it

happen and witnessed when the point

of no return unfolded.

Living on the streets, you must be able to bend and

move within the restrictive constraints street life forces

upon you. But the majority are not able to adjust to the

harsh reality of being on the streets and turn to any

methods they can to suspend that reality by using and

abusing drugs, alcohol, smoking cigarettes, pot and

assorted other life destroying substances

and inhaling methods.

Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.... you need

to care for you, every part of you, living on the streets, to a

much greater degree than when you are supported with a

physical home that offers safety and protection, because

that is not there outside in the open where everything

and anything can, and often does, happen without

warning.

Living outside leaves you vulnerable in every

regard, and your body has been turned inside out

like a live wire. You live in Survival Mode, 24/7,

every moment of every day, and night without end.

We are used regularly as people's target practice just

for being present and visible. And our very presence

brings out the worst of the worst of humanity,  with 

rare exception, while our very presence has

 become a crime for not having a home.

Not welcome wherever you are, or where you go,

and cannot be where you are. Unlivable lives merely

existing where you are not allowed to BE and

have nowhere to go.

Out in the elements with no protection, all the bugs

greedily feeding on you through the night, using

you as their personal buffet, anytime, leaving their

marks like tattoos all over your body.

Facing this for a few days is taxing, but having to face

this for not just days on end, or weeks on end, or months

on end... but when you are facing this Permanently,

as the days, weeks, months and years turn into DECADES

and your daily diet consists of this, it does affect you, in

absolutely everything you do and how you do it.

It not only affects your thoughts, your body, your

health... but consumes your entire life. Living on the

streets embeds into every fiber of your being like

a Cyborg, where the streets literally

become who you are.

Your edges harden and sharpen, you learn to stop

reaching out to others for help or support, especially

when it comes to the so-called “Service Providers”,

who are there in name only. They receive massive

amounts of funding to help those outside, without a

home, without the safety or protection of having a

solid foundation... But only “help” those who

choose to destroy their lives through substance

abuse, nicotine, narcotics, alcohol or are illegal

immigrants or have dependent children.

They are not there for those of us that do not fit into

their narrative of who can and will receive “help”.

That is why, decade after DECADE, the Outdoor

arena remains my living space. I do not drink, or smoke,

or use or abuse drugs, I am not an illegal immigrant

and have no dependent children. As the chasms widen

further and extend farther away, I have fallen

further and deeper through the cracks.

I never developed, or even made the attempt to try,

any of the life destroying habits that so many choose

just to receive the most dismal of "assistance”. I have

never been an experimenter with my body or my

health. No drugs, no drinking, no smoking of any

kind, no tattoos, no body piercings, no hair dyeing,

perming, straightening, bleaching, coloring... I have

never fit the paradigm through any stage of life.

And I never have and never will fit the paradigm

of the stereotypical, commercialized version

of what homeless individuals are supposed

to look like, be like, act like or smell like.

So living through, or rather still existing, around the

periphery of life as my 23^rd anniversary of being

forced to live on the streets has circled

back to another year.

Not an anniversary I have ever wanted to experience,

and not one that should have ever happened, but

did and the years continue to add up.

Twenty-Three years in this Century.... and

twenty-three years (...and counting) of life

without a home that all started by and through

the illegal actions of a despicable landlord that I

have been forced to pay the price for.

Life on the streets...

A Challenging Life, to

say the least

 

Anniversaries... Life on the Street

Anniversaries…

Life on the Streets….19^th Anniversary

When the word Anniversary is spoken or written, it is generally connected

with Celebrations; Weddings, Graduations….but sometimes Anniversaries

hold deeper meanings; deaths of loved ones, something truly tragic has

happened in your life, or a circumstance was forced upon you.

The latter is the type of anniversary I am talking about here. Though there

are many other anniversaries I face; the deaths and the tragic events…

they each come about once a year, throughout the year. But the

anniversary of being Homeless, is Every Day of the Year.

19 years ago today I was forced out of my home by and through the

illegal actions of a truly despicable Landlord for refusing to “service” him.

Regardless of the fact I was never late on my rent and usually paid a

few days early because I was not home when it was due. So This is

my 19^th year anniversary of living life on the streets; without

the comfort and security of a home, without the privacy of my own

bathroom, without the means to eat properly or regularly (because there

is no place to store, prepare or cook foods), without the comfort of a real

bed and being able to get the much needed rest my body needs. And this

anniversary is the one that has done the most damage.

Being Homeless hollows you out, and guts you like nothing else can,

taking a tremendous toll, physically, while taking so much away from you.

Not to mention the devastating affects living on the streets does to your health

and internal effects; receding gums, hair loss, bone loss plus a host of

other effects that are brought on by malnutrition too many to list.

Mentally and emotionally, it hardens you like dried cement…

Your heart deadening in your chest and you are left as a

passerby in and a bystander of your own life.

Facing my 19^th full year on the streets is devastating on its own, but add in

all the rest, and then being able to convey what that means to your life…

words just vanish from all thought. After experiencing yet another

Birthday on the streets, ignored and passed by, aside from having my info

taken by another officer, who proceeded to lecture me along with his

partner, which was my 18^th one once more not acknowledged,

while heading into my 20^th Holiday and Winter Season.

You would be very hard pressed to find another circumstance in

life that is as hard and challenging and difficult to bare as

living on the streets has been, and continues to be.

Living, or rather barely existing along the fringes of life….

None of the Anniversaries in my life are ones I look forward to

seeing pass. With each one, especially the ones on the street,

just brings a deeper emptiness to my heart and soul. Meaning

from life has all but evaporated into the energy of the living.

And living, in the truest sense, is eliminated, and in it’s place…. Survival.

Survival mode is your entire existence living on the streets.

You stay on high alert 24/7. Which then becomes second nature,

because youlive it day-in, day-out, every day… every moment.

Living life on the very edge of existence.

I never pictured or dreamed about living life indefinitely without a home,

being readily denied and refused assistance because of how I present

myself and for the life destroying habits that I never picked up,

much less considered even trying. But enduring 18 birthdays now,

my full 19^th year anniversary and facing my 20^th Holiday and

Winter season still homeless, Residentially Challenged, whichever

you prefer,living on the streets…has become a

never-ending nightmare I cannot wake from.

The Nightmare that Never Ends...

A life I didn’t choose, but was forced on me by and through the illegal

actions of a despicable human being…. And decades later,

still paying the heavy, steep price of his actions.

My life can no longer be separated from the streets, because I have

become so fused with it, I cannot tell where I end and the streets begin,

or where the streets end and I begin, as they

are one in the same. Life...Disintegrating before my

very eyes, and living it every breath.

Another Anniversary I will never forget….

But wishing I could erase forever.