A Christmas to Remember... 2023

The Christmas Mirror...

Life on the Streets

Christmas has circled around once again. Another

Mirror Season.... Reflecting back the same, time and

again. My 24^th Christmas and Holiday and Winter

Season without a home. Never should there have

been a single Season outside, without a home and

it has been nearly a quarter of a Century now.

I could fill several libraries with the Volumes of

experience I have from the streets. Witnessing

the un-witnessable, experiencing the unimaginable,

living in a world that few can fathom. A world

that has completely fused itself to my heart,

body and soul, where I cannot say where

I end or where the streets begin, or where

the streets end and I begin... as we have

become interchangeable.

Christmas time on the streets is much like any other

day outside... with the exception of everything and

every place being closed and it is quieter as the

traffic of cars and people have slowed and calmed.

And the air is a different mix than usual...

filled with electric currents that you can feel,

coupled with the quiet calm that settles like fallen

leaves that brings a reverent Hush all around.

No, this is not how I ever wished or hoped to spend

Christmas, or any holiday or any day of the year,

on the streets, without a home as a permanent

resident outside. But this is where every day is

spent, regardless of the time of year or what day

it is or what it represents... Day after day, week

after week, month after month, year after

year, which has turned into DECADES.

It is easy to get lost in the days outside...

Being completely consumed and enveloped whole

by them and immersed within each one. When living

on the streets you become very present of every

moment while at the same time lose yourself

entirely in time's suspension.

With no place to go or be, especially when you need a

place to rest your body when your back wrenches out

on you, making it impossible to get around because the

pain splintering, spidering and ripping you to shreds

with every breath.. My body seizes in rupturing

pain that immobilizes me to a statue,

unable to move, or shift position.

Not being able to do anything or go anywhere,

not like I have any place to go, then made worse

with my back malfunctioning, Hiking will not be

happening this Christmas. But I think back to last

Christmas and the beauty of that hike. I Reflect and

thank the universe for allowing it then. It is rare

to remember Holidays on the streets, but this

is the 2^nd one that I will never forget

I know some were immersed in stormy weather,

some were sun filled and pleasant, and some were

filled with brutal, destructive high winds. But they

have blurred in memory... But not these last two

are crystal clear. I lose count of how many times

my back has gone out on me... several thousand,

and started before birth, my birth, and has

continued its endless assault on me since

then and I still don't know why it happens,

or how. It comes out of nowhere and strikes

without warning. hitting hard and fast.

It makes no difference what I am doing or what

position I am in. Sitting, laying down, walking,

dressing or undressing, pulling on my shoes,

brushing my teeth, picking up a pen...

it doesn't matter.

And this time it hit on Christmas Day. Being on

the streets is challenging enough as it is, but then

my body adding insult to injury, I have no

words to describe how it

affects my life.

Much like the endless, excruciating painful muscle

seizures through my legs and feet that have

happened my entire life. Charlie Horses from hell

that immediately seize my leg and feet muscles

then refusing to release its grip, and leaving

the areas extremely sore, tender and painful.

And since the pain has completely grounded

me this Christmas, I am spending the day

meditating and being thankful.

Another Christmas outside.

Christmas 2023

The Breaking Dawn... 23 Years and Counting

 

The Breaking Dawn...

23^rd Anniversary of Living on the Streets...

A Time.... To Reflect

The start of this Century was the Beginnings of a

Journey I never wanted to take, much less be on for the

rest of my life, as a Permanent Resident of the Streets...

The harsh realities of living on the streets, outside, without

a home, is a test of true endurance. Most cannot withstand

the heavy, rigorous life shredding reality that living on the

streets presents... that is why most break with reality.

They just snap into themselves, and can no longer

trust their brain, as it betrays them in the most

devastating ways that are truly unimaginable,

until you are directly in the midst of it.

The harsh rigors of living in the Raw 24/7 eats away

at your heart and soul, taking a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your health and your life.

You must have a strong foundation and foundational core,

or you will crack hard and splinter in ways that can never

be mended and healed again. At the breaking point is

the start of where insanity truly begins. I have seen it

happen and witnessed when the point

of no return unfolded.

Living on the streets, you must be able to bend and

move within the restrictive constraints street life forces

upon you. But the majority are not able to adjust to the

harsh reality of being on the streets and turn to any

methods they can to suspend that reality by using and

abusing drugs, alcohol, smoking cigarettes, pot and

assorted other life destroying substances

and inhaling methods.

Mentally, Physically, Emotionally, Spiritually.... you need

to care for you, every part of you, living on the streets, to a

much greater degree than when you are supported with a

physical home that offers safety and protection, because

that is not there outside in the open where everything

and anything can, and often does, happen without

warning.

Living outside leaves you vulnerable in every

regard, and your body has been turned inside out

like a live wire. You live in Survival Mode, 24/7,

every moment of every day, and night without end.

We are used regularly as people's target practice just

for being present and visible. And our very presence

brings out the worst of the worst of humanity,  with 

rare exception, while our very presence has

 become a crime for not having a home.

Not welcome wherever you are, or where you go,

and cannot be where you are. Unlivable lives merely

existing where you are not allowed to BE and

have nowhere to go.

Out in the elements with no protection, all the bugs

greedily feeding on you through the night, using

you as their personal buffet, anytime, leaving their

marks like tattoos all over your body.

Facing this for a few days is taxing, but having to face

this for not just days on end, or weeks on end, or months

on end... but when you are facing this Permanently,

as the days, weeks, months and years turn into DECADES

and your daily diet consists of this, it does affect you, in

absolutely everything you do and how you do it.

It not only affects your thoughts, your body, your

health... but consumes your entire life. Living on the

streets embeds into every fiber of your being like

a Cyborg, where the streets literally

become who you are.

Your edges harden and sharpen, you learn to stop

reaching out to others for help or support, especially

when it comes to the so-called “Service Providers”,

who are there in name only. They receive massive

amounts of funding to help those outside, without a

home, without the safety or protection of having a

solid foundation... But only “help” those who

choose to destroy their lives through substance

abuse, nicotine, narcotics, alcohol or are illegal

immigrants or have dependent children.

They are not there for those of us that do not fit into

their narrative of who can and will receive “help”.

That is why, decade after DECADE, the Outdoor

arena remains my living space. I do not drink, or smoke,

or use or abuse drugs, I am not an illegal immigrant

and have no dependent children. As the chasms widen

further and extend farther away, I have fallen

further and deeper through the cracks.

I never developed, or even made the attempt to try,

any of the life destroying habits that so many choose

just to receive the most dismal of "assistance”. I have

never been an experimenter with my body or my

health. No drugs, no drinking, no smoking of any

kind, no tattoos, no body piercings, no hair dyeing,

perming, straightening, bleaching, coloring... I have

never fit the paradigm through any stage of life.

And I never have and never will fit the paradigm

of the stereotypical, commercialized version

of what homeless individuals are supposed

to look like, be like, act like or smell like.

So living through, or rather still existing, around the

periphery of life as my 23^rd anniversary of being

forced to live on the streets has circled

back to another year.

Not an anniversary I have ever wanted to experience,

and not one that should have ever happened, but

did and the years continue to add up.

Twenty-Three years in this Century.... and

twenty-three years (...and counting) of life

without a home that all started by and through

the illegal actions of a despicable landlord that I

have been forced to pay the price for.

Life on the streets...

A Challenging Life, to

say the least

 

The Bowels of Life...

 

The Bowels of Life...

 

Life on the Street

 

 

Living on the streets... means living in the sewers of

the gutters of life. When you are forced out to the street,

it is literally being sent into the Bowels of life itself. 

 

No crueler punishment.

 

Life being turned upside down, and inside out, going from living

to barely existing, in the shadows, and becoming shadowy statues

that no longer exist in any meaningful way, where you are not

allowed to be where you are, no matter where you happen

to be. Your presence is “Illegal” and your criminal activity

is merely being visible. Where you are hard to miss,

but easy to ignore, as we are not seen as

Living, breathing, Feeling Beings.

 

Days lose their meaning and no longer has any

value, as every day looks and feels like all the rest,

While Your very life becomes an Intrusion.

 

You witness, experience, endure things no one should

as a direct result of being forced to live on the streets. 

Living on the streets, you quickly become an afterthought

that is Beside the point. Those moveable, shadowy icons...

shadow statues, where Learning how to live when you are not

allowed to BE anywhere.  You the learn the fine art of

Invisibility, becoming part of the Scenery, blending in so well,

that it is hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. 

 

Part of the Landscape, that was painted and sculpted

in place, losing your “Human” status when living on the street. 

For some reason, when you no longer have that Verifiable,

Proof of Living in a Residence, you are no longer seen or

Viewed as a Living, Breathing Human Being.

 

You literally cease to exist in the truest sense

when you no longer have those walls surrounding

you and the roof overhead. You lose your “Living”

status. Diminished, restricted, confining...

 

Invisibility has become my Specialty.

 

Collecting dust like a Shadow Box on the wall.

 

Yet, we are not to be seen or heard from.  You find yourself

searching for LIFE.... and how to find your way back inside of it,

and back inside.  But instead of finding your way back inside,

you find yourself sucked into a Black Hole that becomes

Vacuum Sealed that swallows you WHOLE.

 

You are blamed for things that have taken place, for what's

going on and happening or has happened... just being in the

vicinity is proof enough that we are to blame for the standing

discarded trash, the thefts, robberies, assaults, vandalism...

Discarded as waste, where the Human element

is completely removed.

 

You are repeatedly lied to by “Service Providers”, the police,

and organizations that are supposed to be there to help. 

Your integrity is always held suspect and questioned.

When anything happens to you and you report it, the

reports are “misfiled” and lost, discarded into the trash,

because after all... what do you expect “putting yourself out

here like that?” Yeah, like something I did, not something

I was forced into.  I did not choose to be out here,

 but have been forced to become a permanent resident

of the streets because of the illegal actions of a

despicable landlord, paying the price for his

illegal actions against me.

 

No one dreams of living on the streets, especially

not as a permanent resident, yet, those are the only dreams

I have now... living on the street because I have been out

here nearly half my life, and nearly a Quarter of a Century,

merely existing around the periphery of life itself.

On the exhaust fumes of Humanity.

 

You get sucked into the depths of the Black Hole

of the streets... Living on the streets takes a

tremendous toll on your body, heart, mind and soul...

in the most devastating ways that are literally

unimaginable, that is until you are living it and

experiencing every moment of it.

 

Living on the streets ages you decades.... long before

nature would. And does so, unsparingly. . I went from

being carded all the time, to automatically being given

“Senior Discounts” without knowing it until I received the

receipts and checked it.  It is one of the hazards of being

forced to live in a circumstance not of your choosing

and not having the rest or nutrition your body needs and

requires, but is readily deprived of. Everyone now assumes

I am a Senior Citizen, giving me 'Senior” discounts

automatically, never asking me if I am, yet continually

“carded” by the police just being present, minding my

own business and some jerk calls in on me for that

very fact, just being present and visible.

 

The challenge of finding restrooms to use...

of just taking care of essentials. Of finding food.

Safe places to stay through the night... is an

endless cycle that just loops and repeats, and

fully consumes every moment of your day. 

 

Being out in the elements every moment of the

day and all through the night, every day of the year

takes a tremendously hard toll on your body,

on your health, on your life and in all you do.

 

A permanent wardrobe is wrapped around you living on

the streets... but not of clothes. But one of Labels, categories,

classifications, etc. You are grouped as a whole that affects

everything you do and everywhere you go.  Living on the

streets colors everything you do. It consumes your life,

follows you in your dreams, while you live every moment of

your life on the Public's Movie Screen, where admission

is always free to the movie goers, at Our Expense.

Carrying the weight of Life, and your Life 

with you every step.

 

Your life and every facet of it becomes Public Domain. 

Where privacy has been completely erased in every

regard, no matter how private your business.  Everything,

absolutely Everything, you do is on the Public Movie

Screen of Life. Where nothing is off limits.

 

And your life is Swallowed Whole into and through

The Bowels of Life living on the streets.

New Year's Day 2023 - A Gift

The Gift...2023

New Year's Day

New Year's Day Dawned a Beautiful Gift, bright and CLEAR,

opened and started with blue skies in all directions.

The New Year unfolded as a Gift. Giving us a much

needed break, however slight, from the

endless onslaught of pounding rains.

The morning arose chilled, but quickly warmed

with the bright welcome heat of the sun. Temps rose

to the 60s and turned out to be so Beautiful.

A Gift before the heavy, endless and relentless rains

once again settled in for another long residency, one

that is more violent and unleashes extreme fury. At least

we were given that Beautiful day as the New Year

rolled over from the previous one.

As Mother Nature throws more Temper-tantrums,

upgraded to the worst level... As she releases her

Violent, Furious temper, it brings out tempers all around.

And is so draining. The harsh weather wears you out.

Mother Nature's long rampage has left and is leaving

deep, devastating destruction in her wake. Endless

flooding, widespread damage...Iconic places; Piers,

Restaurants, and others, completely wiped out.

Demolished. With the relentless, endless heavy,

hard torrential rains and winds that have and continue

to pummel us with Atmospheric Rivers they refer to as

“The Pineapple Express”. But there were no Pineapples.

Nothing sweet about the storms ripping through.

Yet, the so-called “Experts” continue to claim

we remain in Severe Drought, despite the heavy

hammering of flooding waters from the torrential rains.

Claiming no amount of water will be enough.

It's as though the Universe has completely upended

the Entire(ty) of the oceans and reversed it upside down

over our heads... How long does it take to drain and

empty the ocean turned upside down?

End over end? We're finding out.

An ocean with no bottom and never drains...

upended and overturned over our heads. One of the most,

if not the most destructive, damaging winters we have had

here. Widespread damage from the heavy, endless hard rains.

Where most everything now is under water... and yet the

rains continue to fall. Taken up A permanent residency.

Experiencing weeks and weeks of unsettled weather,

leaving everything and everyone unsettled in

its wake along with it all.

More than a month and a half of brutal, battering storm

systems, one on top of another. Leaving us battle

worn and weary. Streets blockaded, trails locked and

gated. Roofs collapsing, Beaches wiped out,

Piers gone. While More and more of our lives are

becoming inaccessible. More and more are being

forced to evacuate their lives and livelihood.

But I have found the humor in it.... it took some time,

years actually. But I can see the light through it.

This is my 23^rd Winter outside. And it took years for

me to find the humor in Life itself. Since birth, it has

always felt, looked and tasted like a cruel punishment.

And most of the time, still does. Especially being

forced to live as a permanent resident of the streets.

The weather makes living and life on the street

so much more challenging. In all regard.

Making it difficult, if not downright impossible,

to go anywhere. And even though I now have

a “roof” over my head, though not a dry roof,

as all the doors and trunk rains inside, soaking

not only me, but the floor and all my things as well.

Which brings about a whole other set of issues

to contend with. But I am still in the direct contact

with the weather. Having to go outside in the rain and

wind to get to the bathrooms to clean up, which are

flooded with standing water inside, and back out

in the weather to the car. Having to get out in the

weather to take care of any personal needs.

And weather-wise, this year has been one of the hardest

ones to endure, outside without a home. But has it been

one of the worst ones on the streets? It's Definitely high

on that list!! But it has been hard and challenging.

As for New Year's Resolutions.... I do not

participate. That nonsense has never made sense to me.

And being forced to live as a permanent resident

of the streets, what is the point?

But my goals, if you will, remain the same; survival.

It would be so nice to no longer have to struggle for purchase

and agency in life... a life where I have never been welcome,

to just roll over and be done. Never having to worry about

being forced to leave just for being present and having literally

no place to go, where to go, if you'll be safe through the

night, if, what, how or where you will eat. Not having to

worry about if you will ever have a real home, a place

of privacy and shelter, where I can finally just BE.

Not have to worry about anything, anymore. And I

will no longer have to live in survival mode 24/7.

Service providers are there in name only. And having

no resources, well... Dreams can only take you so far...

until you awaken. But mine only circle back on life on the

streets. I cannot even picture being in a home, a real home,

again. Living and breathing the streets every moment

for nearly half a century now, that is what my dreams are

about. I can no longer feel what a home feels like.

Not looking forward to this year, this New Year,

as it unfolds. Having nowhere to turn or go.

Life, if one could call being a moving shadow a LIFE,

remains as it has, no matter how hard I reach up for

purchase, I have no agency to pull out and have a life

that Matters. No matter how much I struggle or let go,

Life continues to hold me in the Boxing Match.

Life remains... regardless of the New Year.