Birthday Notes...

Birthdays to Myself...

Birthdays... this is my 22^nd Birthday on the street.

Just another irrelevant day, another forgotten day.

And when they pass each year, living on the

streets, they come and go without fanfare,

A day that should be scratched from Existence...

my life being erased before my eyes on the streets.

Marking my 22^nd birthday on the streets, with the

23^rd anniversary looming just days away... while

heading into my 24^th Holiday and Winter Season

outside. Never realizing that when I was forced

into this Season.... that it would be Permanent.

You lose yourself on the streets, and get lost

in the debris of humanity and

the undersides of life.

Spending the day in Nature and listening to her song;

while walking through her Beauty all around, meditating

and reading. How most of my days are spent, regardless

of the day. Living on the streets, every day is a mirror image

of all the ones before, and all the ones to come. The only

things that give any indication that anything is different is

the weather and the temperatures, the colors of the

seasons' cycles, otherwise, each day is exactly like

all the other days, days and nights blending

seamlessly into each other.

Time has no meaning on the streets. Two o'clock in the

afternoon may as well be seven o'clock in the morning.

5:00 AM or 10:30 PM....time is fluid and bendable,

contracting, expanding... or stopping altogether,

disappear, reappear and flow faster.

My one and only Birthday wish... is to finally awake

from the nightmare of living on the streets and

find that it was just that, a Nightmare where

time suspended completely and life itself restarted

as I wake from the dream world, with all the

lessons learned, everything I taught myself

remaining intact, while the hard corrosion

of life on the streets vanishing like

it never happened.

Another birthday on the streets... Another day,

like any other, on the streets as the nightmare

I cannot wake from continues to run...

Not a Birthday Gift I ever dreamed of

having or receiving...

Birthday notes to myself...

Happy Birthday

The Bowels of Life...

 

The Bowels of Life...

 

Life on the Street

 

 

Living on the streets... means living in the sewers of

the gutters of life. When you are forced out to the street,

it is literally being sent into the Bowels of life itself. 

 

No crueler punishment.

 

Life being turned upside down, and inside out, going from living

to barely existing, in the shadows, and becoming shadowy statues

that no longer exist in any meaningful way, where you are not

allowed to be where you are, no matter where you happen

to be. Your presence is “Illegal” and your criminal activity

is merely being visible. Where you are hard to miss,

but easy to ignore, as we are not seen as

Living, breathing, Feeling Beings.

 

Days lose their meaning and no longer has any

value, as every day looks and feels like all the rest,

While Your very life becomes an Intrusion.

 

You witness, experience, endure things no one should

as a direct result of being forced to live on the streets. 

Living on the streets, you quickly become an afterthought

that is Beside the point. Those moveable, shadowy icons...

shadow statues, where Learning how to live when you are not

allowed to BE anywhere.  You the learn the fine art of

Invisibility, becoming part of the Scenery, blending in so well,

that it is hard to tell where one ends and the other begins. 

 

Part of the Landscape, that was painted and sculpted

in place, losing your “Human” status when living on the street. 

For some reason, when you no longer have that Verifiable,

Proof of Living in a Residence, you are no longer seen or

Viewed as a Living, Breathing Human Being.

 

You literally cease to exist in the truest sense

when you no longer have those walls surrounding

you and the roof overhead. You lose your “Living”

status. Diminished, restricted, confining...

 

Invisibility has become my Specialty.

 

Collecting dust like a Shadow Box on the wall.

 

Yet, we are not to be seen or heard from.  You find yourself

searching for LIFE.... and how to find your way back inside of it,

and back inside.  But instead of finding your way back inside,

you find yourself sucked into a Black Hole that becomes

Vacuum Sealed that swallows you WHOLE.

 

You are blamed for things that have taken place, for what's

going on and happening or has happened... just being in the

vicinity is proof enough that we are to blame for the standing

discarded trash, the thefts, robberies, assaults, vandalism...

Discarded as waste, where the Human element

is completely removed.

 

You are repeatedly lied to by “Service Providers”, the police,

and organizations that are supposed to be there to help. 

Your integrity is always held suspect and questioned.

When anything happens to you and you report it, the

reports are “misfiled” and lost, discarded into the trash,

because after all... what do you expect “putting yourself out

here like that?” Yeah, like something I did, not something

I was forced into.  I did not choose to be out here,

 but have been forced to become a permanent resident

of the streets because of the illegal actions of a

despicable landlord, paying the price for his

illegal actions against me.

 

No one dreams of living on the streets, especially

not as a permanent resident, yet, those are the only dreams

I have now... living on the street because I have been out

here nearly half my life, and nearly a Quarter of a Century,

merely existing around the periphery of life itself.

On the exhaust fumes of Humanity.

 

You get sucked into the depths of the Black Hole

of the streets... Living on the streets takes a

tremendous toll on your body, heart, mind and soul...

in the most devastating ways that are literally

unimaginable, that is until you are living it and

experiencing every moment of it.

 

Living on the streets ages you decades.... long before

nature would. And does so, unsparingly. . I went from

being carded all the time, to automatically being given

“Senior Discounts” without knowing it until I received the

receipts and checked it.  It is one of the hazards of being

forced to live in a circumstance not of your choosing

and not having the rest or nutrition your body needs and

requires, but is readily deprived of. Everyone now assumes

I am a Senior Citizen, giving me 'Senior” discounts

automatically, never asking me if I am, yet continually

“carded” by the police just being present, minding my

own business and some jerk calls in on me for that

very fact, just being present and visible.

 

The challenge of finding restrooms to use...

of just taking care of essentials. Of finding food.

Safe places to stay through the night... is an

endless cycle that just loops and repeats, and

fully consumes every moment of your day. 

 

Being out in the elements every moment of the

day and all through the night, every day of the year

takes a tremendously hard toll on your body,

on your health, on your life and in all you do.

 

A permanent wardrobe is wrapped around you living on

the streets... but not of clothes. But one of Labels, categories,

classifications, etc. You are grouped as a whole that affects

everything you do and everywhere you go.  Living on the

streets colors everything you do. It consumes your life,

follows you in your dreams, while you live every moment of

your life on the Public's Movie Screen, where admission

is always free to the movie goers, at Our Expense.

Carrying the weight of Life, and your Life 

with you every step.

 

Your life and every facet of it becomes Public Domain. 

Where privacy has been completely erased in every

regard, no matter how private your business.  Everything,

absolutely Everything, you do is on the Public Movie

Screen of Life. Where nothing is off limits.

 

And your life is Swallowed Whole into and through

The Bowels of Life living on the streets.

New Year's Day 2023 - A Gift

The Gift...2023

New Year's Day

New Year's Day Dawned a Beautiful Gift, bright and CLEAR,

opened and started with blue skies in all directions.

The New Year unfolded as a Gift. Giving us a much

needed break, however slight, from the

endless onslaught of pounding rains.

The morning arose chilled, but quickly warmed

with the bright welcome heat of the sun. Temps rose

to the 60s and turned out to be so Beautiful.

A Gift before the heavy, endless and relentless rains

once again settled in for another long residency, one

that is more violent and unleashes extreme fury. At least

we were given that Beautiful day as the New Year

rolled over from the previous one.

As Mother Nature throws more Temper-tantrums,

upgraded to the worst level... As she releases her

Violent, Furious temper, it brings out tempers all around.

And is so draining. The harsh weather wears you out.

Mother Nature's long rampage has left and is leaving

deep, devastating destruction in her wake. Endless

flooding, widespread damage...Iconic places; Piers,

Restaurants, and others, completely wiped out.

Demolished. With the relentless, endless heavy,

hard torrential rains and winds that have and continue

to pummel us with Atmospheric Rivers they refer to as

“The Pineapple Express”. But there were no Pineapples.

Nothing sweet about the storms ripping through.

Yet, the so-called “Experts” continue to claim

we remain in Severe Drought, despite the heavy

hammering of flooding waters from the torrential rains.

Claiming no amount of water will be enough.

It's as though the Universe has completely upended

the Entire(ty) of the oceans and reversed it upside down

over our heads... How long does it take to drain and

empty the ocean turned upside down?

End over end? We're finding out.

An ocean with no bottom and never drains...

upended and overturned over our heads. One of the most,

if not the most destructive, damaging winters we have had

here. Widespread damage from the heavy, endless hard rains.

Where most everything now is under water... and yet the

rains continue to fall. Taken up A permanent residency.

Experiencing weeks and weeks of unsettled weather,

leaving everything and everyone unsettled in

its wake along with it all.

More than a month and a half of brutal, battering storm

systems, one on top of another. Leaving us battle

worn and weary. Streets blockaded, trails locked and

gated. Roofs collapsing, Beaches wiped out,

Piers gone. While More and more of our lives are

becoming inaccessible. More and more are being

forced to evacuate their lives and livelihood.

But I have found the humor in it.... it took some time,

years actually. But I can see the light through it.

This is my 23^rd Winter outside. And it took years for

me to find the humor in Life itself. Since birth, it has

always felt, looked and tasted like a cruel punishment.

And most of the time, still does. Especially being

forced to live as a permanent resident of the streets.

The weather makes living and life on the street

so much more challenging. In all regard.

Making it difficult, if not downright impossible,

to go anywhere. And even though I now have

a “roof” over my head, though not a dry roof,

as all the doors and trunk rains inside, soaking

not only me, but the floor and all my things as well.

Which brings about a whole other set of issues

to contend with. But I am still in the direct contact

with the weather. Having to go outside in the rain and

wind to get to the bathrooms to clean up, which are

flooded with standing water inside, and back out

in the weather to the car. Having to get out in the

weather to take care of any personal needs.

And weather-wise, this year has been one of the hardest

ones to endure, outside without a home. But has it been

one of the worst ones on the streets? It's Definitely high

on that list!! But it has been hard and challenging.

As for New Year's Resolutions.... I do not

participate. That nonsense has never made sense to me.

And being forced to live as a permanent resident

of the streets, what is the point?

But my goals, if you will, remain the same; survival.

It would be so nice to no longer have to struggle for purchase

and agency in life... a life where I have never been welcome,

to just roll over and be done. Never having to worry about

being forced to leave just for being present and having literally

no place to go, where to go, if you'll be safe through the

night, if, what, how or where you will eat. Not having to

worry about if you will ever have a real home, a place

of privacy and shelter, where I can finally just BE.

Not have to worry about anything, anymore. And I

will no longer have to live in survival mode 24/7.

Service providers are there in name only. And having

no resources, well... Dreams can only take you so far...

until you awaken. But mine only circle back on life on the

streets. I cannot even picture being in a home, a real home,

again. Living and breathing the streets every moment

for nearly half a century now, that is what my dreams are

about. I can no longer feel what a home feels like.

Not looking forward to this year, this New Year,

as it unfolds. Having nowhere to turn or go.

Life, if one could call being a moving shadow a LIFE,

remains as it has, no matter how hard I reach up for

purchase, I have no agency to pull out and have a life

that Matters. No matter how much I struggle or let go,

Life continues to hold me in the Boxing Match.

Life remains... regardless of the New Year.

2022 Will Not Be Missed...

 

Closing the Year..2022

As this year comes to a close, I cannot say it will be

a missed year. It has truly been a mixed year of Blessings.

It has been a really Raw year, overall. With bits of

good tossed into the mix here and there. And so,

so very draining, especially financially.

It's been A difficult year, to say the least. Beyond

Challenging in every regard. And with this being

my 23^rd Winter and Holiday season outside, on the

streets, life has become all consuming and all

absorbing merely existing on the streets, living around

the periphery of life and society, a moving shadow.

For most of this year, my vehicle was not running,

so I was on foot. I was given permission to stay where

I was by the Pleasanton Police Department, who then Forced

me to leave shortly after, claiming to have received “Dozens and

Dozens of Complaints about me”... When I was not even there,

my vehicle parked correctly, out of the way, and not

bothering anyone and the police force me to leave, to preserve 

their Superficiality for the Soccer Crowd that the police 

department bow down to and allow them to control 

how the city looks and presents itself.

 

 Instead of helping, the police just made things

tremendously worse. Having no money to repair my vehicle, 

 and the police department offering no help or support, 

the community around me reached out to help get my vehicle

moveable again, which I am so deeply grateful for their help and

support. None of the so-called Service Organization would help,

no matter how many times I reached out to them. I received

nothing but silence from them, and LIES from the police. 

 

My Respect and Trust with the Pleasanton Police Department

has been completely destroyed by their actions and them

not standing behind their promises of help and support,

not standing behind what they say they would do, then

making accusations against me when I reached out 

for the support and help they were offering and them 

changing what they said, even though I have proof

 of the help and support they were claiming to 

offer through emails and texts.

  

  Then they unlawfully, unethically and unconstitutionally

recorded me, a private citizen, when they came over to

 force me to leave, after giving me permission to be where 

I was, under the guise of it being for the Officers' “Safety”,

when they know I pose no threat. I requested, repeatedly, 

that they not record me, which they ignored. 

Taking away my rights in the process.

Life made even more challenging having to contend with the 

excessively high and Extreme increase of Inflation, which is 

making life Unsustainable in every regard. The out of control 

price increases that continue to spiral up... up... up with no 

end in sight. Taking care of even the most basic 

necessities becomes an extreme challenge.

 

Unsustainable living that has become a burden... and has

become the norm; having to choose what to purchase; food or

gas or personal hygiene or...whatever else is needed,

which then becomes a Luxury.

This year has been rough and sharp-sworded.

But there has also been so much to be grateful for.

Like having a vehicle now that offers some protection

from the inclement weather and elements, so I am not

directly in it, but it rains inside the vehicle around all the

door frames, the driver side being the worst, of course.

And I am grateful for the Mobility I now have that has

been restored and for the safety my vehicle affords me.

I am So grateful to have the roof over my head,

though not a dry one in the rain, I have a ROOF.

Granted, a Mobile roof... that moves with me, but

still a roof over my head. So that makes this winter

season slightly easier to bear in some ways, harder

and much more challenging in other ways, having no 

heat or air and with the additional expenses the vehicle 

requires that I have no help with and on a very fixed,

limited income to take care of it all; GAS, Tags, License, 

SMOG, Registration, Insurance, Repairs and the like.

The weather has turned on end... stormy weather

for the past month, ending the year in heavy, hard

rains and wind that has been non-stop and constant,

ending the year under the weather and the New Year

is carrying it over and continuing where 2022

ended off, 2023 is picking up and starting with,

already under the weather as the New Year begins.

Having to be out in it, 24/7, even inside my vehicle,

is a hard toll. Limits where I can go with so many

places being flooded from the continual, non-stop

Atmospheric Rivers that have been running

endlessly overhead, turning every place

into lakes and rivers where driving is

greatly decreased and walking not an option.

Living on the streets is the true meaning of Hardship.

Another year that will not be missed. And more of

my life and history being erased. The physical challenges,

especially being physically challenged and female,

the heavy financial drain... being forced to live

outside, without a home, indefinitely...

certainly not the life I imagined.

Life on the streets is brimming with Darkness.

And living on the streets... Decade after DECADE,

your spirits plummet and spiral down into

Unfathomable Depths...

Finding light in the Depths.... slivers come through.

How do you give thanks and be grateful being

forced to live indefinitely as a permanent resident

on the streets? Finding Grace begins with becoming a

Silent Witness instead of a reactive participant. Being filled

with gratitude when those rare hidden treasures of

Human Angels invite you into their home to do some

laundry, or ask you to house or pet sit while they are away,

a few days, trusting you with their treasures as you care for

what they treasure. That is what has helped so much

as this year closes. The community that has reached

out to me to offer help and support.

They have been my Silver Lining.

So I remind myself to keep breathing, in and out,

in and out. Every moment throughout the day

and each night. Focusing on the light.

This year is finally coming to a close and it cannot

end fast enough. Cannot say I am looking forward

to the New Year, but I know this year is not one

that will be missed at all. So may the New Year

unfold in surprising, supportive ways that

give me reason to B R E A T H E.