Christmas on the Street... 2022

 

Christmas on the Streets...

2022

As the Yule Tide time of year rolls around again, the

excitement that used to fill me up no longer exists. This is

my 23^rd Christmas on the streets. Hopes repeatedly dashed.

Being drained more and more with each passing

Season left to Rot outside, without a home.

Seeing life pass me by, year after year, decade after DECADE....

This is supposed to be the most Joyous part of the year, but I

cannot even tell you what Joy is. I have never felt it, never

experienced it. I used to believe in Magic and Miracles...

But after being forced to erode season after endless

season on the streets... I no longer do.. I Have no reason to.

For this entire Century, hope has faded more with each passing

moment... and every moment has turned into Survival.

If I could erase the Holidays, and the entire Winter season,

I would do so in a heartbeat. But the next best thing is to

read and write the Holidays away. They are easier to bare that way.

And then they are packed up and put away for another year, like

all the lights, decorations and ornaments.

And if weather permits, I spend the day hiking and in

meditation, where at least it feels the chaos is left

far behind, for a moment or two.

Twenty-Three Seasons that have been erased from my life...

twenty-three seasons that life has blurred together and fused

into a single moment in time, where everything has frozen

and remained the same. Twenty-Three Seasons that my life

never mattered, but for a brief moment here and there.

And that was only to move me out of sight.

What does LIFE mean, when you are never allowed to

actually live, in any capacity, just forced to move

from one place to the next?

Not welcome to BE... or ALLOWED

to just BE. Ever.

Another draining season as the streets have

completely consumed every fiber of my being.

Every thought, action, motion.... every dream... and

every breath Has been erased and replaced with life on

the streets. Stripped bare and laid raw, scraped

out and turned inside-out. 24/7.

So when the Holidays come I feel no Joy or Magic, just a

complete sense of dread as the nightmare continues. One

I have never been able to wake from.

Holidays hold no celebrations... not on the streets.

No parties, no festivities... no meaning. And it has become

something I dread when the Holidays approach. Actually

really hate this time of year, now. Being Excluded

from Life is never more noticeable or more readily

apparent than during the Holidays. But on the streets,

the Holidays are just another day in the life

of living, or rather barely existing, on the streets.

Nothing special. It just means every place is closed, so

finding some place to cleanup becomes more challenging.

As does finding food. Having to cleanup in freezing, icy-cold

waters hurts. Having to be out in the freezing

temperatures of the season is painful.

Homeless people are not treated as Valued and Treasured

members of the Human Species. The Homeless do not

fit into Society's Narrative. And instead of helping,

society makes things a million-fold worse by

calling the cops on us just for being present

and having literally no place to go, and when the

cops arrive, they Harass and demand our information and

then force us to leave.... the vicious cycle continues endlessly.

Because we are not Valued or Treasured,

but rather treated quite cruelly and

discarded like trash. Much like the internet

trolls who hide behind their screen to

unleash their Inhumanity making the meanest,

cruelest comments. So are they like that towards

the Homeless, but do so In Person.

Holidays on the streets. Holidays like

Thanksgiving and Christmas are family

Holidays. And when you have no one in your

life... No family, no one to share the time with,

it becomes moot.

The programs and Organizations that are supposed to be there

to “Help”, are created to FAIL. They are created to only

see the problem(s), so they only focus on the problem(s).

And the cycle viciously continues, endlessly. Because

they are always focused on the problem, the problem

only gets worse. They never ask what it is I need,

only what they want, how they want, where they want.

Telling us what to do, where to go, how to live our

lives. So everyone becomes nothing but problems to be “Fixed”.

And treated like Generic Versions of the same.

They show complete disregard for how their decisions

about and over our lives affects our lives.

How their decisions for other people's lives impact the lives

of others.

Their “Solution” is the biggest problem of all.

But the Community has stepped up to the plate,

showing up and being the Blessings that the so-called

Service Organizations never will be.

The Community asks “How Can We HELP...?” And

then they listen and fill needs to be met. They have given

me so much support and so much to be deeply thankful for.

My appreciation, respect and trust in the Community has

risen exponentially, while my trust and respect for the

Organizations, Churches, Service Providers and Law

Enforcement has vanished completely.

I am deeply grateful to the Community for their

support and Beautiful Generosity. Helping me

make it through another Season outside, without a home.

Another Christmas on the Streets... and Counting.

 

Thanksgiving Traditions.. On the Streets

 

Thanksgiving Traditions... On the Streets

Thanksgiving Day

2022

Traditions are different when you live on the street.

Especially in regard to Holiday Traditions.

But my tradition for the Holidays, when everything

is closed, remains the same, year-in, year-out.

I take a large stack of books and a few notebooks

with several writing instruments, and depending

on the weather, I will find a nice, quiet place in

nature, reading and writing the day away.

And if weather permits, spend a good bit of the

day hiking and taking in the Beauty of the

Season. The rich, Vibrant colors... the crisp

air, the seasoned wood burning from the

chimneys. Bringing a heart-nourishing

Solice to my spirit. Meditating with

every breath and every step along the way.

Having no one to share things with... having

no place to go and no place to Just BE.

Holidays hold nothing special for me, they are

just another day in the life of... living

on the streets. The only difference being

every place is closed on Holidays.

Otherwise, they are just like every day

of the year. Just quieter. The chaos

suspended for a moment...

This has been a challenging, devastating

year in so many ways. But there has also

been amazing gifts of Hope and Love.

I am trying to keep my focus on the

good that has happened, but the bad

continues to overshadow it, pulling me

in both directions simultaneously.

Actively having to focus on the good,

because the natural Default settles

on the bad. So, I am counting my

Blessings. They really add up, if you

take the time to really count them.

Enduring my 23^rd Thanksgiving outside.

Twenty-Three Seasons sitting on the

Outskirts of Society, of Humanity... of

L I F E. Twenty-Three seasons of not

being embraced by life, but rather

discarded and kicked Hard to the side.

We all face challenges. We all face battles.

I have experienced them all in this lifetime.

Which should completely clear any Karmic

Debt I have been forced to pay throughout

my life, especially my life having to live

on the streets this entire Century.

I have much to be Grateful for, which I am.

But feeling gratitude every moment when

life keeps Gut Punching me, is difficult, to

say the least. I am grateful for what I

have, and grateful to have what I need.

Another Thanksgiving on the Streets...

The Tradition Continues.

Thanksgiving Notes..

 

Thanksgiving Notes...

From a Life on the Streets...

Life can definitely take a cruel, hard turn at any

moment. And leave you reeling for the rest of

your life. I have had moments like this.

Many moments... And one of the Cruelest

I have been hit with and left with, was being forced

to live, or rather merely exist, in the shadows of

the Periphery of Society, of Humanity, and

of Life itself. Being forced out onto the

streets by and through the illegl actions from

a despicable landlord was the cruel, hard turn

I was never prepared for. And no amount

of training could prepare anyone to live

permanently without a home as I have been.

Heading into My 23^rd Holiday and Winter

Season of being forced to live on the streets. A sentence

that should be reserved only for the cruelest of

humanity as punishment for their crimes.

I no longer look forward to the Holidays, to

Winters and all the unbalanced weather.

Holidays used to hold a special place in my

heart... as the air turned more electric and pulsed

with its own heartbeat... and the Season would fill

with magic. Hearts were softened, grudges were

put aside, there was less judgement.

But that has long since passed... and the air has

become toxic with Hate and Anger, Fear and War.

A Culture that now stews and brews, marinating

in grudges and disagreements.

Spending Holidays, and endless Seasons

on the streets takes a tremendous toll on every

fiber of your being and is beyond Draining.

And there is no Celebrating... No feeling

of belonging, not involved and included,

especially when it comes to Holidays.

Holidays become just another day on the streets...

feel exactly the same as every other day of the

year. The Fairy Dust that the Holidays

used to be filled with has long since vanished and

lost its Magic. I dread Holidays now. Have for

a Long time. But I still want to believe

they hold Promise... And Hope.

That there is Always a Better

to come about at some point;

Better Circumstances, Better Living

Arrangements.... Hope that Life itself will

finally be GOOD.

Even though I have no excitement

toward the Holidays and no longer look

forward to any of them... I am Grateful

to have what I need, for the moment.

I am filled with Gratitude for all

the incredible help and support from

the Community I have received all year.

Helping me with Water, with necessities,

with my vehicle. Restoring my mobility to a

greater degree. For allowing me into their

Homes to care for their lives, their plants and

their cherished pets... Trusting me with

all they treasure. I am deeply grateful.

Living on the streets, Holidays look

nothing like the Commercialized Versions that so

many take for granted, because so many

have those same versions they adopted, so they

look and feel like what people expect.

But on the streets, there are no expectations.

No Holiday Traditions, no schedules, no

meals to make... On the streets, Holidays

are just another day unfolding like all the

others and start and end just like every day

of the year.

I am Thankful

Anniversaries... Living on the Streets

 

Anniversary Editions...

Living on the Streets

Twenty-Second Anniversary on the Streets

Life without Parole is what it feels like being forced to live

as a Permanent Resident on the streets. A Residence not of my

choosing, and much like prison, I was forced out here, but it

was not through my actions that put me here, but rather

through and by the actions of a Despicable landlord, whose

illegal activities has punished me for what he did.

I am forced to pay the consequences of his actions against

me. And that price has devastated my life, my health, who I

am as a person. And has changed me in ways that I never

wanted to. Your life literally ceases to exist living on

the streets. Support, Love, Connection, Community....

all vanish from your life, that is if you ever had it to begin

with. Finding out how to BE when you are not allowed to

even be Present. You find out what True Discrimination

and Harassment is from personal experience.

Life becomes Unimaginable, Unlivable, Unsustainable.

Living in the Raw every moment of every day and

all through the night. Your Life and History being

erased before your very eyes. Yet, all your personal

information repeatedly taken from you at every turn.

Your life becomes nothing more than your digits,

and nothing more.

This Century, this Entire Century has been spent

outside, on the streets, without the safety and comfort of

a home. Nearly a Quarter of a Century Outside.

22 Years and counting.... Heading into my 23^rd Winter and

Holiday Season. Wiping out nearly half my life in the process.

As the colder temperatures start coming through, cleaning

up takes on a more challenging role... having to wash up

in Icy Cold waters in the Freezing temperatures.

Another Anniversary of life on the streets. And another

year I do not look forward to attending. Echoes of

life can no longer be felt. The streets consuming

my very existence. And one of the Worst things about

being forced to live outside is the constant threat and

presence of Cops... they are not there to help when anything

happens, but to make sure you know your very presence is not

welcome no matter where you are. And every interaction

is Unconstitutionally recorded, Unlawfully recorded, Unethically

recorded. Against my will and without my consent, they record

and video every movement, every word, every action...

Knowing FULL well I pose no threat. A physically challenged

Homeless Female, whose only crime is that of Being Present.

So as the Days, Weeks, Months, Years and DECADES

pass living on the street, looking forward to anything has

ceased altogether. Another Anniversary, the 22^nd one, when

there never should have been a Single one.

I have never fit the Stereo-typical, Commercialized version

of what a Homeless person is “Supposed” to be like...

But unfortunately, that is the Image that all the Service

Providers look for, and have all the “Help and Support” for.

But they do not have the services needed for those who do

not fit in that role; I do not drink, or smoke, or use drugs.

I am not an Illegal Immigrant or have Dependent Children.

They only focus on the Problem(s), which only make

things much worse and amplified a Million-fold.

Years, and years and years... slipped by without notice, without

warning. Just G O N E!! As one Anniversary quickly turned

into TWENTY-TWO just like that. And Still counting...

Anniversaries on the Street...

 

A Community Of HOPE.. Birthday Blessings

 

 

A Community of Hope..

Birthday Dreams and Blessings...

As this is my 21^st Birthday outside, on the streets... Birthdays

are not Something I look forward to, much like Holidays on the

streets. And this birthday was no exception. But it has turned

into a month, and year, of blessings and gifts brought my way.

Birthday Notes...

Another Birthday Year on the Streets

Twenty-one Birthdays now outside. Twenty-first Birthday of life

on the streets. Not something that gives me cause to Celebrate.

Living on the streets is not the gift I would hope to receive,

and not one I would wish for.

But I have so much to be grateful for... so many Gifts of Love

brought to my life and to my heart, time and time again.

So many of the Community have reached out to offer support,

so many have shown they cared and that I Matter.

Especially after the Police Department Forced me to leave,

after giving me Permission to be where I was. The Community

stepped up to the Plate in a Huge way.

Most of this year has been on foot when the vehicle I

received as a Donation, that would at the very

least, finally give me a roof over my head, broke down,

leaving me stranded, quite literally, on the freeway.

But the Community rallied around me and helped

in ways I could never repay. They helped to restore

my mobility and get my vehicle running, once more.

It still has issues, but it is Running... and I can move it when

I need to, which allows me to take care of some personal business, be

able to get to some appointments, take care of needs and essentials,

for the most part. And that alone is a tremendous blessing

and something I am deeply grateful for.

Along with helping me so much with my vehicle, the community

has reached out even further with extending me offers

to house sit and pet sit while they are away for a few days,

here and there. Trusting me because of the way their dogs

respond to me. I met most, if not all of the community,

because of their dogs, who insisted on coming to say hi

to me. Animals are excellent people readers, and people

trust their pets' insticnts... and in turn, trust me as a result.

I don't take that lightly. And am deeply honored and grateful

for all the help I have received. I found out Angels are REAL,

and do exist. And these Angels presented themselves as a

Community. A Community of Love, Support, Healing...

And not only has the Community stepped up and offered so

much help, but other neighboring Police Departments found out

how I was treated by the one who forced me to leave and

offered refuge in their cities, giving me permission to stay

and be left alone. And the Community continues to

reach out to me.. Offering House Sits and Pet Sitting

opportunities with greater frequency and allowing me to park

in their driveways and in front of their Homes when the need arises

and the cops force me to leave for just being present. When I am

doing nothing wrong, not breaking any laws,

not harming anyone, just minding my own

business, usually reading or writing...

The Community has awakened the Beauty of who most

people are at their Core. People filled with Heart,People who care

and want to help. But that has not been my experience for most

of my residency on the streets. But thanks to this Community,

they have made this a Memorial Birthday year.

This Birthday, and year, is a Treasured Gift!