Anniversaries... Living on the Streets

 

Anniversary Editions...

Living on the Streets

Twenty-Second Anniversary on the Streets

Life without Parole is what it feels like being forced to live

as a Permanent Resident on the streets. A Residence not of my

choosing, and much like prison, I was forced out here, but it

was not through my actions that put me here, but rather

through and by the actions of a Despicable landlord, whose

illegal activities has punished me for what he did.

I am forced to pay the consequences of his actions against

me. And that price has devastated my life, my health, who I

am as a person. And has changed me in ways that I never

wanted to. Your life literally ceases to exist living on

the streets. Support, Love, Connection, Community....

all vanish from your life, that is if you ever had it to begin

with. Finding out how to BE when you are not allowed to

even be Present. You find out what True Discrimination

and Harassment is from personal experience.

Life becomes Unimaginable, Unlivable, Unsustainable.

Living in the Raw every moment of every day and

all through the night. Your Life and History being

erased before your very eyes. Yet, all your personal

information repeatedly taken from you at every turn.

Your life becomes nothing more than your digits,

and nothing more.

This Century, this Entire Century has been spent

outside, on the streets, without the safety and comfort of

a home. Nearly a Quarter of a Century Outside.

22 Years and counting.... Heading into my 23^rd Winter and

Holiday Season. Wiping out nearly half my life in the process.

As the colder temperatures start coming through, cleaning

up takes on a more challenging role... having to wash up

in Icy Cold waters in the Freezing temperatures.

Another Anniversary of life on the streets. And another

year I do not look forward to attending. Echoes of

life can no longer be felt. The streets consuming

my very existence. And one of the Worst things about

being forced to live outside is the constant threat and

presence of Cops... they are not there to help when anything

happens, but to make sure you know your very presence is not

welcome no matter where you are. And every interaction

is Unconstitutionally recorded, Unlawfully recorded, Unethically

recorded. Against my will and without my consent, they record

and video every movement, every word, every action...

Knowing FULL well I pose no threat. A physically challenged

Homeless Female, whose only crime is that of Being Present.

So as the Days, Weeks, Months, Years and DECADES

pass living on the street, looking forward to anything has

ceased altogether. Another Anniversary, the 22^nd one, when

there never should have been a Single one.

I have never fit the Stereo-typical, Commercialized version

of what a Homeless person is “Supposed” to be like...

But unfortunately, that is the Image that all the Service

Providers look for, and have all the “Help and Support” for.

But they do not have the services needed for those who do

not fit in that role; I do not drink, or smoke, or use drugs.

I am not an Illegal Immigrant or have Dependent Children.

They only focus on the Problem(s), which only make

things much worse and amplified a Million-fold.

Years, and years and years... slipped by without notice, without

warning. Just G O N E!! As one Anniversary quickly turned

into TWENTY-TWO just like that. And Still counting...

Anniversaries on the Street...

 

Anniversaries... Life on the Street

Anniversaries…

Life on the Streets….19^th Anniversary

When the word Anniversary is spoken or written, it is generally connected

with Celebrations; Weddings, Graduations….but sometimes Anniversaries

hold deeper meanings; deaths of loved ones, something truly tragic has

happened in your life, or a circumstance was forced upon you.

The latter is the type of anniversary I am talking about here. Though there

are many other anniversaries I face; the deaths and the tragic events…

they each come about once a year, throughout the year. But the

anniversary of being Homeless, is Every Day of the Year.

19 years ago today I was forced out of my home by and through the

illegal actions of a truly despicable Landlord for refusing to “service” him.

Regardless of the fact I was never late on my rent and usually paid a

few days early because I was not home when it was due. So This is

my 19^th year anniversary of living life on the streets; without

the comfort and security of a home, without the privacy of my own

bathroom, without the means to eat properly or regularly (because there

is no place to store, prepare or cook foods), without the comfort of a real

bed and being able to get the much needed rest my body needs. And this

anniversary is the one that has done the most damage.

Being Homeless hollows you out, and guts you like nothing else can,

taking a tremendous toll, physically, while taking so much away from you.

Not to mention the devastating affects living on the streets does to your health

and internal effects; receding gums, hair loss, bone loss plus a host of

other effects that are brought on by malnutrition too many to list.

Mentally and emotionally, it hardens you like dried cement…

Your heart deadening in your chest and you are left as a

passerby in and a bystander of your own life.

Facing my 19^th full year on the streets is devastating on its own, but add in

all the rest, and then being able to convey what that means to your life…

words just vanish from all thought. After experiencing yet another

Birthday on the streets, ignored and passed by, aside from having my info

taken by another officer, who proceeded to lecture me along with his

partner, which was my 18^th one once more not acknowledged,

while heading into my 20^th Holiday and Winter Season.

You would be very hard pressed to find another circumstance in

life that is as hard and challenging and difficult to bare as

living on the streets has been, and continues to be.

Living, or rather barely existing along the fringes of life….

None of the Anniversaries in my life are ones I look forward to

seeing pass. With each one, especially the ones on the street,

just brings a deeper emptiness to my heart and soul. Meaning

from life has all but evaporated into the energy of the living.

And living, in the truest sense, is eliminated, and in it’s place…. Survival.

Survival mode is your entire existence living on the streets.

You stay on high alert 24/7. Which then becomes second nature,

because youlive it day-in, day-out, every day… every moment.

Living life on the very edge of existence.

I never pictured or dreamed about living life indefinitely without a home,

being readily denied and refused assistance because of how I present

myself and for the life destroying habits that I never picked up,

much less considered even trying. But enduring 18 birthdays now,

my full 19^th year anniversary and facing my 20^th Holiday and

Winter season still homeless, Residentially Challenged, whichever

you prefer,living on the streets…has become a

never-ending nightmare I cannot wake from.

The Nightmare that Never Ends...

A life I didn’t choose, but was forced on me by and through the illegal

actions of a despicable human being…. And decades later,

still paying the heavy, steep price of his actions.

My life can no longer be separated from the streets, because I have

become so fused with it, I cannot tell where I end and the streets begin,

or where the streets end and I begin, as they

are one in the same. Life...Disintegrating before my

very eyes, and living it every breath.

Another Anniversary I will never forget….

But wishing I could erase forever.

Residence on the Streets....18 Years

Residence…. On the Streets

18 Years and counting….

~September 1, 2018~

Life on the streets…. Just the mere thought of life on the streets, living

without a home brings a plethora of images; unwelcome at best, and are

more like uninvited guests that refuse to leave. When you live on the streets,

you witness and experience things that most people will never see, experience or

encounter in any way, shape or form, or on any level. Living on the streets

means you see everything about humanity…. The absolute worst of humanity;

the undersides if you will, the undersides of life; and some of the

best people you will ever encounter; From one side of the

spectrum to the other; the Good, the Bad, and

absolutely EVERYTHING in between.

This marks my 18^th year anniversary of living on the Streets, heading

into my 19^th Holiday Season on the streets, living without a home.

18 Years ago on this day, my life veered sharply off course and thrown

into the rough, choppy waters of life without a home as a

direct result of the illegal actions of a despicable

landlord all because I refused to “service” him.

There never should have been a single anniversary to contend with,

much less years and years of anniversaries like this.

When you live outside, 24/7, you are given a LOT of labels, none of which

are kind or loving, and assumptions and judgments are immediate and swift.

None of which are fact-based, but based solely on others’ opinions of what

they believe to be the case without ever knowing what it is they are

conjecturing, talking about or assuming. They don’t bother with the truth.

The things that are affected the most when you are forced to live on

the streets, without a home are eating and sleeping. Never knowing

when either will happen, where or for how long. It takes a hard toll on

your body and health in every way. They say “everything” happens

for a reason. But what is the reason forcing me to live every moment

of my life without a home, on the streets because I do not qualify for

the so-called assistance that are only there if you meet the stringent

requirements of addiction to drugs, alcohol, chemical dependencies, have

dependent children, are a senior citizen or are an illegal immigrant?

So my hands are in the air. I no longer know where to turn.

Where do you go when you have no place to go and the

system for “helping” is of no help at all, while it denies

and refuses you the assistance needed?

One of the hardest questions to answer when you are homeless is when

someone asks, “Where do you live?”. Because the answer is “I don’t”.

There is no home, no place to go. I don’t “live” anywhere…. But merely

exist all over, nowhere, anywhere and everywhere. How do you answer that?

Then they always follow with, “You have to live somewhere”. No, no you don’t.

When you have no place to live in any sense of the word, there is no

place to live. Being bounced around from one place to the next just

for being present. One city to the next, because you have no home,

and cops insisting your presence without a home, is illegal, while

informing you of their illegal and unconstitutional “City Ordinances”

for Homeless “Residents”.  Making it a crime to have no home,

regardless of the reasons why, it is irrelevant to them.

Answering “Where do you live?” generally begets an extended silence….

Before I choose to say anything. And of course, it depends on who is asking,

and why. But when there is no home, and you have no place to go, but

stay everywhere…. You have no residence and do not reside anywhere for more

than a night, or two… sometimes a little longer. Life is lived on the

move, 24/7, around the periphery of society, of Humanity.

Forced to live over there, not here… keep moving, not this place,

or this one. Becomes the draining reality of life…. Without a home,

without a residence…. And without a LIFE that matters to anyone.

Your life is stripped of everything and only the slightest residue of what

had been there is all but erased. And any vestiges of HOME….

Are only in your dreams, if even then.

Life without meaning… without purpose, becomes a life without end

and gives no reason for being. And yet, life continues on, regardless.

Hope, Faith, Love…. Become concepts of thought, that are no longer

present in life when that life is lived on the streets. Words…. Can do so much;

give a glimmer of Hope, keep you in Faith, and lift your spirits, fill you

with Joy, Fill you with Love… letting you know you matter, and words

can be used as lethal weapons that destroy and kill.

And when your life is lived on the streets,

you receive more of the latter than anything else.

Decades have been consumed on and by the streets…. Lifetimes, gone.

Watching my life… and every day thereof, being swallowed whole.

Living on the streets… turns your life inside-out, and upside down, as though

your life was dumped into a blender and set on high, then forgotten about.

Life without a home, without a residence… living outside, day-in, day-out,

every single day of the year, year after endless year Wrenches your heart and

soul as it squeezes and twists every last breath from

your lungs. Your days become a monotone of existence of more of the

same. A copy of the same photo multiplied a million fold,

and set on repeat. Becoming a Hallowed out version of a

partial apparition of a person.

Another Anniversary, and day and another year in the life of

the homeless. Set adrift on the sea to a life of nothing

and nowhere… but everywhere and anywhere.