2019 In Closing

2019 In Closing...

Another year coming to a close and another one about to begin.

This year has been overfilled and overflowing with devastating blows,

and one of the hardest to bare, especially in terms physically.

Deep into my 20^th Winter and Holiday Season outside.

Each day becoming more of a challenge to face and endure.

Food, something that is supposed to bring healing, has been more

damaging than anything else. The healthiest foods becoming the

worst culprits. And made worse when you have no place to go

for rest and allow for healing. Living on the streets means

your body lives and stays in a stressed out place that can never

be at rest. Your body and your life, continually unsettled.

20 FULL Seasons of not being able to eat reguarly, or properly.

Of not being able to rest, to heal, to BE. Of having nowhere to

go, no bed to sleep on, no kitchen to store, prepare and cook

real food. Your life and health are always being heavily

compromised because of it. Being exposed to

everything 24/7, builds your immunity to some regard,

while at the same time, destroying you completely.

They say “Time Heals All Wounds...”, but I have found the

opposite to be true, that the more TIME I am forced to

live, or merely exist in any sense of Life, outside without a home,

the more damage results. My body more of a vestige relic

of what no longer is. Shelled out and gutted...

Being lied to by all these various “Support” agencies, claiming

they are there to help and support the Homeless... claiming

they have the resources and expereince to help, yet continually

refusing the help they claim to offer for not being their

stereo-typical Homeless person that is always

projected, but does not portray the reality of.

Filling my head with empty promises, my heart with false hope,

with endless words with no meaning, while making

fabricated claims of all they will do, and how they will help

support me to move into more of the actual LIVING part of Life.

My heart sinking deeper in the empty hollowness each passing

moment I am forced to live on the outskirts of life itself.

As the weeks, months, years and decades go by with

increasing speed, I remain on the sidelines watching

and witnessing every moment of life fade in the

distance. As time moves forward, life is supposed

to be getting better, not worse. But life is

moving in reverse and getting worse as more

time passes, when you live on the streets.

Living on the streets changes you in so many ways,

and in ways you can never imagine. My life from before,

has long since ceased to exit. Has become more a figment

of imagination that is blurred and distorted, like a burned

photograph pulled from the ashes....you can no longer

tell what the image had been. Or from when.

2019 has truly been one of the WORST years I have

expereinced, and one I am glad to close and shut forever.

Not a year I will hold fondly in memory, and hoping to erase

it completely. Trying to find little flickers of Hope, of

Faith, of some semblance of MEANING and I am

coming up emtpy. Losing Hold of the WHY.