Tuesday, December 31, 2019

2019 In Closing


2019 In Closing...




Another year coming to a close and another one about to begin.
This year has been overfilled and overflowing with devastating blows,
and one of the hardest to bare, especially in terms physically.
Deep into my 20th Winter and Holiday Season outside.
Each day becoming more of a challenge to face and endure.

Food, something that is supposed to bring healing, has been more
damaging than anything else. The healthiest foods becoming the
worst culprits. And made worse when you have no place to go
for rest and allow for healing. Living on the streets means
your body lives and stays in a stressed out place that can never
be at rest. Your body and your life, continually unsettled.

20 FULL Seasons of not being able to eat reguarly, or properly.
Of not being able to rest, to heal, to BE. Of having nowhere to
go, no bed to sleep on, no kitchen to store, prepare and cook
real food. Your life and health are always being heavily
compromised because of it. Being exposed to
everything 24/7, builds your immunity to some regard,
while at the same time, destroying you completely.

They say “Time Heals All Wounds...”, but I have found the
opposite to be true, that the more TIME I am forced to
live, or merely exist in any sense of Life, outside without a home,
the more damage results. My body more of a vestige relic
of what no longer is. Shelled out and gutted...

Being lied to by all these various “Support” agencies, claiming
they are there to help and support the Homeless... claiming
they have the resources and expereince to help, yet continually
refusing the help they claim to offer for not being their
stereo-typical Homeless person that is always
projected, but does not portray the reality of.

Filling my head with empty promises, my heart with false hope,
with endless words with no meaning, while making
fabricated claims of all they will do, and how they will help
support me to move into more of the actual LIVING part of Life.

My heart sinking deeper in the empty hollowness each passing
moment I am forced to live on the outskirts of life itself.

As the weeks, months, years and decades go by with
increasing speed, I remain on the sidelines watching
and witnessing every moment of life fade in the
distance. As time moves forward, life is supposed
to be getting better, not worse. But life is
moving in reverse and getting worse as more
time passes, when you live on the streets.

Living on the streets changes you in so many ways,
and in ways you can never imagine. My life from before,
has long since ceased to exit. Has become more a figment
of imagination that is blurred and distorted, like a burned
photograph pulled from the ashes....you can no longer
tell what the image had been. Or from when.

2019 has truly been one of the WORST years I have
expereinced, and one I am glad to close and shut forever.
Not a year I will hold fondly in memory, and hoping to erase
it completely. Trying to find little flickers of Hope, of
Faith, of some semblance of MEANING and I am
coming up emtpy. Losing Hold of the WHY.


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