2022 Will Not Be Missed...

 

Closing the Year..2022

As this year comes to a close, I cannot say it will be

a missed year. It has truly been a mixed year of Blessings.

It has been a really Raw year, overall. With bits of

good tossed into the mix here and there. And so,

so very draining, especially financially.

It's been A difficult year, to say the least. Beyond

Challenging in every regard. And with this being

my 23^rd Winter and Holiday season outside, on the

streets, life has become all consuming and all

absorbing merely existing on the streets, living around

the periphery of life and society, a moving shadow.

For most of this year, my vehicle was not running,

so I was on foot. I was given permission to stay where

I was by the Pleasanton Police Department, who then Forced

me to leave shortly after, claiming to have received “Dozens and

Dozens of Complaints about me”... When I was not even there,

my vehicle parked correctly, out of the way, and not

bothering anyone and the police force me to leave, to preserve 

their Superficiality for the Soccer Crowd that the police 

department bow down to and allow them to control 

how the city looks and presents itself.

 

 Instead of helping, the police just made things

tremendously worse. Having no money to repair my vehicle, 

 and the police department offering no help or support, 

the community around me reached out to help get my vehicle

moveable again, which I am so deeply grateful for their help and

support. None of the so-called Service Organization would help,

no matter how many times I reached out to them. I received

nothing but silence from them, and LIES from the police. 

 

My Respect and Trust with the Pleasanton Police Department

has been completely destroyed by their actions and them

not standing behind their promises of help and support,

not standing behind what they say they would do, then

making accusations against me when I reached out 

for the support and help they were offering and them 

changing what they said, even though I have proof

 of the help and support they were claiming to 

offer through emails and texts.

  

  Then they unlawfully, unethically and unconstitutionally

recorded me, a private citizen, when they came over to

 force me to leave, after giving me permission to be where 

I was, under the guise of it being for the Officers' “Safety”,

when they know I pose no threat. I requested, repeatedly, 

that they not record me, which they ignored. 

Taking away my rights in the process.

Life made even more challenging having to contend with the 

excessively high and Extreme increase of Inflation, which is 

making life Unsustainable in every regard. The out of control 

price increases that continue to spiral up... up... up with no 

end in sight. Taking care of even the most basic 

necessities becomes an extreme challenge.

 

Unsustainable living that has become a burden... and has

become the norm; having to choose what to purchase; food or

gas or personal hygiene or...whatever else is needed,

which then becomes a Luxury.

This year has been rough and sharp-sworded.

But there has also been so much to be grateful for.

Like having a vehicle now that offers some protection

from the inclement weather and elements, so I am not

directly in it, but it rains inside the vehicle around all the

door frames, the driver side being the worst, of course.

And I am grateful for the Mobility I now have that has

been restored and for the safety my vehicle affords me.

I am So grateful to have the roof over my head,

though not a dry one in the rain, I have a ROOF.

Granted, a Mobile roof... that moves with me, but

still a roof over my head. So that makes this winter

season slightly easier to bear in some ways, harder

and much more challenging in other ways, having no 

heat or air and with the additional expenses the vehicle 

requires that I have no help with and on a very fixed,

limited income to take care of it all; GAS, Tags, License, 

SMOG, Registration, Insurance, Repairs and the like.

The weather has turned on end... stormy weather

for the past month, ending the year in heavy, hard

rains and wind that has been non-stop and constant,

ending the year under the weather and the New Year

is carrying it over and continuing where 2022

ended off, 2023 is picking up and starting with,

already under the weather as the New Year begins.

Having to be out in it, 24/7, even inside my vehicle,

is a hard toll. Limits where I can go with so many

places being flooded from the continual, non-stop

Atmospheric Rivers that have been running

endlessly overhead, turning every place

into lakes and rivers where driving is

greatly decreased and walking not an option.

Living on the streets is the true meaning of Hardship.

Another year that will not be missed. And more of

my life and history being erased. The physical challenges,

especially being physically challenged and female,

the heavy financial drain... being forced to live

outside, without a home, indefinitely...

certainly not the life I imagined.

Life on the streets is brimming with Darkness.

And living on the streets... Decade after DECADE,

your spirits plummet and spiral down into

Unfathomable Depths...

Finding light in the Depths.... slivers come through.

How do you give thanks and be grateful being

forced to live indefinitely as a permanent resident

on the streets? Finding Grace begins with becoming a

Silent Witness instead of a reactive participant. Being filled

with gratitude when those rare hidden treasures of

Human Angels invite you into their home to do some

laundry, or ask you to house or pet sit while they are away,

a few days, trusting you with their treasures as you care for

what they treasure. That is what has helped so much

as this year closes. The community that has reached

out to me to offer help and support.

They have been my Silver Lining.

So I remind myself to keep breathing, in and out,

in and out. Every moment throughout the day

and each night. Focusing on the light.

This year is finally coming to a close and it cannot

end fast enough. Cannot say I am looking forward

to the New Year, but I know this year is not one

that will be missed at all. So may the New Year

unfold in surprising, supportive ways that

give me reason to B R E A T H E.

 

 

Christmas on the Street... 2022

 

Christmas on the Streets...

2022

As the Yule Tide time of year rolls around again, the

excitement that used to fill me up no longer exists. This is

my 23^rd Christmas on the streets. Hopes repeatedly dashed.

Being drained more and more with each passing

Season left to Rot outside, without a home.

Seeing life pass me by, year after year, decade after DECADE....

This is supposed to be the most Joyous part of the year, but I

cannot even tell you what Joy is. I have never felt it, never

experienced it. I used to believe in Magic and Miracles...

But after being forced to erode season after endless

season on the streets... I no longer do.. I Have no reason to.

For this entire Century, hope has faded more with each passing

moment... and every moment has turned into Survival.

If I could erase the Holidays, and the entire Winter season,

I would do so in a heartbeat. But the next best thing is to

read and write the Holidays away. They are easier to bare that way.

And then they are packed up and put away for another year, like

all the lights, decorations and ornaments.

And if weather permits, I spend the day hiking and in

meditation, where at least it feels the chaos is left

far behind, for a moment or two.

Twenty-Three Seasons that have been erased from my life...

twenty-three seasons that life has blurred together and fused

into a single moment in time, where everything has frozen

and remained the same. Twenty-Three Seasons that my life

never mattered, but for a brief moment here and there.

And that was only to move me out of sight.

What does LIFE mean, when you are never allowed to

actually live, in any capacity, just forced to move

from one place to the next?

Not welcome to BE... or ALLOWED

to just BE. Ever.

Another draining season as the streets have

completely consumed every fiber of my being.

Every thought, action, motion.... every dream... and

every breath Has been erased and replaced with life on

the streets. Stripped bare and laid raw, scraped

out and turned inside-out. 24/7.

So when the Holidays come I feel no Joy or Magic, just a

complete sense of dread as the nightmare continues. One

I have never been able to wake from.

Holidays hold no celebrations... not on the streets.

No parties, no festivities... no meaning. And it has become

something I dread when the Holidays approach. Actually

really hate this time of year, now. Being Excluded

from Life is never more noticeable or more readily

apparent than during the Holidays. But on the streets,

the Holidays are just another day in the life

of living, or rather barely existing, on the streets.

Nothing special. It just means every place is closed, so

finding some place to cleanup becomes more challenging.

As does finding food. Having to cleanup in freezing, icy-cold

waters hurts. Having to be out in the freezing

temperatures of the season is painful.

Homeless people are not treated as Valued and Treasured

members of the Human Species. The Homeless do not

fit into Society's Narrative. And instead of helping,

society makes things a million-fold worse by

calling the cops on us just for being present

and having literally no place to go, and when the

cops arrive, they Harass and demand our information and

then force us to leave.... the vicious cycle continues endlessly.

Because we are not Valued or Treasured,

but rather treated quite cruelly and

discarded like trash. Much like the internet

trolls who hide behind their screen to

unleash their Inhumanity making the meanest,

cruelest comments. So are they like that towards

the Homeless, but do so In Person.

Holidays on the streets. Holidays like

Thanksgiving and Christmas are family

Holidays. And when you have no one in your

life... No family, no one to share the time with,

it becomes moot.

The programs and Organizations that are supposed to be there

to “Help”, are created to FAIL. They are created to only

see the problem(s), so they only focus on the problem(s).

And the cycle viciously continues, endlessly. Because

they are always focused on the problem, the problem

only gets worse. They never ask what it is I need,

only what they want, how they want, where they want.

Telling us what to do, where to go, how to live our

lives. So everyone becomes nothing but problems to be “Fixed”.

And treated like Generic Versions of the same.

They show complete disregard for how their decisions

about and over our lives affects our lives.

How their decisions for other people's lives impact the lives

of others.

Their “Solution” is the biggest problem of all.

But the Community has stepped up to the plate,

showing up and being the Blessings that the so-called

Service Organizations never will be.

The Community asks “How Can We HELP...?” And

then they listen and fill needs to be met. They have given

me so much support and so much to be deeply thankful for.

My appreciation, respect and trust in the Community has

risen exponentially, while my trust and respect for the

Organizations, Churches, Service Providers and Law

Enforcement has vanished completely.

I am deeply grateful to the Community for their

support and Beautiful Generosity. Helping me

make it through another Season outside, without a home.

Another Christmas on the Streets... and Counting.

 

Thanksgiving Traditions.. On the Streets

 

Thanksgiving Traditions... On the Streets

Thanksgiving Day

2022

Traditions are different when you live on the street.

Especially in regard to Holiday Traditions.

But my tradition for the Holidays, when everything

is closed, remains the same, year-in, year-out.

I take a large stack of books and a few notebooks

with several writing instruments, and depending

on the weather, I will find a nice, quiet place in

nature, reading and writing the day away.

And if weather permits, spend a good bit of the

day hiking and taking in the Beauty of the

Season. The rich, Vibrant colors... the crisp

air, the seasoned wood burning from the

chimneys. Bringing a heart-nourishing

Solice to my spirit. Meditating with

every breath and every step along the way.

Having no one to share things with... having

no place to go and no place to Just BE.

Holidays hold nothing special for me, they are

just another day in the life of... living

on the streets. The only difference being

every place is closed on Holidays.

Otherwise, they are just like every day

of the year. Just quieter. The chaos

suspended for a moment...

This has been a challenging, devastating

year in so many ways. But there has also

been amazing gifts of Hope and Love.

I am trying to keep my focus on the

good that has happened, but the bad

continues to overshadow it, pulling me

in both directions simultaneously.

Actively having to focus on the good,

because the natural Default settles

on the bad. So, I am counting my

Blessings. They really add up, if you

take the time to really count them.

Enduring my 23^rd Thanksgiving outside.

Twenty-Three Seasons sitting on the

Outskirts of Society, of Humanity... of

L I F E. Twenty-Three seasons of not

being embraced by life, but rather

discarded and kicked Hard to the side.

We all face challenges. We all face battles.

I have experienced them all in this lifetime.

Which should completely clear any Karmic

Debt I have been forced to pay throughout

my life, especially my life having to live

on the streets this entire Century.

I have much to be Grateful for, which I am.

But feeling gratitude every moment when

life keeps Gut Punching me, is difficult, to

say the least. I am grateful for what I

have, and grateful to have what I need.

Another Thanksgiving on the Streets...

The Tradition Continues.

Thanksgiving Notes..

 

Thanksgiving Notes...

From a Life on the Streets...

Life can definitely take a cruel, hard turn at any

moment. And leave you reeling for the rest of

your life. I have had moments like this.

Many moments... And one of the Cruelest

I have been hit with and left with, was being forced

to live, or rather merely exist, in the shadows of

the Periphery of Society, of Humanity, and

of Life itself. Being forced out onto the

streets by and through the illegl actions from

a despicable landlord was the cruel, hard turn

I was never prepared for. And no amount

of training could prepare anyone to live

permanently without a home as I have been.

Heading into My 23^rd Holiday and Winter

Season of being forced to live on the streets. A sentence

that should be reserved only for the cruelest of

humanity as punishment for their crimes.

I no longer look forward to the Holidays, to

Winters and all the unbalanced weather.

Holidays used to hold a special place in my

heart... as the air turned more electric and pulsed

with its own heartbeat... and the Season would fill

with magic. Hearts were softened, grudges were

put aside, there was less judgement.

But that has long since passed... and the air has

become toxic with Hate and Anger, Fear and War.

A Culture that now stews and brews, marinating

in grudges and disagreements.

Spending Holidays, and endless Seasons

on the streets takes a tremendous toll on every

fiber of your being and is beyond Draining.

And there is no Celebrating... No feeling

of belonging, not involved and included,

especially when it comes to Holidays.

Holidays become just another day on the streets...

feel exactly the same as every other day of the

year. The Fairy Dust that the Holidays

used to be filled with has long since vanished and

lost its Magic. I dread Holidays now. Have for

a Long time. But I still want to believe

they hold Promise... And Hope.

That there is Always a Better

to come about at some point;

Better Circumstances, Better Living

Arrangements.... Hope that Life itself will

finally be GOOD.

Even though I have no excitement

toward the Holidays and no longer look

forward to any of them... I am Grateful

to have what I need, for the moment.

I am filled with Gratitude for all

the incredible help and support from

the Community I have received all year.

Helping me with Water, with necessities,

with my vehicle. Restoring my mobility to a

greater degree. For allowing me into their

Homes to care for their lives, their plants and

their cherished pets... Trusting me with

all they treasure. I am deeply grateful.

Living on the streets, Holidays look

nothing like the Commercialized Versions that so

many take for granted, because so many

have those same versions they adopted, so they

look and feel like what people expect.

But on the streets, there are no expectations.

No Holiday Traditions, no schedules, no

meals to make... On the streets, Holidays

are just another day unfolding like all the

others and start and end just like every day

of the year.

I am Thankful