Stranded...

 

Stranded…

in the middle of life

Left stranded in the middle of life, my life. My lifeline

and mobility taken so violently from me by and through

the actions of another. Making life more challenging

with each moment’s passing after my parked vehicle was

hit and totaled in the middle of the night back in March.

Forced to be a permanent by-stander in my own

life. Finding it harder and harder to be grateful.

Having what I need taken from me, time and again.

Gratitude is not what is filling my heart. Having my

lifeline and mobility taken from me, limiting and

restricting the income I have coming in and the

extraordinary prices that continue to soar further

and farther into the stratosphere plus a plethora

of other issues and challenges that have come

about and more rising with each moment as a

direct result of having no vehicle.

Struggling to find and truly feel Gratitude in the seams

and tears in the fabric of life, in just trying to take care

of the barest essentials, which have now become luxuries

that can no longer be had, especially not on foot.

Fall has always been my favorite season; the colors, the

crisp mornings, the rich scents of nature. The colors of

Fall are my colors, the colors I love, the colors I wear

and the colors that work best with my skin tone.

And though I love the Fall season, I am not a fan

of the Holidays, even less so now without mobility.

The only upside to this moment is being inside, however

briefly it may last. And that I am not directly out in the

elements, back on the street with no protection or safety,

like had been the case for a Quarter of a Century.

So not looking forward to a repeat of any of that.

This season, it is truly a mixed blessing.

Feels more cursed than anything. My entire life has felt cursed.

The bad continues to heavily overshadow the good, which has

been sprinkled so sparingly, very little, to say the least. Having

what I need taken from me time and time again makes me wonder

what the hell is the point in even being here, in any regard.

With the Holidays just days away, the hardship of not having

a vehicle continues to mount. I do not have any place to go,

not invited anywhere, but being able to go somewhere,

taken from me. I usually spend the holidays, hiking

(if weather permits) or reading and writing. More often

than not, combining them all together. After gathering

a good collection of books from the library.

This year, it will be spent reading, writing and walking

Paul’s dog, Abby. Abby and I sharing our day together.

I am grateful to have at least Abby to share the time with.

I am tremendously blessed and so deeply grateful to

have a roof over my head for the time being, and I know

how huge it is to have this roof over my head, especially

after being forced to live on the hard, rough streets for

a few months short of a Quarter of a Century.

And having this roof over my head, here and now, is

what is pulling me into the spirit of gratitude.

Left Stranded….

Paying the Price... STILL

Paying the Price...Still

Months after the fact, after my lifeline and mobility was so

violently taken from me, after an Asian woman hit and totaled

my parked vehicle in the middle of the night back in March during

the Daylight-Saving time change, where the woman took out

3 vehicles that night, first mine, then the truck parked in front

of my vehicle and hers, I finally received a small settlement

from her insurance. I had been searching

endlessly for a replacement.

But the small sum did not afford much in terms of

replacing my vehicle and lifeline. And the challenges it

imposes on getting to the places to search for a replacement.

But I finally found what appeared to be a good deal on a

2005 Nissan Quest van.

But turns out, nothing good about it.

The guy who sold it to me was quite sketchy.

He LIED to me about absolutely everything

in regard to this vehicle. And I so wish I could turn

back the hands of time and not purchase

what turned out to be a Junker.

One of my deep weaknesses is trusting people,

being too trusting, which has caused a lot of

harm to me and in my life as a whole.

Being too honest and too trusting

have cost me enormously.

First off, the guy told me it was a clear and clean

title, it’s not, it is in LIEN status from previous

owners. FAILED SMOG across the board, as the

Check Engine light had been disconnected as had the

Fuel Gauge and Odometer, both blank, and

the Catalytic Converter, removed.

I didn’t know it was in LIEN until I went to the

DMV to get it transferred and registered in my

name. Then the DMV demanding that I owe them

all the back fees for someone else’s inactions.

Not only that, but they forced me to get the SMOG.

When I returned to the DMV showing the SMOG

Failed, they told me I had to repair it and get

another SMOG until it passed.

That will never happen.

When I took the van in to be inspected, found that the

wiring has to be redone, everything inside the van

and under the hood needs to be replaced and repaired.

I took it over to the Carwash across from Wendy’s and was

overcharged for it being a van, not only was I overcharged

for the service, they did a crappy job and to boot, the battery

was dead when it came out of the wash and parked.

Turns out, the tow guy put in a wrong sized battery,

And put it in backward with the cables barely connected.

I have reached out to the tow guy several times,

he has chosen to ignore me entirely.

Instead of doing the right thing, he chose

the opposite direction. Certainly not a show

of Integrity, Character or Honesty on his part.

These are simply not things he stands for.

The DMV refuses to release the title and

registration to me, until the back fees

from everyone else is PAID off and the

Blasted SMOG passes, leaving me in

a difficult place, to say the least.

I reached out to attorneys; they refuse to take the case.

So, time and again, I find myself paying the heavy

price of another person’s actions. That is really messed up!!!

Still paying the price….

A Birthday Gift...

 

A Birthday Gift…

And one to Remember...

8/15/25

This has been a birthday of remembrance, something I

will hold and cherish. A gift, in the form of a colorful bouquet

of flowers being hand delivered to me by Janet, who has

blessed my life in many ways, caught me just as I was in

the process of walking Abby, the dog of the man whose

father I was doing in-home care with, and handed me

the beautiful array of a colorful bouquet on the

morning of my birthday.

Making it a birthday I will always remember

in the best way. To know that someone actually

cared enough to make my day special, a day that

was for the first time, remembered, other than by me,

usually when I do, though, it is after the fact.

The flowers brightened my day immeasurably and

let me know someone actually cares. That alone

brings a tiny glimmer of hope.

Every once in a while, the invisibility cloak unveils

and disperses for a moment or two, and someone

chooses to see me, at least for that tiny brief

moment, feelings of being Human emerge.

Hope filled my being, for a brief moment or two,

then reality settled back in. And the hope faded back

and disappeared into the ether, once again.

But the Beauty of the flowers, hand delivered and

being seen for a brief moment and actually acknowledged

on my Birthday, is something I will always

cherish and remember.

This birthday truly was a Gift!

Paying the Price...

 

Paying the Price…

My life has been side-lined once again, by and through

the actions of another after a woman who was either texting

or sleeping, was not paying attention to the road when she

came down the street where I was doing in-home care, at a

fast speed, smashing first into my parked car before moving

on to crash into the truck parked right in front of my car.

Jolted hard and fierce in the middle of the night through

the time change of Daylight-Saving artificial time switch

when an ear-splitting high pitch screech followed by 2

loud crashes directly in front of the home I was doing

in-home care in occurred.

All vehicles were totaled. The woman was rewarded

with a brand-new vehicle, while I remain on foot.

After her totaling 3 vehicles, how is she allowed

to even be driving? It cost her nothing, and cost

me so much, took away my lifeline, my mobility,

and left me unable to do much of anything.

Being so violently torn from sleep, Paul and I both went

out to see what happened. Finding a hysterical Asian

woman standing on the sidewalk after first hitting my

parked car then the truck that was parked in front of mine,

with her car smashed in between, all vehicles totaled from

her distracted state she had been driving in, coming down

the residential street at a very fast clip, either texting or

otherwise distracted with something else, immediately

took away my lifeline and mobility, not to mention

my source of income, leaving me on foot.

But I am so deeply grateful that I have a roof over

my head, however temporary it may be, and not

back on the streets with no protection at all,

like had been the case for the first several years

on the streets, where I had no vehicle, no

protection, no safety.

Her actions, though, have caused irreparable harm

in so many ways. Her actions gutted my life. Becoming

a forced by-stander in my own life, once again, through

the actions of another, where I am forced to pay the

heavy price from what someone else has done.

I cannot volunteer my time and skills, cannot donate

what I no longer need or use, cannot take any assignments,

go to any appointments, pick up groceries, check my

mail or do a thousand other things…on foot. That was

all taken from me, all from another person’s actions.

Not only was my mobility taken from me, again, leaving

me on foot, it literally put my life on hold, like a permanent

suspension. Unable to take care of even the most basic

essentials. Cannot take care of much on foot.

As the challenges having no vehicle increases,

essentials become more and more of a luxury

while life itself becomes out of reach.

Paying the Price...

New Year's 2025

New Year’s 2025

A New Hope…

A new year unfolding right in front of me. A new year

filled with hope. Something I haven’t experienced

for so long I know not where to begin to place it.

Being forced to live on the streets for nearly a

Quarter of a Century has left an Indelible mark on

every facet of my life and all through my body.

Finding myself living in Gratitude for seeing

colors and beauty all around. For having a solid,

safe roof over my head at the start of a New Year,

instead of being outside. It is a very new, very

different, very beautiful way to live.

Grateful to have a bathroom to use, and a bed

to lay on. Birds right outside my window, their

songs, a continual melody to my heart.

I was on the streets for so long, there was no

differentiating me from the streets, where I

began and where the streets ended, where the

streets started and I ended… it was so intricately

woven into the fabric of my very essence. I

could not tell one from another.

Even months after finally getting off the streets,

I cannot let go of the streets. It remains in all I do,

in how I respond, and in the essence of me. I am still

caring for the elderly gentleman whose son gave me

the step up and the hand up, not a handout, to get

off the streets that I have needed for this entire

century, though, certainly not in the way I

hoped for, but a step-up, nonetheless,

that lifted me from the streets.

But it was a path off the streets, at least for the

time being. I cannot say how long I will be here.

Paul’s dad has had to keep returning to the hospital,

then to their rehab. He will be 89 years of age this

year…. He has long since outlived his body in every

way. With him constantly falling and unwilling

or unable to use his weight to stand, he goes back

to rehab, hoping to gain the needed strength to

be at this house and at least be able to get up

and use the bathroom on his own, which is

something he is having more and

more difficulty with.

As he returns back to the house, Paul will give

his dad a few days, and if his dad can manage getting

up and using the bathroom on his own, he will be able

to stay. But if he cannot use it on his own, Paul will

be placing him in a nursing home. I do not know

where that leaves me, but for now, Paul is

keeping me on to take care of Abby, his

mixed breed dog, and to keep his home kept.

It puts my residency in a Limbo I am not at all

comfortable with. It literally hangs in the balance

of Paul’s decision, which affects more than just

his dad. I absolutely dread having to go back to

the streets, but with the limited income I receive,

that leaves little option for much else, but

doesn’t make it any easier having

to face the streets once again.

I am trying to stay positive, hope for the best.

A different start to this New Year,

to be sure. And perhaps I can finally put the

Streets behind me, though the streets remain so

deeply infused into every pore of my essence…

it will never fully and entirely be behind me.

A New Year filled with the promise of a New Start.

Closing 2024... Christmas and Winter Season

Christmas and Winter 2024

Closing out the year…

As the winter season begins and the end of the year

begins to close, book-ended by the Holidays, and the

Holiday Season, I reflect on having a roof over my

head this year, though, not the roof I would have

chosen or preferred, it is still a roof over my head

and a reprieve from being forced to live on the

streets like I had been forced to do for so long,

nearly half my life was spent on the streets,

my life stripped from me and taken.

A life in Full-surround sound and video.

Our lives the Feature film for all to see and hear,

where admission for the public is always free, but

at our expense. Every moment of our lives on

running video, spied on 24/7, with no down time.

So, the shift to caring for an elderly gentleman to

get off the streets for his care, is something I am

truly thankful for. But it is a mixed blessing.

Still have no space to just BE. No privacy.

The cons tend to overshadow the pros. But I am

able to finally shelve all the horror of the streets

and the endless nightmare it was and put it out

of reach for now. The harassment of just being

present, gone. That brings light to my heart with

hope for going forward. Though, I can never erase

what being on the streets was, or what I went

through, or the effects it had on me,

the residues of it remain.

Something I will never be able to wash from

my body or memory, as it is so intricately woven

through the fabric of my soul. Indelibly fused

to every fiber of by being.

Mentally and physically, I am still in the space

of being on the street, even though I have been

off the streets for a while now, I still feel like

I am out there. And I know at any moment,

that very well may be the case, again.

Holidays are not a pleasant time for me. I hate

the heavy, thick parking lot traffic everywhere,

the frantic frenzy of everyone, the rushing to

go and be and do 2 seconds faster than

everyone else. All of it just wears me down

and wears me out. Drains me on every level.

I hate the mass packed crowds, the deafening

volume all around. Have just never been a fan

of the Holidays. I dread this time of year. But

I am thankful and have a tremendous amount

to be grateful for. I am focusing on the

good as best as I can.

Being inside as the year comes to a close

is a first in a very long time.

Finally able to close, at least temporarily,

that chapter and finish the book. The book was

quite long and it never felt like it would

finish, the ending nowhere in sight,

just went on and on and on.

So, a New book begins and the pages

are already filling up.

Closing 2024…

The Next Chapter

A Season of Hope...

 

A Season of Hope…

Thanksgiving 2024

For nearly a quarter of a Century, my Holidays, along

with every day of the year, were spent on the streets, where

every day, regardless of the day or date, turns into “Just

another day”. And though, this year, they are still just

days, nothing meaningful, it is not on the streets.

This is first time spent indoors.

No, I have no one to share it with or have any

plans to be with anyone, meet anywhere and

I have not been invited anywhere, but I am

grateful to be off the streets, no matter how

temporary it may be, reflecting and

drawing up memories of love.

I will be Spending the day quietly with

Abby, Paul’s mixed breed dog. So we’ll walk

and have a Girl’s day. She loves her walks,

something she begs and pleads with

me to take her on.

The elderly gentleman I have been caring

for is currently in the hospital because I cannot

lift him. He kept falling and was unable

to get up and use the bathroom without great

help to do so. But Paul is keeping me on

at the house, for the time being.

His dad is apparently doing fine, according

to Paul and is in rehab working to be able

to get up and use the bathroom on his own.

I do not know where things are going from here…

or how long I will be there. I do not know if his dad

will be returning back to the house or not. But I

cannot lift him. He is dead weight. So, if he is

unable to get up on his own and be able to use the

bathroom on his own, he will not be coming back.

And where does that leave me? Back to the streets?

A prospect I dread. But I’m trying to keep my

hopes high and pray for the best for all.

Focus on the Good.

Being grateful to have a roof over my head

this year, especially as the weather turns. Grateful

to have mobility and a vehicle that is safe and running

well. I am grateful for the breathing space and time

away from the streets. I am grateful to have a bed

to lay on a few minutes here and there.

There will be no celebrations, not here, anyway.

No decorations. The only decoration is the

Vase of Flowers I got for the house on

my birthday. The flowers and stems are

dead, but I keep them there in the room

between the kitchen and garage.

Looking to add more flowers to it.

Like some fresh roses from the front yard,

coming up along the driveway and right

in front of the back gate. Noticed some

beauties blooming that would brighten the

place and offer a focal point of gratitude.

I know it will be much more challenging this

time around, if I am forced back to the streets;

with a much smaller vehicle, less space. But I

will adapt. And continue to breathe, or remind

myself to breathe and take another step

forward, moment by moment.

But focusing on the good, and I am Thankful for the

reprieve off the streets, having a roof over my

head, a room with a door that I can close and a

place to just Breathe for a moment.

Thanksgiving 2024