Living
in Limbo….
Life
was not meant to be lived on the streets, on the sidelines as a
bystander…. It was not meant to be drudgery, something to avoid and
be disheartened with. But hope no longer resides on my heart, faith
nonexistent….Love, have no idea what that even is. Maybe it's the
disgust that comes across people’s faces when my circumstances or
my very presence, really, become known, or perhaps it’s on the rude
remarks and cruel comments directed at me every moment of the day,
wherever people are present, or in the mockery of my movements,
proceeded and then followed by laughter as people find the way I move
hilarious as hell. Laughing out loud, or pretending to cough while
trying not to choke from laughing while making fun of me…. Is that
what love is??? I’ve come to truly dread being anywhere where
people are anymore. I was born with a life sentence, given before I
was even present in life, present before birth, and a lifetime
physical sentence through the actions of others resulting in the way
I move, or how I breathe. But the hardest to deal with are the rude
ignorant remarks and cruel actions and behaviours of others at my
expense. Being on the receiving end of the worst of humanity, makes
me truly dread and come to hate having to go or be where anyone is. I
no longer try reaching out to connect with others, what is the
point?? When you are not seen for who you are, but rather how you
look, the way you move (or don't, as the case may be), or judged by
your circumstance.... but not the person you are. Not in how your
heart may beat, what brings excitement to your eyes.... to your life.
Not in your beliefs, not in your friendship, not in causes that mean
something to you, not your skills, your humanity....nothing of
substance. The only thing people choose to see is how you move and
what your circumstance is, nothing more. You are not viewed or
treated as a living, feeling being, but well below
that of a human being.
I used to really love giving to others. Because I wanted to and it made me feel good, that is until my gifts were rejected, refused, and fully discarded because of my circumstance. And the ones I have given gifts to that they refused demanded to know "Where did you get this?", "How did you come by this?", "I can't take anything from you?". "You're nothing but a passenger, and I don't associate with passengers." Nothing I have given has been accepted, no matter what I have given.... not even my friendship has been welcome or accepted....just thrown in the trash. So I no longer try connecting with others.
Keeping
to myself, more and more often. And then become immersed in Nature
and her Beautiful gifts all around. Her beautiful feathered, furry,
and winged creatures are my confidants, in the truest sense. They
keep me going when life is too raw and ugly to endure, which is more
often than not the case. Dragonflies and hummingbirds bring magic to
my days.... alighting on me, time and again. Hummingbirds always draw
my attention, and when they are really wanting to connect, they come
over and hover just above my head when I am either meditating,
reading and or writing, they wait for me to acknowledge the motor
sound of their wings, and then when I look up to see them, they lower
to face me directly, eye to eye. Once they have my attention, that is
the time they take to rest on my knee, or the back of a hand..... or
the closest branch near me, and begin their songs. It lifts my heart
like nothing else. And when Dragonflies want my attention, they fly
around my head, zipping past my vision, until I follow them with my
eyes.... then alighting on my knee or forearm. Butterflies
landing on the tip of my nose, or sitting lightly on my finger-- The
magic never fades, no matter how many times it occurs. But it is
breathtaking every time and lets me know my presence matters, at
least to a select few, if not actual people. Though, their friendship
is what pulls me through, and means the world to me.
Animals
and nature have always accepted me, welcomed me into their space.....
always. Rarely, if ever, has that happened with people. What does
this say about me?? But man's best friend has never been man..... but
animal, and more precisely, dogs. Because animals see and feel the
real person, they don't care what you do, where you live, how you
move..... they accept you as you are. There is no pretense, there are
no masks that have to be worn..... just being you. Perhaps that is
why the majority of people who criticize my very presence, and insist
on their being "so much help" available to people on the
streets (which is an erroneous assumption that is not the least bit
true or accurate when you don't fit the "part") that I must
be out here by choice, would never be able to last a single night on
the streets, much less the nearly 2 solid decades I have been forced
to. Animals scatter in their presence, wanting nothing to do with
them. I have survived out here for so long because of the connections
I have with animals, something I have never had with people. People
don't accept you for who you are, and they never will. With people,
you always have to wear facades and masks that are not real in order
to be "accepted", but that is not acceptance. And when you
don't move in a predictable and acceptable manner, their cruelty
knows no end. People can learn so much from animals in how to treat
each other, but their greatest teachers are ignored or hunted for
sport. That is why animals, for the most part, do not generally hang
around people. They know when people mean harm and when they do not.
I
didn't choose this life that I was sentenced to, nor the harsh
treatment from humanity.... just for being who I am and moving in a
way they don't like, and forced into a circumstance not of my
choosing, while getting endless doors slammed in my face from places
that are supposed to offer help and assistance. So why do people
choose to make my life a nightmare that I cannot wake from??? Does
tearing someone else to shreds make them feel better about who they
are???? When all they are really doing is putting themselves in a
much lower light that is not at all flattering. Whatever happened to
the Golden Rule....Do Unto Others As You Would Have Others Do Unto
You.
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