A Devasting Year Comes to a Close.. 2018

In Closing 2018

Life on the Streets..

As this devastating year comes to a close, it cannot come soon enough.

2018 has been one of the worst years I have ever experienced.

And having to live without a home year after endless year, You cannot imagine

what it is like having to live every moment of your life on the streets.

But to have a slight understanding of what it truly means

to live your life on the streets;

What Does it Mean....

A Life on the Streets

What does it mean living on the streets? Living on the streets means

you can never call any place “home”, living anywhere, everywhere and

nowhere at all. Living on the streets means every facet of your life are

always on public display, in everything and all you do...

- Eating,
- Sleeping,
- Moving around,
- Just Being Present,
- Using the Restroom,
- Brushing your teeth,
- Cleaning up,
- Changing.…
- Cooking
- How you move, where you sit
- Anywhere and everywhere you go…
- It means we have heavier expenses to endure when
you have little means to get what you need;
food, clothing, supplies, cookware, fuel, etc
- Constantly being judged and cruelly condemned for a
circumstance you were forced into, along with endless assumptions.

Absolutely EVERYTHING you do. Every breath taken,

every step taken and everything in between.

All on perpetual display of the Public Movie Screen.

(Where admission is always FREE, but at our expense)

Living on the streets means you never have a regular place to receive mail.,

get into a regular routine. Because your life is constantly being shifted and

moved at every moment. It means sleeping, eating, cleaning up… whatever

you need to do, will not be at regular times, or regular intervals, but rather

scattered throughout the day and night, with no consistency.

Living on the streets, means…. You are no longer considered a resident,

or a citizen. It means you have no place to be, no place to go,

and nowhere to go. Then there is the fact you are always out in the

elements of nature. From the extreme heat, to the freezing temps,

and everything in between. Contending with the furious high powered

winds and pounding rain to the endless gorging insects

feeding on you through the night.

It means a life, your life, is ignored, stepped on, chewed to bits and pieces…

It means our lives on the streets have no value in the eyes of the public,

in the eyes of the Government, in the eyes of the so-called “services”

that are supposed to be there to help, only to insist that you

“DO NOT QUALIFY” for services because you don't do drugs,

don't drink, are not chemically dependent, don't smoke,

are not an illegal alien, do not have dependent

children, and not a senior citizen.

And more often than not, the way Homeless are treated and regarded

are very much along the lines of how the US Troops returning from

Vietnam were treated and regarded... with so much HATE, and

violent actions against them. And we are as welcome as they were,

which is not at all. A life without meaning,

without purpose, without connections.

The list is endless. Life on the streets is all about survival.

No friends or family. No one to share your days with, no one to come

home to and hear about their day, and no one to ask about yours.

Then on top of living your life where everything you do is always on

public view; Having to endure weeks of the worst air on the planet due

from the continual fires burning down the state, destroying lives and

memories in the slightest flicker of an eye. Smoke inhalation, thick

fumes clogging and filling the air for weeks on end with acrid fumes,

making it impossible to breathe, as your lungs burn and your chest

constricts and tightens, while your throat closes off... like being in an

airless room with no ventilation with smokers.

But from a great distance, and no matter where you go,

breathing is not an option.

Having severe Asthma since birth, makes

being out in it that much worse. They tell people to “Stay inside”.

How does that work when you have no “Inside” to go to?

Living life without a home brings an endless array of challenges just for the

very fact you have no home. But then added challenges make things even

worse for you. Like the state always being on fire, all the smokers that insist

on going wherever you go, having little or no income, and Holidays..

these additional things to contend with makes life feel more

like a cruel punishment than a precious gift.

And it is people who are turning me off from life entirely...

making life in any regard untenable. Being unable to breathe

because of other people's nasty, filthy habit, and the fires burning

through the state is impossible to live with 24/7... but when you have

no place to go, you are forced to constantly breathe this in, and literally

be consumed by the fumes of both the smokers' habits and the fires.

And the thing with smokers, they don't care how their filthy habit

affects anyone, or what it does to others. We are the ones to

suffer and endure their habits. According to them, it doesn't

“bother” them, so why should anyone have a problem with

what “they” do. Well, if their habits didn't have such a direct

affect on others' health and lives and cause so many issues,

people couldn't care less; But being on the receiving end of

their habit, and as a direct result; not being able to breathe,

having your throat close, while your chest tightens and constricts,

and your lungs burn...those effects that affect non-smoker's lives,

and having to contend with the noxious and toxic fumes 24/7,

then they could smoke to their life's end, if it didn't

affect and impact everyone else's lives.

I really wish that smokers could feel what their habit does to others.

And feel how it affects everyone around them, especially when those

affected have respiratory challenges already having to contend with.

To Feel what it is like having your health severely compromised by the

habits that other's impose on them, literally forcing their habit

down others' throats. I wish they could feel what it is like

being on the receiving end of their habits.

If they could, perhaps then they would be a little more respectful

towards people and not light up right next to others. Because they have

absolutely no respect or consideration for or towards others,

lighting up anytime, anywhere, regardless.

Then adding further insult to injury... those horrible, nasty

Leaf Blowers that do nothing but blow debris and thick, heavy

fumes of the exhaust that is like living inside of a vehicle muffler,

always on in an enclosed garage, as those Leaf Blowers

leave the air heavy for days with the fumes and debris,

and in turn, making the air UN-breathe-able. And what is worse,

is when sitting inside a cafe or library and trying to write or read,

when the leaf blower is blown full-on at the doors, filling the

whole place with the debris and fumes, making

your lungs feel like they are on fire.

Those machines are the worst things ever created. Really, what purpose

do they serve? They are nothing more than loud, noisy pollution

makers that toxify the air and make it impossible to breathe.

But that's right, no one needs to breathe.

This world will kill you regardless... that is the only

reason we are here; to DIE.

So as the year 2018 comes to a close....

I will be so glad to have the year over and done with.

There has been so little good this year, or in the last few years.

Life is supposed to be getting better through time, and through the years,

not worse; not more difficult and uglier. But this past decade of my

life on this planet has been the worst I have ever experienced.

No longer a fan of this thing called LIFE, in any regard.

And this has truly been one of the worst years I have experienced

in this life. As this year comes to a close and another is about to begin...

I'm not looking for more of the same, or worse.

Life has no pull or draw when all you have to look forward to

when you have no home; when you haven't had a home for so long,

you cannot even remember what it was like when you did, is just a

deeper emptiness, and a life that has never been welcome or mattered.

There is nothing to look forward to. Just a day that

never ends.... as days, weeks, months and

years roll into a single day.

But then a tiny Flickering of HOPE has been infused in my heart through the

Blessings I have been receiving as this year comes to a close. Just when things went

from bad to much worse, this month has brought days filled with Blessings.

People actually taking the time to care and offer support through warm greetings,

and help with food and supplies. Some Prayers have Finally been answered.

So as this year comes to a close and the New Year is about to begin, I have

much to be Grateful for. But this is not a year that will be missed.

Christmas Time.. On the Streets 2018

Christmas.... 2018

Life on the Streets

19 Holiday Seasons and counting...

19 years of Holidays on the Streets. 19 Thanksgivings and Christmases spent in the park,

when the weather permits, with a large stack of books. It has become a tradition, year after year....

spent alone, in the park reading. When you have no place to go, nowhere to go and never

once invited any place, your options are quite limited. I never imagined decades would be

wholly consumed on the streets, and where it is made crystal clear, time and time again....

Your life has no meaning and means nothing to anyone. Otherwise, I would not be

experiencing my 19^th Holiday Season once more on the streets, where I have become a

staple of life, a standing figure, a fixture that has become the very landscape itself.

What is the purpose of life when that life is not welcome as part of society?? Life is

moving past me in a blur, and I have not been able to procure a ride

through it.... but only dragged through in its wake.

I had HOPE, and FAITH.... that I would find the help and assistance I would need when

I was forced from my home by and through the illegal actions of a despicable landlord, but

finding nothing but door after endless door, phone after endless phone slammed in my

face and in my ear. Hope has faded to the merest shadow of form and Faith....

not something I have anymore, in any regard. Any Faith I had has been shredded and

torn to something that can no longer be recognized, due to all the False Hope and

Empty Promises made to me, many times over from individuals,

those in Law Enforcement, as well Organizations.

Filling my head and heart with so much Hope, only to sharply

pull the rug right from under me.

Right from the start I was told I didn't have any legal recourse I could take, because the

landlords in the city of Alameda could do whatever they wanted, whenever they chose and

tenants had to abide, no matter what the landlord did, whether it was legal or not. This was

from the Bay Area Legal Aid, who is supposed to be there to help, especially to help those

with no other means to obtain legal action.

They informed me that the only thing I could do if I wished to pursue anything was to

retain a lawyer, and the minimum for that would be $5,000 to do so. Not the kind of

money I had anywhere. I called numerous attorneys, in the hope of finding one that would

hear my case and help. But no attorney would listen, and none of them wanted to get

mired in legalities of Landlord vs Tenants. And because I didn't have the means to

fund their “time”, or their expensive tastes of LIFE, I could find no help.

I didn't have the means to pay for anything, much less the thousands of dollars

for a retainer, and still not have any assurance that the attorney would be able to help.

So decades later..... those doors and phones are still being slammed on me.

And thus, marking this my 19^th Holiday Season of life on the streets.

A time when no one should be on the streets. But there is really no good time

to be on the streets. Holidays just make it harder. Life on the streets, a permanent

darkness that overflows in your heart, like molasses.

Holidays on the Streets... Just another Day in the Life.

Holidays are just another Day on the Streets.

In Residence on the Streets.... Thanskgiving 2018

Thanksgiving.... 2018

In Residence of Life on the Streets

Once more, the Holidays are settling upon us and the end of the year is

closing in quick. Another year of life on the streets, and another Holiday Season

underway, and experienced again, on the streets. Another gathering of a good

stack of books from the library in preparation for reading through the Holidays.

When you live your life on the streets, Holidays take on different meaning.

Usually, they are just another day in the life on the streets, with the exception

of having a more challenging time finding places to cleanup, since more

places are closed, and more often than not, parks that have a restroom, are closed.

Not the parks themselves, but usually the restroom remains locked.

So cleanup is generally taken place at drinking fountains, if the fountains

have not been turned off for the season. But living on the streets,

you learn to adapt to circumstances well beyond and out of your control.

And you learn how to navigate the choppy waters of life on the streets. You

become an expert at adapting, through constant change and the forever

unknown in every moment of the day and night.

But when it comes to Holidays, it can be at times, some of the Best times

you experience, and at the same time, some of the Worst times imaginable.

Balancing the two is never an easy task. The feelings of abandonment

tend to flood through your thoughts, as memory brings back snippets of

Holidays past.... sometimes good, heartfelt feeling emerge, and then some not

so good, that bring you down the rabbit hole. This year has brought a mix

of everything. But overall, this has been one of the

worst years I have experienced.

The assault of searing, burning pain ripping through my body at every moment,

continues to increase and takes my focus away from anything else, and it is interfering

with life, my life, in every regard. What I can do, where I can go is greatly

being hindered by the never-ending pain and discomfort that has always been my life.

Been wondering my whole life when the “Healing” that is supposed to be so

natural and so ready to heal is finally going to kick into gear and begin.

Because it is not working, much like this body I was received in.

Pain makes it all but impossible to really enjoy life.

And unfortunately, pain has been my life's companion since before I was born.

I have much to be grateful for, though.... and I write everyday little things I am

grateful for along the way. But sometimes finding things to be grateful for

when you live 24/7 without a home, and all the challenges faced while living

on the streets, adding to that all the physical stuff I have to contend with,

especially this year that has hit extremely hard, makes it hard to be grateful.

But I am grateful to have slight respites of the onslaught of pain... where at times,

it finally lessens and eases up on the stronghold it has on me, ever so slightly, allowing me a

little breathing room, before it hits harder and takes my breath away, once more.

More things I am grateful for;

– I am grateful I am kept safe through the night, and alerted by the animals
around me when something or someone is making trouble.

– I am grateful to have the means to sometimes cook my own meals,
which makes a tremendous difference on my health.

– I am grateful animals find me as non-threatening and allowing me to stay

in their homes with them. And that they are drawn to me. Because my

feathered and furry friends nourish my heart and soul in ways that

keep me taking another step forward, giving meaning to my days.

– I am grateful to be able to read and write, and both have become like air to me.

– I am grateful to have clothes to wear, and sometimes the means to wash

my clothes at the laundry mat instead of by hand in the sinks.

– I am grateful to have soap to use to stay clean.
– I am grateful for the great thermos I have that keeps hot water and
coffee hot for several hours.

– I am grateful for the hand warmers, and emergency blankets that

keep me warm through the coldest nights.

– I am grateful I can wash my hair in the sink, albeit

in icy cold water.

– I am grateful to have water to drink and the containers to

keep it fresh and safe.

– I am grateful there are libraries around and I am able to utilize them fully.

So there is many things and much to be grateful for,

even when you live on the streets.

Taking the time to recall and reflect on all you have to be

grateful for, you find more to be grateful for.

This Holiday Season is my 19^th one on the streets... each one turning more

and more into a mirror of the ones before. Carbon copies of Holidays Past.

At times, the one thing that changes, is the weather.

Thanksgiving on the Streets.. Just another day in the life.