A Season of Hope...

 

A Season of Hope…

Thanksgiving 2024

For nearly a quarter of a Century, my Holidays, along

with every day of the year, were spent on the streets, where

every day, regardless of the day or date, turns into “Just

another day”. And though, this year, they are still just

days, nothing meaningful, it is not on the streets.

This is first time spent indoors.

No, I have no one to share it with or have any

plans to be with anyone, meet anywhere and

I have not been invited anywhere, but I am

grateful to be off the streets, no matter how

temporary it may be, reflecting and

drawing up memories of love.

I will be Spending the day quietly with

Abby, Paul’s mixed breed dog. So we’ll walk

and have a Girl’s day. She loves her walks,

something she begs and pleads with

me to take her on.

The elderly gentleman I have been caring

for is currently in the hospital because I cannot

lift him. He kept falling and was unable

to get up and use the bathroom without great

help to do so. But Paul is keeping me on

at the house, for the time being.

His dad is apparently doing fine, according

to Paul and is in rehab working to be able

to get up and use the bathroom on his own.

I do not know where things are going from here…

or how long I will be there. I do not know if his dad

will be returning back to the house or not. But I

cannot lift him. He is dead weight. So, if he is

unable to get up on his own and be able to use the

bathroom on his own, he will not be coming back.

And where does that leave me? Back to the streets?

A prospect I dread. But I’m trying to keep my

hopes high and pray for the best for all.

Focus on the Good.

Being grateful to have a roof over my head

this year, especially as the weather turns. Grateful

to have mobility and a vehicle that is safe and running

well. I am grateful for the breathing space and time

away from the streets. I am grateful to have a bed

to lay on a few minutes here and there.

There will be no celebrations, not here, anyway.

No decorations. The only decoration is the

Vase of Flowers I got for the house on

my birthday. The flowers and stems are

dead, but I keep them there in the room

between the kitchen and garage.

Looking to add more flowers to it.

Like some fresh roses from the front yard,

coming up along the driveway and right

in front of the back gate. Noticed some

beauties blooming that would brighten the

place and offer a focal point of gratitude.

I know it will be much more challenging this

time around, if I am forced back to the streets;

with a much smaller vehicle, less space. But I

will adapt. And continue to breathe, or remind

myself to breathe and take another step

forward, moment by moment.

But focusing on the good, and I am Thankful for the

reprieve off the streets, having a roof over my

head, a room with a door that I can close and a

place to just Breathe for a moment.

Thanksgiving 2024

Temporary Street Closure...

 

Street Closure…

Nearly a quarter of a Century being forced to live

and merely exist on the exhaust of Humanity, on the

Periphery of life itself for decades before a door

finally cracks open and a temporary end to merely

existing finally comes about, then right back to

the grind of street life. Not a prospect to

look forward to, and I’m not.

Life on the streets is like being trapped and sucked

into a time warp, where the only thing that changes is

the weather, going from oven baking, blistering heat to

frigid temps and everything in between. Having no

place to go, where do you go?

Being forced to live on the streets is beyond

challenging; having to contend with how to live

and be without any of the things readily available,

but not accessible for people living on the streets,

that people take for granted, Laundry, Showers,

having a usable and accessible bathroom to do

your private business, eating, sleeping, finding

drinkable water, clothing, shelter….

The list is endless.

But like with anything in life, our bodies and

minds quickly adapt to whatever settings and

circumstances we find ourselves in, and it

becomes the Norm. And so common place, You

no longer think about the How's or the whys,

you just do and go about your business,

like it is something you have always done.

But when you live on the streets, your business

soon becomes everyone's business, regardless.

Your life and everything you do, everywhere

you go is always playing on the Public Movie

screen, where admission to the public is

always free, at our expense. No privacy,

no matter what private matters you

need to take care of.

And finally having a reprieve, albeit a

temporary one, is a Gift, and something

I am truly grateful for. But I find I am still

not able to let down my guard. My head

remains on constant swivel…

And as it unfolds more, giving me more breathing

space from life on the streets, I do not know if it

will make things easier or more challenging

when, in all likelihood, I will be forced to return

to the streets once the older gentleman I care

for and cleanup after has passed on to the

next life and his next journey. I do not

know how long my position caring

for him will last, a few days, weeks,

months perhaps…. Maybe longer?

Of course, there are pros and cons to the

position, pros and cons to everything in life,

but I try to count the blessings and positives,

though the cons do tend to greatly overshadow

the good and the blessings all around.

Focusing on the good is my goal.

Living on the streets takes a tremendously hard

toll on your body, your heart, mind and soul

in ways that are truly unimaginable.

The moment you find yourself on the street,

is the very moment you lose yourself, your

humanity and what it is and means to be

human. You immediately stop being treated

as a living, breathing being from others….

And become non-existent.

Becoming invisible in plain sight…

A Birthday to Remember...

 

A Birthday to Remember…

2024

Most people are blessed on their birthdays,

and they are celebrated for their presence

and the Gift their life has been to others.

I have always wondered what that would be like.

Being celebrated just to be alive, being present,

and have a day of the year where my life,

my presence truly mattered to others.

But my birthdays have always been

unacknowledged. Days that are ignored

and brushed to the wayside, just another

day that is irrelevant and meaningless.

This birthday was spent cleaning up after an

elderly gentleman all day. What a way to

spend it. No one noticed, or even cared.

It has always been one sided. I always

remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries,

holidays and so forth, but mine goes by unnoticed.

Mine is silent. Just another day to make quite

clear that my presence has never mattered to anyone.

And this year, a mirror of last year (with the

exception of being inside this year) … were spent

taking care of Paul’s dad and cleaning up after him,

and the crap covered bathroom, doing his laundry.

The one positive about his dad is he is polite.

I realize how difficult it is for his dad to have a

female cleaning him and cleaning up after him.

I direct him to do what he can to help lessen

the effect of having me bathe and clothe him.

But the constant cleanup makes it a real

challenge to be grateful being here. I am

grateful, though. And having the reprieve,

however temporary it may be, from the

streets, fills my heart with gratitude.

Room and Board in exchange for taking

care of and cleaning up after his elderly father.

And though this was not the birthday I ever dreamed

of, it is finally one that is not spent on the streets,

and free of the endless harassment, and that is a Gift.

Even though my birthday continues in silence

with no acknowledgment, it is the first one in nearly

a Quarter of a Century where it

is inside.

A Birthday to remember.

A Life... On Repeat

 

A Million Times Over...

It feels like I have lived this exact life millions and millions of times,

trapped in a nightmare that never ends, and I can never wake from

living the same life, over and over and over again,

a million times over and beyond...

Everything, absolutely everything in this life has always given me a

feeling, a very strong feeling, of Deja Vu.... in just about everything

I have experienced. Like I am seeing it happen, before or after it

happens... and living it on repeat, and in the same position or

space. Really weird feeling, to be sure. Like my entire life

has been a continual Deja Vu…every moment of every day.

How many times have I lived this exact life? Is there any way to

find out and somehow finally, finally, be able to change the course,

take a different path.... one that I am supposed to be here for?

I cannot be here for the same life, over and over and over

again, without end. If so, then what the

hell is the point?

And is it really any wonder, then, why I really don't like this thing

called “life”? Since I have been trapped in the same one for eternity

and well beyond? Am I stuck in a Life regression for a reason? What the

hell am I supposed to be learning...? If the lessons are not ones

that I am grasping, how do I learn the damned lessons

already and move forward?

Being forced to live, or rather exist on the barest of humanity's

fumes, outside without a home for decades on end... what the

hell am I supposed to be learning from this nightmare? How to

exist without being allowed to be present? What am I missing?

None of the so-called “Providers” have ever asked me “we are

here to help, what do you need, how can we help?”. But they

have no problem forcing what they want, how they want,

where they want, when they want... which is not what I need.

I have more than served my time. But no matter what

I do or where I go.... the hand up I am in

need of is nowhere in sight.

My whole life has been in need of help and assistance,

and turning in all directions and standing alone at every moment.

So where do I turn? I am really tired of going in circles and finding nothing

but empty space. Recorded empty space, since every breath we take is video

monitored and recorded, every moment of the day and all through the night.

No space or privacy to be found, especially not outside on the public movie

screen that plays 24/7. How do I become the Hero of my own life and

change course? What the hell is “God's Will” in my life? Every direction,

every path I have taken has always been the wrong one.

Just being born was wrong, and something that never should have

happened. Not even my biological “parents” wanted anything

to do with me and discarded me before birth.

Trying to figure out the reason for my life.

New Year's 2024...

New Year's 2024

24^th New Year in the making of life and

living without a home outside. I have learned

a tremendous amount just by teaching myself

how and could be a Homeless Life Coach...

Life skills for living on the streets. All I

need now is some way to get paid for

doing so while also getting paid to pen

Best Selling Instruction Manuals...

Keeping my options open.

Another New Year book-ended by storms

on either side of it. But New Year's Day itself

turned out beautiful. Started off overcast, but

became mostly clear, with calm winds and

temps pleasantly in the mid 60s.

A mirror image of 2023... As the New Year

rolled in, But with easier storms on either side

of the change of years from one to the next.

As 2022 was coming to a close, we were battered

hard with heavy, powerful storms ripping through

the area, but held its breath at the dawn of 2023

as one year rolled into the next... the breath

released again at the close of the first day of 2023,

storms picked up right where it had left

off from the last parts of 2022.

The same thing happened this New Year, where

it was raining at the end of 2023... then backed off for

the start of 2024, before picking right back up where

it had left off the day before last. But this time around

the storms are much lighter and not as destructive

and devastating. But having 2 New Year's Days

in succession that were beautiful Gifts and both

bracketed and book-ended between storms,

were truly Gifts. A blessing to start the

New Year with.

It is always a great way to start off the New year,

by counting Blessings... and what better way to help

with that than through the gift of Beautiful weather to

appreciate and be grateful for and something to

cherish and look forward to?

I am not sorry to see 2023 come to an end. There were

many mixed blessings sprinkled throughout the year,

trying to focus on the better ones. But as a whole, 2023

was draining, especially in terms financially... as prices

across the spectrum had massively increased to

insanely ridiculous levels. And the prices

everywhere continue to soar further and further

out of control. Only a matter of time before the

entire economy Implodes into itself.

Unsustainable living... things have gone from bad to

much worse in all directions. Being able to take

care of even the barest essentials is a real challenge

and becoming a severe hardship in the process.

All food places have now begun charging

 excessively for condiments, and everything

                                              that used to come on the food itself, 

                                                  is now being charged extra for.

When living on the streets with limited resources and

means to take care of all that is needed, like Food, clothing,

DMV fees (Insurance, Tags, License, Registration, etc.),

gas, vehicle repairs and so much more become much

more challenging to take care of and obtain with the

heavily increasing, never-ending price hikes across

the board. Essentials become luxuries.

We are not designed to live this way. But we are not

given any other choice. As the forced manufactured

inflation continues to rip through our lives like powerful,

devastating storms, living becomes a muted, muffled echo.

So as this New Year begins to unfold, I continue to

spend life in Nature, listening to Nature's chorus

24/7, meditating throughout the day and night,

walking and Nature Hikes providing the best ways

for clarity, for gratitude and strength to continue

taking another breath and the next step forward.

But with all the rain, the walking through and hiking

in Nature is put on hold for the duration, as mud is

slippery and difficult to navigate. Sitting meditation,

reading and writing, when I can find some place out

of the elements, makes the time pass quickly, while

losing myself in the process but I am never lost.

New Year's 2024... Still on the streets.

A continual reminder to be grateful for what I have,

because things could always be worse. Much worse.

In Gratitude.

A Christmas to Remember... 2023

The Christmas Mirror...

Life on the Streets

Christmas has circled around once again. Another

Mirror Season.... Reflecting back the same, time and

again. My 24^th Christmas and Holiday and Winter

Season without a home. Never should there have

been a single Season outside, without a home and

it has been nearly a quarter of a Century now.

I could fill several libraries with the Volumes of

experience I have from the streets. Witnessing

the un-witnessable, experiencing the unimaginable,

living in a world that few can fathom. A world

that has completely fused itself to my heart,

body and soul, where I cannot say where

I end or where the streets begin, or where

the streets end and I begin... as we have

become interchangeable.

Christmas time on the streets is much like any other

day outside... with the exception of everything and

every place being closed and it is quieter as the

traffic of cars and people have slowed and calmed.

And the air is a different mix than usual...

filled with electric currents that you can feel,

coupled with the quiet calm that settles like fallen

leaves that brings a reverent Hush all around.

No, this is not how I ever wished or hoped to spend

Christmas, or any holiday or any day of the year,

on the streets, without a home as a permanent

resident outside. But this is where every day is

spent, regardless of the time of year or what day

it is or what it represents... Day after day, week

after week, month after month, year after

year, which has turned into DECADES.

It is easy to get lost in the days outside...

Being completely consumed and enveloped whole

by them and immersed within each one. When living

on the streets you become very present of every

moment while at the same time lose yourself

entirely in time's suspension.

With no place to go or be, especially when you need a

place to rest your body when your back wrenches out

on you, making it impossible to get around because the

pain splintering, spidering and ripping you to shreds

with every breath.. My body seizes in rupturing

pain that immobilizes me to a statue,

unable to move, or shift position.

Not being able to do anything or go anywhere,

not like I have any place to go, then made worse

with my back malfunctioning, Hiking will not be

happening this Christmas. But I think back to last

Christmas and the beauty of that hike. I Reflect and

thank the universe for allowing it then. It is rare

to remember Holidays on the streets, but this

is the 2^nd one that I will never forget

I know some were immersed in stormy weather,

some were sun filled and pleasant, and some were

filled with brutal, destructive high winds. But they

have blurred in memory... But not these last two

are crystal clear. I lose count of how many times

my back has gone out on me... several thousand,

and started before birth, my birth, and has

continued its endless assault on me since

then and I still don't know why it happens,

or how. It comes out of nowhere and strikes

without warning. hitting hard and fast.

It makes no difference what I am doing or what

position I am in. Sitting, laying down, walking,

dressing or undressing, pulling on my shoes,

brushing my teeth, picking up a pen...

it doesn't matter.

And this time it hit on Christmas Day. Being on

the streets is challenging enough as it is, but then

my body adding insult to injury, I have no

words to describe how it

affects my life.

Much like the endless, excruciating painful muscle

seizures through my legs and feet that have

happened my entire life. Charlie Horses from hell

that immediately seize my leg and feet muscles

then refusing to release its grip, and leaving

the areas extremely sore, tender and painful.

And since the pain has completely grounded

me this Christmas, I am spending the day

meditating and being thankful.

Another Christmas outside.

Christmas 2023