Anniversaries... Life on the Street

Anniversaries…

Life on the Streets….19^th Anniversary

When the word Anniversary is spoken or written, it is generally connected

with Celebrations; Weddings, Graduations….but sometimes Anniversaries

hold deeper meanings; deaths of loved ones, something truly tragic has

happened in your life, or a circumstance was forced upon you.

The latter is the type of anniversary I am talking about here. Though there

are many other anniversaries I face; the deaths and the tragic events…

they each come about once a year, throughout the year. But the

anniversary of being Homeless, is Every Day of the Year.

19 years ago today I was forced out of my home by and through the

illegal actions of a truly despicable Landlord for refusing to “service” him.

Regardless of the fact I was never late on my rent and usually paid a

few days early because I was not home when it was due. So This is

my 19^th year anniversary of living life on the streets; without

the comfort and security of a home, without the privacy of my own

bathroom, without the means to eat properly or regularly (because there

is no place to store, prepare or cook foods), without the comfort of a real

bed and being able to get the much needed rest my body needs. And this

anniversary is the one that has done the most damage.

Being Homeless hollows you out, and guts you like nothing else can,

taking a tremendous toll, physically, while taking so much away from you.

Not to mention the devastating affects living on the streets does to your health

and internal effects; receding gums, hair loss, bone loss plus a host of

other effects that are brought on by malnutrition too many to list.

Mentally and emotionally, it hardens you like dried cement…

Your heart deadening in your chest and you are left as a

passerby in and a bystander of your own life.

Facing my 19^th full year on the streets is devastating on its own, but add in

all the rest, and then being able to convey what that means to your life…

words just vanish from all thought. After experiencing yet another

Birthday on the streets, ignored and passed by, aside from having my info

taken by another officer, who proceeded to lecture me along with his

partner, which was my 18^th one once more not acknowledged,

while heading into my 20^th Holiday and Winter Season.

You would be very hard pressed to find another circumstance in

life that is as hard and challenging and difficult to bare as

living on the streets has been, and continues to be.

Living, or rather barely existing along the fringes of life….

None of the Anniversaries in my life are ones I look forward to

seeing pass. With each one, especially the ones on the street,

just brings a deeper emptiness to my heart and soul. Meaning

from life has all but evaporated into the energy of the living.

And living, in the truest sense, is eliminated, and in it’s place…. Survival.

Survival mode is your entire existence living on the streets.

You stay on high alert 24/7. Which then becomes second nature,

because youlive it day-in, day-out, every day… every moment.

Living life on the very edge of existence.

I never pictured or dreamed about living life indefinitely without a home,

being readily denied and refused assistance because of how I present

myself and for the life destroying habits that I never picked up,

much less considered even trying. But enduring 18 birthdays now,

my full 19^th year anniversary and facing my 20^th Holiday and

Winter season still homeless, Residentially Challenged, whichever

you prefer,living on the streets…has become a

never-ending nightmare I cannot wake from.

The Nightmare that Never Ends...

A life I didn’t choose, but was forced on me by and through the illegal

actions of a despicable human being…. And decades later,

still paying the heavy, steep price of his actions.

My life can no longer be separated from the streets, because I have

become so fused with it, I cannot tell where I end and the streets begin,

or where the streets end and I begin, as they

are one in the same. Life...Disintegrating before my

very eyes, and living it every breath.

Another Anniversary I will never forget….

But wishing I could erase forever.

Hero's

Hero's On the Streets....

You encounter all walks of life on the street.... when you live on the streets;

you notice more, experience more, witness more than most people ever will in their lives.

A Tale of Two Cities comes to mind… “It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...”…

But when you live on the streets, the best is no longer available to you. And it becomes

much more than a “Tale of Two Cities...”… it becomes numerous cities, too many to count,

and where there is a never-ending stream of Tales to tell; tales that devastate,

mesmerize, lift, brighten, and shatter your life in so many ways.

I've found that when you really need something, it is those living on the streets

that are willing to share and help however they can. The ones who experience

life on the barest fringes of living are the most helpful and giving.

Hero's, everyday folks, living without a home. Some of the truest hero's you will ever meet.

Life is not supposed to be defeating.... it's meant to uplift and inspire. But when you live

on the Streets, life pummels you to a pulp, pummeling the very life out of you.

That is where the true hero's shine through. People who can really relate to the Blessings and

Challenges one faces without a home.... without a place to get much needed rest.... but rather,

nights that are continually disturbed, having no place to store, prepare or cook meals,

having absolutely no privacy at any point when you have no home.

When you are fully present, but invisible to the Main Streams of Society... you learn the

fine art of disappearing in plain sight. And it becomes the Homeless's super powers.

Blending into the Scenery so well, we become part of the landscape and are

no longer seen as living, feeling, breathing beings.

Homeless know where other Homeless are...

but we are non-existent to the masses.

And thereby, unseen, disappearing in plain sight.

Becoming witnesses of everything; Some good, a whole lot of bad, and 

everything in between is what you experience living on the streets… that holds for

Law Enforcement, as well. You will experience some good, some truly bad,

and a lot of everything in between. How they act and respond toward you

tells you a whole lot of who they are as a person.

And a few select individuals in Law Enforcement become Hero's to those of us on the streets.

I have experienced a few of these Hero's in Law Enforcement, very few, to be sure,

but a few nonetheless, who have made life, my life, on the streets much more

tolerable by paying for services and products that I could not have afforded or

taken care of otherwise. Things that help to get me on my way. And when you are 

forced into a circumstance not of your choosing, and have limited or no income, 

getting even the necessary things for everyday living; soap, shampoo, food, 

clothing, bedding… fuel, supplies, things most people take for granted, 

that are not readily available to you when you have no home

and need to get these items, and find some way to carry them, day-in, day-out 

to use wherever you go, because you never know where you will be 

from one moment from the next.

Every once in while you will encounter a Hero that takes the time to listen and offer 

whatever support they are able to. Perhaps that is just to take the time to greet you 

with a “Hi, how are you?” and actually mean it and want to hear your answer.

They take the time to understand how you came to live without a home, 

and especially living without a home for so long.

So here’s to all the Hero’s who bring Humanity to the forefront.

They lift the ceaseless shadows for a brief moment, allow the

light to filter through the darkness.

Birthday Reflections...

Birthday Notes to Myself....

Reflections of Life on the Streets

Another birthday on the streets…. Blending into just another day,

like any other… and a replica of the past 18 I have experienced

on the streets, outside, without a home.

August 15….

Birthdays, like Holidays, have never really held any meaning.

Especially when you have no one to share them with, and each and

every one of them are outside, by yourself, and there is nothing

memorable about them. It’s just another day on the streets,

and a day that is easily forgettable.

My 18^th Birthday on the streets. And an 18^th Birthday is supposed to

reflect and show that you have become an adult and are now afforded

more of what life offers, while you take on increasing responsibility.

An 18^th Birthday is a Milestone and Turning Point in a person's life.

You are given the gift of becoming a contributing member of society, while

being allowed and expected to do your Civic Duties that are imposed on you

whether you want it or not; like being served to Jury Duty, voting

(which is a moot point, as votes are as worthless as expecting to 
grow rich by throwing money in the trash, and discarded while the 
Governments do whatever they choose, regardless).

In essence, you are legally liable for your actions, and for your life...

how you act, respond, and present yourself.

But this isn't that kind of birthday. Yes, it is my 18^th birthday,

Living on the Streets, without a permanent residence, but not my

true 18^th Birthday in Life.

I have long since passed that boundary of restriction to more freedom,

many times over. But an 18^th Birthday.... living, breathing and feeling

every moment on the streets.

Rights that are guaranteed with our birth and the age of which our Civic

Duties take hold, are rights that are taken away from you and denied

when you have no “Verifiable Physical Residence” to prove you live in the

right place, and have citizenship, not to mention required to have

Utility Statements and Phone Bills going to the

Physical Address in your name.

Our rights to Vote DENIED because they require a

“Verifiable Physical Residence”, which is highly Unconstitutional.

Our basic rights of a HUMAN BEING; the Rights to Shelter, Food, and

Clothing are nothing more than words without meaning when you

have no H O M E; no place to store, prepare or cook food, no truly

SAFE place to sleep without being disturbed throughout the

nights just for being present, having absolutely no privacy at all.

We are denied checkout privileges from the library because they have

now imposed different “RULES” about who they allow to check out

materials, and who they do not. Now in order to obtain or renew

your library card, you have to prove you have a

“Verifiable Physical Residence” where a Utility Bill and Phone Bill and

Bank Statements go to a PHYSICAL RESIDENCE in your name.

Something you cannot provide, because you do not have

when you have no home.

When I signed up for the Library Card, that “Rule” was not in place,

and therefore I was able to obtain a Library Card. But they refuse to

allow me to renew it. My circumstance remains the same as when I signed up,

but now, not allowed to check out materials due to my circumstance.

Another Unconstitutional right denied and taken away.

But I continue to have DREAMS.... and a Continuation of Birthday Wishes....

I have DREAMS of a Life of Magic... A life that truly matters and

makes not only a positive difference in others' lives, but makes

a Beautiful IMPACT, the World over.

But when dreams and reality remain the same...

Dreams become just a continuation of waking LIFE. Life on the streets.

There is no separation. Having no place to go, nowhere to go or any place

to just BE....is NOT how I dreamed of life, my life, would be. And having

to live without a home is no way to live, when your life is barely existent.

I've survived and lived through things you cannot even imagine.

The horrible, ever-present theme of my life.... being continually denied

and refused any and all assistance.... and being denied my very identity

right from birth. Denied and refused my Birth right, my Heritage,

My Blood Type, who my birth parents were/are. Why I was given up.

Denied and refused any and all identifying information of who

I was or where I came from.

These are not the DREAMS I had ….

I had dreams of Presence.... Dreams of becoming a Detective

to help others, Dreams of making a difference in other people's lives....

Dreams of making the world a much better place for all.

I had DREAMS of a LIFE that MATTERED.

And those dreams did not include spending my Birthdays in 
oven baking temperatures of 100*+ Degrees, but my birthday will be one

of the hottest days of the year, and not in a good way kind of hot.

But spending yet another Birthday on the streets.... my 18^th Birthday

on the streets, those dreams evaporated... like steam rising from the heat.

Heading into my 19^th year Anniversary of living on the streets, life

without a home and facing my 20^th Holiday and

Winter Season on the streets.

As Each passing birthday holds less appeal than the last.

Dreams now are no more than more of life on the streets...

I can no longer dream about what no longer exists; a real HOME,

a place of my OWN, a place to BE without the constant threat of

being disturbed and having the cops called on me just for the very

fact of having no place to go.

Reflecting back and it brings me right back to the very present.

Happy Birthday, to me....

A Life From the Streets.

The Recall...

Memory Hold...

Losing the Fight of Recall

Memory slips When you live on the streets, living without a home for

the better part of your life, things start disappearing from thought

and memory recall more and more. As your life centers more about

survival and instinct, you lose the ability to recall what used to come so

naturally, now no longer able to pull forth the words, thoughts, memories...

and they become lost forever in the tidal wave of living without a home.

For the very fact that life on the streets is wholly consuming.

And consumes you whole, while at the same time depletes your entire being from

the inside out, picking apart your life and body until there is nothing left to

pick apart, and it has wiped out any vestiges of who you were.

You lose yourself and your Self on the streets.

The simplest things fall to the wayside and recall is no longer an option.

How to make something in the kitchen (or make-shift kitchen outside using restroom

sinks for clean up and the tables and rocks for cooking on) that used to come so

naturally is lost entirely. And not only things from the kitchen, but from life itself.

The very basics of living become harder to recall.... did you eat or not, have you

cleaned up or not, didn't I need to use the restroom, or not, or did I go. And you

find you can no longer easily answer these questions.

Life becomes measured by each breath taken, and what you are looking

at in any given moment. What that noise is around you, the scents you detect.

The weather. This is what your life transforms into when you have been denied

living in a real home for a great portion of your life. Everything that had been

has ceased to exist in any realm of the present.

Recall, something that used to be no problem, has become a real problem.

Sometimes you can feel the slip of things being removed, other times.... it goes away

unnoticed until you try recalling something and find it is no longer there to recall.

Words lose their textured meaning and become little more than sound in spoken

language, and marks on the page.

And the longer you are forced to live without a home, the sooner you cease to exit.

Becoming nothing more than an afterthought, at best.

Living in the streets for so long and continually denied any and all assistance,

I can no longer tell where I end and the streets begin, and vice versa. As we

have become one in the same. And really the only thing I am known for now, or

rather what I am known for..as nothing more than a circumstance....

an iconic landscape for all intents and purposes.

So does life even matter?? A resounding NO when you are viewed as nothing

more than a circumstance of life, not a living, breathing Human being.

Living on the streets becomes a full time job, one that we are never paid

for our time or services, but endure the most grueling hours. And the only

ones who appreciate the work, are those of us out here, living and breathing

the streets 24/7, every day of the year. The sacrifices we are forced to make,

the concessions. It never ends. We keep going until there is no more going,

and at that pointing, we no longer have to worry about anything; about

whether or not we will be able to eat; what, how and where to eat. If we are

going to be warm enough through the night, or have to deal with the elements

of nature and nature herself. Animals, insects, elements of weather, finding places

to clean up, etc. Or ever have that treasured space called a H O M E.

Because at that point, nothing will matter anymore.

And not only will our memories no longer be needed nor recalled,

but our lives will not be recalled or remembered,

because after all....

we are only a circumstance, nothing more.

New Year 2019

New Year 2019

Life on the streets.... Every day of the YEAR

As the New Year begins, life on the streets remains enmeshed.

And the ugly weather that ended 2018 carried over into the New Year.

So the New Year is already starting off on a bad note.

Stormy weather with high powered winds and heavy rains

filling each day. When the New Year comes about,

it is supposed to be a time of resolutions and goals being set.

But when you live literally every moment of your life without a home;

resolutions and goals take on very different meanings.

And none of the top “resolutions” people make like lose weight,

which is always at the top of everyone's list, even make the list

when life is lived on the streets. Instead, you wonder when you will eat,

what you will eat, where you will eat or how. And survival,

in the literal sense, becomes your Resolution.

Life on the streets is highly unpredictable and stressful, and is like

living on a perpetual earthquake... never knowing what will happen at

any given moment. I cannot summon excitement for the new year.

It is just another part of the long, extended day of life on the streets,

where all time and days blur together. Time no longer holds any

substance or meaning. Friday feels the same as Tuesday, which

feels the same as Sunday, and more of the same each day of the week,

no matter what day it is, they are all one and the same on the streets.

Goals turn into eating, finding some place to get some real rest that is

not constantly disturbed, have warm clothes to wear during the colder

months and chilly temperatures, allowed to BE without being harassed

for just being present, have safe coverage at night to get out of the

direct elements, and be able to take care of all you need to,

especially in terms of the most basic needs. These are goals we

try to achieve when you live outside.

The year may have changed in number by one digit, but it still leaves me

literally out in the cold, and the high winds and heavy rains.

Circumstances remain, no matter what I do, where I go....

my life has been delegated to the streets for the indefinite future.

Still haven't come fully to grips with that. How does one come to

grips knowing that no matter what you do or where you go,

the assistance simply isn't there and you are forced to live,

or rather merely exist, day-in, day-out without the safety and comfort

of a real home? When you know that no matter what you do,

life won't allow you to move forward...

but only breathe one breath at a time, and take another.

I was hoping this year would be a better start, but thus far, not starting

off good in any regard. Really ugly and nasty weather, food poison

again from a prepackaged salad and having to contend with the

aftereffects of that, again.  And when you have no place to be, 

no place to go, you feel the cruelty of life. And finding 

Hope for the New Year is nil.

This is not a year I am looking forward to.