2019 In Closing

2019 In Closing...

Another year coming to a close and another one about to begin.

This year has been overfilled and overflowing with devastating blows,

and one of the hardest to bare, especially in terms physically.

Deep into my 20^th Winter and Holiday Season outside.

Each day becoming more of a challenge to face and endure.

Food, something that is supposed to bring healing, has been more

damaging than anything else. The healthiest foods becoming the

worst culprits. And made worse when you have no place to go

for rest and allow for healing. Living on the streets means

your body lives and stays in a stressed out place that can never

be at rest. Your body and your life, continually unsettled.

20 FULL Seasons of not being able to eat reguarly, or properly.

Of not being able to rest, to heal, to BE. Of having nowhere to

go, no bed to sleep on, no kitchen to store, prepare and cook

real food. Your life and health are always being heavily

compromised because of it. Being exposed to

everything 24/7, builds your immunity to some regard,

while at the same time, destroying you completely.

They say “Time Heals All Wounds...”, but I have found the

opposite to be true, that the more TIME I am forced to

live, or merely exist in any sense of Life, outside without a home,

the more damage results. My body more of a vestige relic

of what no longer is. Shelled out and gutted...

Being lied to by all these various “Support” agencies, claiming

they are there to help and support the Homeless... claiming

they have the resources and expereince to help, yet continually

refusing the help they claim to offer for not being their

stereo-typical Homeless person that is always

projected, but does not portray the reality of.

Filling my head with empty promises, my heart with false hope,

with endless words with no meaning, while making

fabricated claims of all they will do, and how they will help

support me to move into more of the actual LIVING part of Life.

My heart sinking deeper in the empty hollowness each passing

moment I am forced to live on the outskirts of life itself.

As the weeks, months, years and decades go by with

increasing speed, I remain on the sidelines watching

and witnessing every moment of life fade in the

distance. As time moves forward, life is supposed

to be getting better, not worse. But life is

moving in reverse and getting worse as more

time passes, when you live on the streets.

Living on the streets changes you in so many ways,

and in ways you can never imagine. My life from before,

has long since ceased to exit. Has become more a figment

of imagination that is blurred and distorted, like a burned

photograph pulled from the ashes....you can no longer

tell what the image had been. Or from when.

2019 has truly been one of the WORST years I have

expereinced, and one I am glad to close and shut forever.

Not a year I will hold fondly in memory, and hoping to erase

it completely. Trying to find little flickers of Hope, of

Faith, of some semblance of MEANING and I am

coming up emtpy. Losing Hold of the WHY.

The Street Pantry

The Street Pantry...

Life offers up many lessons. Most of which are not

ones we would choose to learn, if given the choice.

Life throws many cruel bends along with some

uplifiting moments, though, the former has

predominated my entire life.

Being forced to live the greater portion of

my life on the streets has not

only offered up too many lessons to count,

these lessons have been shoved hard down

my throat for 2 decades.

But street life has taught me how to

improvise and improve, re-using and re-cycling

my way through life every moment of the day.

Some of the lessons learned were the results of

just doing.... like teaching myself how to cook

without a kitchen, how to make great coffee without a

coffee maker or pot. How to sleep or rest, lightly,

no matter where I am. I have learned how to stay warm on

the coldest nights. I have learned there is free phone service

that allows you to talk, text and receive voice mails by using wi-fi.

I have learned to find pockets, nooks and crannies

of Nature that are the best spots for quiet, solitude

and for just BEING.

I have learned the fine art of disappearing in plain sight and

becoming part of the landscape itself.

I have learned that people only value those who have homes,

while discarding those of us without one, regardless

of the reasons.

I have learned to stop reaching out to connect with others.

I have learned people show their true colors to those

without the luxury of a home, colors that I wish I never saw

or had to expereince. I have learned that friendship that had

been present before you were on the streets are no longer there

once you are, they tell you they want nothing to do with you.

Yeah, that is really a true friend, there!!

I have learned that people will and do make immediate snap

judgements about another person's circumstance based

solely on their opinion, not on fact. Making

erroneous assumptions of your habits, of who you are

as a person, how you came to be where you are, and so forth

just because you do not have that luxury of a safe, solid

roof over your head come nightfall.

I have learned a million things and more living on

the streets. Things that can never and will never be

taught in schools. I have never really“learned” anything

in school, other than going to class after class that served

absolutely no purpose in the reality of LIFE.

And nothing prepares you for life on the streets.

Even living on the streets itself...and being fully immersed in it.

School never taught LIFE Skills.

No skills that actually

MATTER.

And nothing useful, just damaging labels for not conforming

to their way, to their thinking and Really nothing

learned in school can be applied to real life, in any regard.

School was just a jail sentence that all

kids were forced to endure for at least a dozen

years. Imprisioned for no other reason than

the age we were.

But the Life SKILLS that street life teaches you are not

ones you can list on a resume, though immeasurable, because

all employers want to see are what you did in School and

what GRADES you received.

But they do not want to know anything else.

School and grades tell abosutely NOTHING about the person,

what their skills are or what they can contribute.

But still, kids are forced to go to school.

What is the point in school, when it serves no useful purpose?

Just required to serve your sentence. School does

nothing to prepare you for Life, in any regard. And they

teach more about Flowers and Trees, than they do

about personal biology.

Getting sucked into the Vortex of Street life...

(becomes) a No man's land while becoming

every man's and woman's Domain. Reaching the

Dead End of Life and the Black Hole of Society...

Social Interaction, (Living) a life of meaning and

purpose all but obliterated.

Learing to Re-Use and Re-Purpose your life everyday,

every moment. Remembering to B R E A T H E and

keep moving forward or life ceases to be.

Holidays 2019

Holiday Blends...

Another Day on the Street

Holidays.... Another season of Hope underway as my 20^th Holiday

and Winter Season is rolling in. So many Blessings and much

to be Grateful for, along with devastating blows to contend with.

But the Holidays are really not a favorite time for me, not anymore.

Haven't been for a long time. Having no place to go, and

no one to share the days with, just fills my heart and soul

with a deeper emptiness left vacant and hollow.

As the air becomes Festive and Vibrant, and while the

Scents of Fall filling our lungs with the Sweet Warmth

of Spices, Baking and cooking, the Holidays brings

duality along with it. Living on the streets,

you only experience the Holidays through the

looking glass from the outside, not involved in or

immersed through it.

Breathing in The Crisp, Sweet air of the mornings and

evenings are one of the Best feelings, adding a

sense of excitement of Beauty yet to come.

Well, the air used to be Sweet and Crisp, now

reeks of Pot fumes at every turn, the Hint of

the sweet, clean, crisp air is still present.

But having to face and spend yet another Holiday and

Winter Season without a home and literally on the cold, harshness

of the streets, brings the reality of it smashing in my face.

So along with the Blessings I have and all I have

to be Grateful for, it collides in opposition to

living on the streets and all the challenges that

alone brings. The list of challenges a

physically challenged female having to

live every moment on the street nearly mutes

all the good; But being In Nature and Living every

moment in NATURE, brings beauty to my heart

and eyes as I breathe and experience all Nature

offers. With a front row seat to the colors blooming and

shedding, all the animals singing their songs, and

communicating with each other and everyone around,

with the background sounds of the traffic that tries to

mute the Nature Effect, and does diminish the

experience and feel of being IN nature, but cannot completely

overshadow it. Beauty will find its way through.

Like a single flower will push through the most barren

landscape to bring Hope and Beauty.

Holidays on the streets are like that single flower,

Hope and Beauty filters through on occasion.

No, it is not there every moment, but it does come

through and when it does and the light captures

your heart in those moments, the shroud of

smothering darkness lessens.

Holidays on the Street are not steeped in traditions, other than

the ones you create... mine, I usually have a good stack of

Books, which I take to the park and spend the day

reading and writing, meditating, and walking in Nature, unless

I am able to find some place in need of volunteers.

Holiday air takes on a different feel, where it becomes

electric and vibrates with its own heartbeat

pulsing with excitement. Where the Air becomes

Alive with Promise, and Hope...

December is the most invigorating month of the entire

year. The air is sweeter, brighter, crisp and filled with Sparks

of Hope, Light and Love that bring the feeling that Anything and

everything is not only possible, but the endless

possibilities that fill every thought, deed and action

arise and take hold of your heart, where Faith

takes flight and directs your every move.

Holidays 2019

Thanksgiving... Life on the Streets 2019

Gratitude... A Life on the Streets

Thanksgiving 2019

And the tradition continues.... another day of a life

on the street for another Thanksgiving.

Spending the day with a stack of books, unless I am

able to find some place to Volunteer, but this is the time of year

that is overflowing with volunteers making up for the rest

of the year of them letting it go by the wayside

, so if I cannot find a plce to volunteer (which is something I have

done throughout my life, not just the decades outside and through the

Holidays, as well, if help is needed and not filled) reading

in the park, walking through and in Nature and counting my Blessings.

A tradition I never once dreamed would be my life, of

living on the streets, has become my very existence.

But counting my Blessings has become a staple of life,

every moment of it. Reading in the park on the Holidays is

another tradition, because everything is closed, volunteering is

over-filled, and I have nowhere or place to go or be...

so reading makes the time go by quickly, and I

do not have to think about life.

Just take in the smells, listen to nature's orchestra

and feel grateful just to BE in the moment,

surrounded by the Beauty of Nature and all

Her Gifts the animals bring to my heart.

I have much to be Grateful for, which I

keep having to redirect my focus on, otherwise,

life takes hold and reality smashes into

my face and the circumstance I have been

forced to endure decade after decade.

Some things I am Grateful for;

- Having access to clean water to drink
- Having access to restrooms to cleanup in, change and 
wash my hair in the icy cold water from the sink
- Being literate and able to read and write with proficiency
- Having the means to do laundry when I need to
- Having clothes to wear
- Having a body that continues to hold me up
- Having many in Law Enforcement on my side
- Receiving Help that have been treasured gifts
- Being able to Communicate in a variety of ways
- Having a good, portable toothbrush
- Being able to make great coffee without a coffeemaker
- Being able to volunteer to work with animals

These are just a few things I am deeply, truly Grateful for.

Many other things come to mind of what I am Grateful

for. And I count Blessing after Blessing throughout the day

and it keeps me pressing on to face another day without

a home. But Purpose and Meaning have Eclipsed my life.

What are the lessons I am supposed to learn being

forced to live outside, without a home, indefinitely?

Whatever the lessons are suppose to be,

it is not something I have been able to cull

from. How do you draw a meaningful and

purposeful life when you are forced into a

circumstance not of your choosing and

you lose youself in the process?

And while I will never be Grateful for being forced from my home

by and through the illegal actions of a despicable landlord,

living on the streets teaches you about Life in the very

literal sense;

You learn how to be resilent and how to use what you have

all around you, while improvising every moment of every day and

all through the night. Street life teaches you how to persevre

through the worst (of) what life throws at you, and all you experience

and face with life without the comfort and security of a home.

There is no way to prepare for and nothing prepares you

for street life, even when fully immersed in it.

But the Gratitude stems from what I have learned

and how to become while living on the street;

The strength that has come forth that I never knew

was there, learning how to quickly adapt to

anything and everything that comes my way, or I am

forced to endure, how to let go and move on and

keep moving forward.

The Tradtion now unfolding and becoming the staple

of life... is how to live when you merely exist, while

around the Fringes of Life itself.Every moment of

every day, Each and every Holiday and Winter, Summer,

Spring and Fall. A Tradition that is a

Century in the Making.

Another Thanksgiving steeped in the

Non-Traditional specs of Street life.

Thanksgiving Blessings.

Anniversaries... Life on the Street

Anniversaries…

Life on the Streets….19^th Anniversary

When the word Anniversary is spoken or written, it is generally connected

with Celebrations; Weddings, Graduations….but sometimes Anniversaries

hold deeper meanings; deaths of loved ones, something truly tragic has

happened in your life, or a circumstance was forced upon you.

The latter is the type of anniversary I am talking about here. Though there

are many other anniversaries I face; the deaths and the tragic events…

they each come about once a year, throughout the year. But the

anniversary of being Homeless, is Every Day of the Year.

19 years ago today I was forced out of my home by and through the

illegal actions of a truly despicable Landlord for refusing to “service” him.

Regardless of the fact I was never late on my rent and usually paid a

few days early because I was not home when it was due. So This is

my 19^th year anniversary of living life on the streets; without

the comfort and security of a home, without the privacy of my own

bathroom, without the means to eat properly or regularly (because there

is no place to store, prepare or cook foods), without the comfort of a real

bed and being able to get the much needed rest my body needs. And this

anniversary is the one that has done the most damage.

Being Homeless hollows you out, and guts you like nothing else can,

taking a tremendous toll, physically, while taking so much away from you.

Not to mention the devastating affects living on the streets does to your health

and internal effects; receding gums, hair loss, bone loss plus a host of

other effects that are brought on by malnutrition too many to list.

Mentally and emotionally, it hardens you like dried cement…

Your heart deadening in your chest and you are left as a

passerby in and a bystander of your own life.

Facing my 19^th full year on the streets is devastating on its own, but add in

all the rest, and then being able to convey what that means to your life…

words just vanish from all thought. After experiencing yet another

Birthday on the streets, ignored and passed by, aside from having my info

taken by another officer, who proceeded to lecture me along with his

partner, which was my 18^th one once more not acknowledged,

while heading into my 20^th Holiday and Winter Season.

You would be very hard pressed to find another circumstance in

life that is as hard and challenging and difficult to bare as

living on the streets has been, and continues to be.

Living, or rather barely existing along the fringes of life….

None of the Anniversaries in my life are ones I look forward to

seeing pass. With each one, especially the ones on the street,

just brings a deeper emptiness to my heart and soul. Meaning

from life has all but evaporated into the energy of the living.

And living, in the truest sense, is eliminated, and in it’s place…. Survival.

Survival mode is your entire existence living on the streets.

You stay on high alert 24/7. Which then becomes second nature,

because youlive it day-in, day-out, every day… every moment.

Living life on the very edge of existence.

I never pictured or dreamed about living life indefinitely without a home,

being readily denied and refused assistance because of how I present

myself and for the life destroying habits that I never picked up,

much less considered even trying. But enduring 18 birthdays now,

my full 19^th year anniversary and facing my 20^th Holiday and

Winter season still homeless, Residentially Challenged, whichever

you prefer,living on the streets…has become a

never-ending nightmare I cannot wake from.

The Nightmare that Never Ends...

A life I didn’t choose, but was forced on me by and through the illegal

actions of a despicable human being…. And decades later,

still paying the heavy, steep price of his actions.

My life can no longer be separated from the streets, because I have

become so fused with it, I cannot tell where I end and the streets begin,

or where the streets end and I begin, as they

are one in the same. Life...Disintegrating before my

very eyes, and living it every breath.

Another Anniversary I will never forget….

But wishing I could erase forever.