An Existence on the Streets... My 17th Anniversary Outside

An Existence on the Streets….

My 17^th Anniversary being outside..

Where there should have never been a single anniversary to face living
on the streets,  today marks my 17^th anniversary of life on the streets.

A mere existence...and wondering how I still find myself breathing, as such as it is.

As I am Heading into my 18^th Holiday Season, and just faced my 16^th Birthday, alone,

on the streets.  Hope; I have no idea what that is anymore.  Faith…. What exactly is that?

Love, does it even exist in this world so filled with violence and hate?

Faith, Hope, Love…. Supposed to be the most natural things in the world….

Become the most unnatural in life.  How do you experience things that do not exist in your life?

Life on the streets… becomes an interminable darkness that fills your heart. 

There is no light at the end of the tunnel…. There is no end to the tunnel.  Your life, your heart and very soul are changed in ways that can never be undone.  A permanent shadow settles over your heart that overshadows
everything else. If everyone working in these so-called places of “assistance” were forced to live on the streets
for even a few days for training, the services and help that those of us out here are denied and refused because we do not fit the role of the stereotype of what a homeless person is supposed to look like, smell and behave like…. There would not be a homeless problem to begin with. And those who actually need the help and assistance would finally receive it. But unfortunately, that is not the way they are trained.  So they impose these “standards of requirements”
for help available for those on the streets. The only way to receive any assistance at all is to
fall into the parameters of substance abuse, alcoholism, smoking, addictions,

having dependent children, be an illegal immigrant or be seniors….

And when you are clean, and do not have any life destroying habits, there is no help at all. 

That is why I am still on the streets after 17 long years…. Still struggling just to survive day by day,
moment by moment. That is why Hope, Faith and Love are not around in my life…..

   I have no hope that I will ever see a roof over my head again, 

not in the truest sense of that word, a real home.

Days and nights have come to be dreaded…. Settling over you like a shroud that cannot be lifted.

The heavy, sludgy stagnant air of the summers are impossible to be in, and made even worse by the
smokers who come right next to you, lighting up and making it impossible to breathe by imposing
their filthy, nasty habit on all around. Giving absolutely no thought or consideration how
their habit affects everyone around them. And when you are extremely allergic to that crap,

smokers make life absolutely miserable for those of us forced to live life on the

streets, lighting up anywhere and everywhere.  Whether they are homeless, or have homes.

I would so love to have them feel what it is like not being able to breathe because someone else imposes
their habit on them, have them feel what it is like having their chest tighten, their lungs burn and constrict
and their throat closing off because of someone else’s nasty habit they force on you…. Perhaps if they were
finally on the receiving end of their filthy habit, they would not be so quick to force that crap down everyone’s
throats.  And most of these people work in healthcare or food service…. Where it literally makes things worse all around. Smokers end up causing more harm than doing any good.  Having your food prepared by a smoker, those nasty fumes infuse the food with the worst flavor in the world, making you ill from it, and in healthcare, you cannot breathe because of someone  else’s habit because the fumes that cling to them tighter than saran wrap..

Smokers believe that once they put out the cigarette, that no one can tell they smoke….

And if you are a smoker, you cannot.  And they do not believe that their filthy, nasty

cloud of fumes even exist.  But when you not only do not smoke, but are extremely

allergic to it….. the fumes come through continuously.  A smell that is ever present and
never goes away once it is there. It makes no difference how long in between cigarettes….. 

  the smell and the fumes are a  permanent fixture, that can never be removed.

Smokers are just one of the many hazards those of us on the street have to face….

Even worse, when those smokers live on the streets, you cannot escape from it. But certainly

one of the absolute worst things we are forced to endure.  Everything else falls to second place and further. 
But smokers top the list destroying our lives. Having our lives and health completely disregarded
by smokers, and by people, overall.  Since homeless have no place to go to get away

from smokers, it matters not where we go, because smokers are everywhere

and growing in numbers more and more.

If you need to go to the store for any necessity, smokers are right at the door, they stand

right outside the door, while their nasty habit fills the store and you are forced to walk through the
cloudy fumes of their habit, leaving it clinging to you…. I would love to live and be able to breathe
fresh, clean air…. But there is no clean fresh air, with so many smokers the world over.

Breathing becomes another challenge to endure. But just another day to endure on the streets.

So the toll of living on the streets is multi-fold. Everyday, the toll rises higher, and the challenges become
greater the longer you are forced to live without the substance of life. 

As Life becomes nothing more than a moot point of existence.

A Veteran of the Streets...

A Veteran of the Streets….

I am a long time veteran…. A veteran of living, or rather merely existing,

around the periphery of life. Due to physical challenges, I was never

allowed to serve in the military, but you do not need to serve in the

armed forces to become a veteran of life.

Though, instead of being honored for my service,

I’m repeatedly told my very presence is illegal. No one would

want the veteran status of living on the streets for decades.

It has long since stopped being days, or months, or even years….

Living Life on the streets has turned into decades, as I have been

forced to live in decades on the streets. Seen as an obtrusion to others,

and a threat, instead of a living, feeling, breathing being.

Anchors drifting in the sea of nowhere. The threads; the barest of threads

at that, fraying more with each passing moment. Life is viewed differently

when you are not part of society, but rather sitting, or in some cases, lying

around the seams of society… we are certainly treated

differently from being part of “regular” society.

I never set out to become a veteran of the streets.

But being readily and continually denied and refused

the services and assistance I need, has forced me to become one.

Much like the military veterans who are denied, year after endless year,

of all the services and assistance they need. So I know the battle of

endurance of going through this screwed up system, one that wants you to just

give up and quit. A lot have done just that. Suicides from veteran’s are

at an all time high, and a large portion of that is being denied their service

and help after returning from war. Not being listened to, not being heard,

being dismissed completely and just plain flat out ignored. It is the same when

your life is lived on the streets; no one wants to listen, you are not

considered “society”, and not clumped in the “Human” group.

But really, given the way the “Human” group acts and behaves….

It is really not a group I want to be part of. It is because of the “Human” group

that the services and assistance needed has been denied and refused.

It is because of the “Human” group that I have been forced to live my life

on the streets. It is because of the “Human” group that I have experienced

hundreds of bouts of food poisoning because of people’s gross non-hygienic

practices when preparing food for others, which some have done purposely.

And their practices have caused permanent damage through my digestive tract,

I am left paying the heavy, excruciating painful price of their actions.

So I am glad not to be associated with the “Human” group.

My veteran status should not be one anyone should be forced to endure

or become a part of. And like military veterans, those of us living out our

lives on the streets…. You lose hope and no longer look forward to life, in any regard.

Just serving your time until your time is up and you are sent “Home”, one way

or another. Being sentenced for a crime you never committed by this “Human” group.

It is truly sad that Veterans on the streets, and Veterans of life living on the

streets are treated in a similar manner. Our voices muted and covered up,

our experiences closer together than not. Experiencing the worst of the underside of this

“Human” group. Humanity…. Where has it gone to? Does it even exist?

When humanity turns their backs on those of us on the streets,

regardless of how we came to be out here, our stories start to mesh together,

blending and becoming a single story, where one starts and another

ends becomes one and can no longer be separated. Our battleground becomes

the streets, and the “Human” group wages war on us daily for the

very presence of our presence that the “Human” group imposed on us.

We live in a war zone all year long.

Being a veteran of life on the streets takes a

tremendous toll on your life, on your heart, on your mind….

And soon ... your body…. Denied the nourishment of life; Love.

So is it any wonder that no one forced to live on the streets, thrives?

How can one thrive when your very existence and mere presence is swept

under the rug; ignored, dismissed, and unwelcome?

Who thrives without nourishment? But that nourishment is kept from

us when life is cast out to lived on the streets. So instead of thriving,

we become hardened inside and out. While our insides corrode on the

deepest levels and seeps into the very core of our being.

Life on the streets changes

who you are as a person, from the inside out.

A Life in Ruins...

A Life In Ruins….

Life on the streets is a different life altogether. It’s a life that is not a life…..

a mere existence. A life without a real home, without the bare necessities,

without privacy, without friendships. There are no home cooked meals,

no hot showers or hot water, no connections, no substance.

Life literally becomes devoid of all meaning.

When you are denied a real physical residence, you are denied

your resident status, and no longer seen or viewed as a

resident of any place, nor a citizen, since not having a home

cancels out and negates your rights in every regard,

according to all the police officers telling you so in their "City Ordinances”.

You become a resident of everywhere, a citizen of nowhere…

A resident of life… Your very presence, you are told repeatedly, is “illegal”.

Just because of a circumstance you never chose, but forced to endure.

Never was there a time that I imagined to be living on the streets.

Never imagined I would have to spend a single night without a home…..

much less nearly two decades that I have been. Life and time changes

completely when your life is lived on the streets, especially when it was

never by choice, but paying the heavy price from the actions of others.

Time stands still, and becomes a single day that never ends,

like the worst Ground Day ever that becomes your recurrent

nightmare that you can never wake from.

Yet, years fly by without notice, what feels like minutes, at most.

Life…. The meaning of which is suspended, if there at all.

Finding meaning or purpose in life, when you are denied your existence….

.your rights, eliminated.

Because I have been denied real sleep, hot nutritious meals….

Hot water to bathe in; The excessive fluid build up and swelling

increases exponentially, and it has taken a harder toll on my digestive

tract and organs…. Being denied the sustaining force of life.

And it clouds my life, in every regard.

Added to the debris of life….. or the lack thereof.

This is truly the worst time to be alive. Being talked about

everywhere I go, being video taped and video monitored every damned

moment of every day. And now jerks taking to spying on me using

their drones, where they come right over, and hover directly above me,

watching my every move. That is truly unsettling having a

drone follow your every move even into the restroom,

while it circles the windows all around.

Just not a good time to be present. Makes for a very unpleasant

experience all around. Fully exposed and on public display 24/7….

constantly under surveillance, yet entirely non-existent

in terms of receiving assistance and companionship.

A life forced into the streets and the after affects of having to merely

exist along the seams of Humanity… Life disintegrating all around me…

the most damaging and harmful things on the planet; people.

The worst things I have ever encountered, with a few rare exceptions.

And my body bringing about an ever-greater devastation….

The valve that is supposed to hold and stop bladder leakage,

has stopped working entirely, if it has ever worked at all.

Now, it just releases whenever it chooses and I don’t know about it

until it is already mid-stream and I feel it spreading across and

down my legs…..and not to mention the excruciating burning

that has taken pain to an all new level that is truly life destroying.

I cannot absorb this pain…. It grossly interferes with every

aspect of my life, including every breath I take.

Life is interfering with living.

Birthday Reflections ... 2017

Birthday Echoes….

Reflections of Life on the Streets

Another birthday today, August 15^th …Mine. Marking this my 16^th one on the streets.

Being put out on the streets just a couple weeks after my birthday on September 1, 2000...
so this is Heading into my 17^th year of life living, or rather merely existing along the seams
of humanity, on the streets, and this Holiday Season of 2017 will mark my 18^th one

having to it endure it on the streets, once more.

Another birthday, more echoes from the past.  And this past year

has been one of the roughest I have endured, especially in terms physically.

It’s just another day on the streets, though, and wondering if it is a day

that has ever actually meant anything. 

This year has been much harder to contend with because of the

excessively excruciating deep burning that continually sears through my chest

as though I have swallowed gasoline followed by a lit match, while scalding liquid

is poured down my throat and hot coals placed down my chest as a flame thrower shoots up

and scorches through my digestive tract from my stomach.  That is a direct result of employees'

actions from not using proper hygiene when making and preparing other people’s food,

who have no other option for eating other than prepared foods because there is no kitchen

to make, prepare, cook and store your own foods, so you have to rely on the food prep done by others.

Never knowing if the preparer practices good hand washing

before making food for others.  But more often than not, that is not the case,

as I have literally seen dozens of employees returning to work after using the restroom….

And never touch the sink to wash their hands.

Adding more insult to injury.  Nearly half my life has been lived on the streets….

and it is truly no way to live.  Your life becomes meaningless, and purposeless.  Living in extreme

pain 24/7 beats the hell out of you, while life itself takes cares of the rest. 

A Birthday is supposed to be a “Celebration of Life”, but this is not a life to celebrate,

not in the truest sense of that meaning.  Really hard to find much of anything to celebrate,

much less a day that marks a birth that was never welcome to begin with. 

My Birthday Wish…..

just something I can no longer even dream about; a Real Home. 

Something that offers warmth, comfort, security, peace of mind and

most important… PRIVACY.  When your life is lived on the streets, makes no difference how

you got there, you find privacy is a cruel joke.  It does not exist when your life is lived in public, 24/7. 

And it matters not what you need to do, it is all viewed on the biggest networks on the planet.

So my birthday wish…. A Life that Matters, a Purpose and Meaning to my existence that extends

beyond the streets where my life has been delegated to for an indefinite sentence all because I

refused to “service” a despicable landlord who forced me onto the streets

by and through his illegal actions.

Because Life Happens...

Because Life Happens….

I find myself forced to live on the streets…..Because Life Happens.

Plans go by the wayside, and time and again, Life happens…. And

interferes and gets in the way of living.

Because Life happens, it loses meaning and has no

purpose to any of it. I still expect to

receive any of the promises of life we were promised in God’s word,

the Bible….such as; “I Have Plans for

Your Life to be Prosperous and not Harm You”.

Still waiting for that promise to be kept. Because Life Happens….

Life has been very Harmful, Devastating, Ugly…..

Because Life Happens…. Life has been overall unpleasant.

Because Life Happens… people are readily denied the services

and assistance they need. Because Life Happens,

Wars are an ever-present presence in our lives. Because Life Happens….

Death is all around us. Because Life happens….Life is what it is.

Because Life happens….. people are forced to live their life,

or rather, their merest existence, on the streets…. I was given a life sentence

by and through the illegal actions of others. Memories the body remembers,

even when you do not want to remember. Because Life Happens….

Your body never forgets. It remembers in pain, and never lets you or allows you to forget. 

Because Life Happens…. Things happen that are completely out of our control...

We have Regrets, We become Nostalgic, We Consume, We make Mistakes,

We Measure Time, We Compare, We Compete, We Learn, We Grow. 

Because Life Happens… Life is as it is. Because Life happens….

We BREATHE, We Live, We Love, We Grieve, We Hope,

We Die….. All Because Life Happens.

Relief From Summer's Heat...

Relief From Summer’s Heat…

Living on the Streets

When your life is delegated to the streets,

as a permanent residence,

finding relief from Winter’s Grip and Summer’s excessive heat

become real challenges as we do not have homes to go to to

get out of it. You learn to become resilient, self-reliant,

and adaptable in order to live, BREATHE, and continue

to move forward, in whatever capacity that may be.

Being forced to live on the streets for so long, I cannot

weigh which is worse, trying to find cooling relief

in the sizzling heat of Summer,

or some warmth in the freezing Winter. Both of which offer

up a host of challenges to contend with. But it is much easier

to find warmth, than it is to cool off in the excessive heat,

which you find impossible.

Just some of the challenges the excessive heat poses to

those of us without homes; movement and breathing are

the ones hardest hit with the heat. As the heat becomes

more like living on the inside of an oven left on all

day at 500* degree temperatures, it makes it harder to breathe,

and move about, because the heat is so very draining and exhaustive.

But allows for better movement in the body, as it loosens the joints.

Though, it has a nasty tendency to cause fluid build-up

and swelling through your extremities,

which makes it more challenging to move.

Waves upon waves of heat flows over you like an ocean.

The pressure of the heat has a heaviness that cooler weather does not.

The air feels much heavier in the exhaustive heat of Summer than in Winter,

where the air is crisp and easier to breathe. In the Summer,

the heat feels like a thick blanketed shawl wrapped tightly

around your body, while the cooler temperatures of Winter

releases heat and the air is much lighter and freer.

But the cold temperatures make it harder to

move through your joints, because they

become tight and stiff in the cold air.

Having to use the restroom, especially during the night,

is much more difficult in the Summer’s heat, due to the

damp/soaked clothing from perspiring so much, whereas in the

Winter, your clothes slide easily off to change or

use the restroom.

Getting any rest during the Summer heat is a real challenge,

since the nights do not cool off much, if any.

And when you are too hot, sleep just doesn't happen, or if it does,

very restless and leaves you even more tired come morning.

The heat drains you of all your energy and leaves you feeling listless.

Food storage is nonexistent in the high heat of Summer.

Food doesn't keep in the heat. Fruit and produce goes

bad in just minutes, while in Winter…. It will last a little while,

allowing you to get to it while it is still good. You end up wasting

what little money you have on food, only to find it no good

just shortly after purchase because of the heat.

And being on the streets, you do not have a safe place to store,

prepare and cook foods. You have to rely on what is

already made, and then you have to consume it immediately,

or you might as well dump your money in the trash,

because that is where the food goes.

The worst thing about having to live on the streets,

especially during the hot summer months,

are the insects that come out en mass when it is warm.

Things you have never seen before, or read about,

but find them assaulting you day-in, day-out.

and coming out really heavy starting in the early evening,

swarming you through the night, and slightly

lessening through the morning to mid-afternoon.

On the plus side, though… I am so grateful to be on the streets

here in the Bay Area, where the winds are cleaner

(that is unless smokers are around, making it

impossible to breathe anything akin to clean, fresh air),

and not the harsh, rough, highly abrasive sand

papery air that the desert air is.

Desert air always feels like moving and breathing

through liquid sand paper at every moment,

not to mention living inside of a furnace.

And the summer heat is a few degrees cooler…

Being on the streets could be worse, if I were not

residing everywhere and nowhere

here in the San Francisco Bay Area.