Disillusionment of Life....

Disillusionment of Life….

Life….. the illusion continues.

They say we “are living the dream within a dream”.

Well, my life has been anything but a “dream”.

A brutal nightmarish hell, definitely….. a dream?

No. Only a very bad dream…. One that I have never been able to wake from.

Wondering what is going on in my parallel lives. Feels the same.

Feels like I have been living the exact same lifetime, over and over and over again….

And that is where the dis-allusion of life comes about---- living the same lifetime,

over and over and over without end, for eternity.

It wasn’t good the first several thousand times, so why does

the same horror show keep repeating in my life????

So ready to be done with it once and for all.

Illusions, Allusions, Dreams…..

So what is the point of Life?!

If life is but a Dream, albeit a very bad dream, why bother?

The devastation of life on the streets…

I cannot even begin to convey what you have to deal

and contend with living on the streets, as it goes much deeper than

not being able to eat properly, or regularly…

goes way beyond being constantly video-monitored and watched 24/7,

deeper than not having any privacy whatsoever to do your most private,

intimate things in public every moment….

It goes Much deeper.

Insects that you only ever found in expired cereals and rice…

becoming more and more frequent visitors to your mornings….

Devastating your heart…. Wondering how much further life could pull

and drag you down into depths you can never reach.

You learn living on the streets brings about the most unexpected

things into your life at any moment. And your body, heart, and soul

quickly adapting to even the most hellish of experiences,

no matter what that may be.

Blessed...

Blessed…

I am truly blessed.  Homeless,

 I don’t have a home, a bed, a kitchen,

a bathroom, and I live one the streets, but I am Blessed.

I am blessed to have access to the libraries

all around and the ability to check out materials with an

endless assortment of books to choose from, the use of computers,

scanner and printers…. I am Blessed.

I am Blessed to respect myself enough to not be “seen” as Homeless,

and then denied and refused assistance because I do not fit the part;

I do not look, smell, act or behave as a homeless person is scripted to be by society.

I am Blessed to share my days and nights with my furry and feathered friends,

my confidants and co-conspirators who nourish my heart and life like nothing else can.

I am Blessed to have a body that continues to carry the burden of life on the streets.

No, this isn’t the life I planned, but I am truly Blessed.

I am witness to Nature’s unfolding while watching the incredible sunsets and sunrises,

most mornings and evenings. Watching the colors being stroked across the skies

with the most perfect colors and brushes that bring the brilliance to the forefront,

which is breathtaking and immersive. Being present every moment,

feeling everything, seeing everything; becoming a part of the landscape in the truest sense…

blending in so fully and completely, you become invisible to society but fully

embraced by Nature and Her incredibly beautiful creatures that fill my life.

Counting Blessings everyday…

Though, most of time, it is the hardest challenge I have in my life,

finding those precious gems.

Empty Remains

~ Empty Remains ~

Deep in the darkness my heart still sees

the shadows of night, portrayed

within the memories of the past...

Impressions reflected, bequeathed by shadows,

mirrored by deceptions, covered in pain--

In the realms of the mind;

The mirror of the soul--

Through the depths of frustration,

in the midst of anger--

Silent tears burning deep inside,

emptying the soul, feelings drained,

devoid of spirit, depleted in strength--

The remains of laughter

long forgotten with shadows

of pain taking its place.

The essence of being no longer present--

Buried within, layer upon layer.

Shadows forsaken

in the minds' collection,

hollowed through by spoken silence--

Speaking louder then the

sound of words... Merely voiced--

Constricting silence binding the soul,

in draining confusion, betrayals of trust.

The depths of silence sears the soul,

in wakes of abandon,

caressing softly whispers of the spirit.

By

Renee Bowen