Friday, January 20, 2017

The Toll of Living on the Streets...



The Toll of the Streets….




When your life is lived on the streets, the longer you are forced to live outside,

the harder the toll it takes on you, especially in terms physically.

Living on the streets exposes you to everything and

everyone, even when your very presence is unwelcome.

Aside from not being able to eat properly;

(as real meals are a rarity that becomes a treasured morsel when you do have

a real meal to eat)  the three most pressing things that take the

hardest toll on you on the streets; the weather, battling an endless array of insects,

and the attitudes and treatment from people deciding that we warrant their

ugliness due to a circumstance we didn't choose.



Life on the streets; most people never consider what it is actually like

having to live your life, every facet of your life, on the streets.

But when you are outside 24/7, you don’t get a break from the weather.

And even more so having to contend with the stormy weather; high winds,

heavy rains, stormy weather filled with misery

and having no place to really protect yourself from any of it.

It is like being in the boxing ring with a hundred fighters,

pummeling you, over and over and over….. when the harsh rains and heavy

winds finally ease back, you literally feel as though not only

were you beat to hell by it all, but like you have been run over

by a steam roller, going back and forth, slowly crushing you first

from one end, then to the other, then being hit by and run over by

a large truck. It tears you up having no choice but to endure

and experience Mother Nature at Her worst.



One of my main areas I stay in, well, actually one of the spots

I have found for the night, where I have been staying for quite some time,

is no longer available due to Mother Nature’s fury.

When I left my “spot” earlier in the day, the tree I was under was

still up and still standing, but on my return; the same tree was downed

directly where I had been. Just glad I was not there when it happened.



Another thing people never consider for those of us having

to live on the streets and battle the weather,

is our areas get flooded out, frozen over, and trees come down all around you,

or directly in your path that held your presence just a brief time earlier.

This is certainly not the first time having to move by force of Nature.

One of the many hazards of having to live outside.

There is a long list of contenders fighting for attention.

Living on the streets turns into how to survive this thing called LIFE,

that is more of a cruel joke than anything else, when that very life is lived on the streets.

The hazards of streets life….

Oh let me count (some of) the ways;



* Weather in every extreme....from the baking heat of Summer to the

freezing temperatures of Winter with Heavy rains, pummeling hail,

harsh, crushing winds that bring about downed trees, downed power lines,

flooded areas making it impossible to get where you need to go,

frozen ground, frost covered ground, icy patches that bring you

crashing to the ground, an endless assortment of insects

that only come out through and during the night;

as they seek you out for dinner... and lunch… and breakfast, along with

anytime in between, leaving their marks on your person;

The muck and mire of street life.

Winter is truly the worst time having to live on the streets.

During the warmer months, it is easier to move around,

but the heat makes it more challenging to breathe,

while the colder temperatures are much more challenging to move in

and around, but the air is easier to breathe.



* No regular meals, no ready access to facilities to use for

waste disposal (finding a restroom) or clean up.



* Being assaulted and consumed, night after endless night by insects.



* Nowhere to be but not allowed wherever you are.



* Holidays – as this limits transit, if it runs at all, and

makes clean up and waste disposal (trying to find a restroom)

an even greater adventure, since every place is closed.

And clean up is always under icy cold water to wash your face

and body, and hair. Clean up in cold weather, is really hard to endure,

adding the icy temps of the icy cold water, mixed with the icy, cold, biting air.



* Finding some place to wash clothes, which usually ends up being

a park sink filled with cold, icy water. Then drying is done by blanketing

bushes and stringing line or cord between trees or poles to lay some clothes

over like a clothes line. It works OK, unless the weather is always wet and soggy.



* Finding yourself covered in people’s nasty habits; chewed gum, spit,

junk from smokers, chewed tobacco, eliminating wherever they choose….

and their pets eliminations they refuse to pick up after, And Nature itself….

Insects. Just to name a few.



* During the day, unless it is a Holiday, you can usually find

some place to go for a little while, but come evening, there is no place to go.

Everything and every place shuts down for the night.

Aside from some Safeways that are open 24/7, you cannot always rely

on having that to go to through the night.




Survival mode becomes your default setting every moment of the day,

and all through the night. A mode you find has no turn off switch.

On guard all the time. But being outside is much safer than any so-called “shelter”.

Not to mention, you have no privacy. The thing about shelters that people

fail to understand is you cannot just “go to a shelter”. It does not work that way.

You have to literally make an appointment several weeks, or months well in

advance to do an “intake”. They won’t let you just walk in anytime

because the weather is bad. If you have not had an “intake” taken, they

shut the door in your face, and tell you to call in a few weeks. Yet, how

are you supposed to call? Even when you are able to find a way to call, you are

repeatedly told to keep calling back, because they have no room. So you are

stuck in the cycle, and going in circles, only to keep

ending up right where you were.


Saturday, December 24, 2016

Christmas....2016




~ Christmas 2016~




Christmas no longer feels like Christmas. This year, especially, 

the feel of Christmas is missing. I don’t know whether it has something 

to do with this being my 17th one Spent alone on the streets, or the air

that is usually festive and filled with good cheer and the air filled 

with the vibrancy of it all…. For some reason, the air doesn't

 have that feel to it at all this year. If anything, it has become 

quieter all around. I have to be reminded, sometimes by myself, 

sometimes by others, that it is Christmas. To me, it is nothing 

more than another day on the streets, a day that is more challenging 

to find some place to clean up, since it is a Holiday, and every place is closed. 

It is really hard to get excited about Christmas, Holidays, or any day

for that matter when you have no one to share them with. 

Another Christmas where I will be in the park surrounded by a 

good stack of library books for company….. 

 and my furry and feathered friends.



I spent the first several years of the Holidays that I was 

on the streets, volunteering at various organizations, shelters, 

soup kitchens and so forth…. But it just drained my energy. 

 I have found more and more that I am not energized around 

people, especially when it is around large crowds, but just the opposite. 

Being torn down by others because of the way I move... 

It brings me down. I so wish that those who choose to show 

me all their ugliness could experience the excruciating pain 

that I live with every moment of my life. Know what it feels like 

to feel like your knees are being hack-sawed with every step, 

along with the feeling of an axe being swung through your 

legs at varying angles, to feel the constant jerking and spasms, 

all day and all through the night from your hips to the bottoms of your feet;

To experience the constant heavy fluid build-up and swelling 

that fills my legs from mid-thigh down to my toes; 

To actually feel the effects from others’ actions against you, 

when you are on the receiving end of verbal abuse and violent behaviors.



So after several years of giving my time and love, I no longer 


volunteer during the Holidays. Instead, books and animals

 fill my heart and soul during the Holidays, in a way that 

people never have. Being on the streets for so long….. 

you literally become trapped and find the more you try to escape, 

the deeper you are pulled in. Kind of like those mirror 

mazes at theme parks, everywhere you turn, you find yourself 

going in endless circles, and coming back to where you started.



The toll being homeless takes on you; physically, mentally, spiritually…. 

Should be what the most violent offenders’ sentences should be. 

 Instead, we are the ones to suffer from their actions, 

while they receive free meals, a bed, a roof, tv….

And they pay nothing.



When you are forced to live the merest existence on the streets, 

you find it a real challenge to get excited about

 anything, really. Much less when the Holidays roll around. 

It becomes a very depressing time of year, and you get sucked 

down into depths you could never have imagined.



Memories fade into the well where dreams are stored….

 No longer seem real. The feelings are no longer there. Just images. 

 You wonder if it really happened or if it is just images of your mind.

 Is your mind playing tricks on you, or it is just a cruel joke 

being played by the mind? It’s like my life has been swallowed 

whole within a Black Hole. Just being on the streets is challenging enough,

without adding bad weather to the mix….then to have to contend with 

Mother Nature’s fury, Her moods changing constantly…

When you live on the streets, you really come to dread bad weather;

 especially the heavy rains and hard winds. But living and barely

 existing on the streets during bad weather, you and your bags 

stay wet long after the rains have subsided.



This is by far The Worst Christmas I have ever experienced.

 Especially in physical terms. The physical pain I am forced to 

endure is so far off the charts, it is interfering with everything I do, 

including breathing. The list is too long to go into, but the worst is the

 extreme burning that is fully consuming and continually tearing me

 up and ripping me apart every moment, knows no ends. The searing pain 

that goes from the back of my throat, down my chest and through 

my stomach has been going on for several years now.



 Nothing has given even the slightest bit of relief. Seems another life 

sentence has been tacked on to my life, adding more pain to endure. 

 Because of the rest just wasn't enough…



I have never experienced a pain-free day in my life. 

 There have been a few moments along the way where it was 

not as intense, not as draining, not as life destroying…. 

But it has never gone away completely. Looking forward to 

putting this horrendous year behind me. I cannot say I am

 looking forward to another year…. But looking forward to it not being

 as bad as this one has been. I have experienced a LOT 

having to live on the streets, and I truly wish I had a memory 

that could just erase it all. Instead, I have a memory 

that remembers it all, only all too well.



Friends and family…..what does that truly mean when 

you live on the streets? Both become non-existent in your life. 

 And nowhere is this more clearly presented than when you are 

forced to exist on the streets. Friends and Family, nothing but 

cruel words spoken to those having to live on the streets. 

 If they were present in your life, you would not be on the streets.

 You would never have had to spent a single night outside, 

without protection, without the safety of a home…. 

Much less, nearly 2 solid decades.

Christmas is just another day of endurance on the streets.