Christmas....2016

~ Christmas 2016~

Christmas no longer feels like Christmas. This year, especially, 

the feel of Christmas is missing. I don’t know whether it has something 

to do with this being my 17^th one Spent alone on the streets, or the air
, 
that is usually festive and filled with good cheer and the air filled 

with the vibrancy of it all…. For some reason, the air doesn't

 have that feel to it at all this year. If anything, it has become 

quieter all around. I have to be reminded, sometimes by myself, 

sometimes by others, that it is Christmas. To me, it is nothing 

more than another day on the streets, a day that is more challenging 

to find some place to clean up, since it is a Holiday, and every place is closed. 

It is really hard to get excited about Christmas, Holidays, or any day, 

for that matter when you have no one to share them with. 

Another Christmas where I will be in the park surrounded by a 

good stack of library books for company….. 

 and my furry and feathered friends.

I spent the first several years of the Holidays that I was 

on the streets, volunteering at various organizations, shelters, 

soup kitchens and so forth…. But it just drained my energy. 

 I have found more and more that I am not energized around 

people, especially when it is around large crowds, but just the opposite. 

Being torn down by others because of the way I move... 

It brings me down. I so wish that those who choose to show 

me all their ugliness could experience the excruciating pain 

that I live with every moment of my life. Know what it feels like 

to feel like your knees are being hack-sawed with every step, 

along with the feeling of an axe being swung through your 

legs at varying angles, to feel the constant jerking and spasms, 

all day and all through the night from your hips to the bottoms of your feet;

To experience the constant heavy fluid build-up and swelling 

that fills my legs from mid-thigh down to my toes; 

To actually feel the effects from others’ actions against you, 

when you are on the receiving end of verbal abuse and violent behaviors.

So after several years of giving my time and love, I no longer 

volunteer during the Holidays. Instead, books and animals

 fill my heart and soul during the Holidays, in a way that 

people never have. Being on the streets for so long….. 

you literally become trapped and find the more you try to escape, 

the deeper you are pulled in. Kind of like those mirror 

mazes at theme parks, everywhere you turn, you find yourself 

going in endless circles, and coming back to where you started.

The toll being homeless takes on you; physically, mentally, spiritually…. 

Should be what the most violent offenders’ sentences should be. 

 Instead, we are the ones to suffer from their actions, 

while they receive free meals, a bed, a roof, tv….

And they pay nothing.

When you are forced to live the merest existence on the streets, 

you find it a real challenge to get excited about

 anything, really. Much less when the Holidays roll around. 

It becomes a very depressing time of year, and you get sucked 

down into depths you could never have imagined.

Memories fade into the well where dreams are stored….

 No longer seem real. The feelings are no longer there. Just images. 

 You wonder if it really happened or if it is just images of your mind.

 Is your mind playing tricks on you, or it is just a cruel joke 

being played by the mind? It’s like my life has been swallowed 

whole within a Black Hole. Just being on the streets is challenging enough,

without adding bad weather to the mix….then to have to contend with 

Mother Nature’s fury, Her moods changing constantly…. 

When you live on the streets, you really come to dread bad weather;

 especially the heavy rains and hard winds. But living and barely

 existing on the streets during bad weather, you and your bags 

stay wet long after the rains have subsided.

This is by far The Worst Christmas I have ever experienced.

 Especially in physical terms. The physical pain I am forced to 

endure is so far off the charts, it is interfering with everything I do, 

including breathing. The list is too long to go into, but the worst is the

 extreme burning that is fully consuming and continually tearing me

 up and ripping me apart every moment, knows no ends. The searing pain 

that goes from the back of my throat, down my chest and through 

my stomach has been going on for several years now.



 Nothing has given even the slightest bit of relief. Seems another life 

sentence has been tacked on to my life, adding more pain to endure. 

 Because of the rest just wasn't enough…

I have never experienced a pain-free day in my life. 

 There have been a few moments along the way where it was 

not as intense, not as draining, not as life destroying…. 

But it has never gone away completely. Looking forward to 

putting this horrendous year behind me. I cannot say I am

 looking forward to another year…. But looking forward to it not being

 as bad as this one has been. I have experienced a LOT 

having to live on the streets, and I truly wish I had a memory 

that could just erase it all. Instead, I have a memory 

that remembers it all, only all too well.

Friends and family…..what does that truly mean when 

you live on the streets? Both become non-existent in your life. 

 And nowhere is this more clearly presented than when you are 

forced to exist on the streets. Friends and Family, nothing but 

cruel words spoken to those having to live on the streets. 

 If they were present in your life, you would not be on the streets.

 You would never have had to spent a single night outside, 

without protection, without the safety of a home…. 

Much less, nearly 2 solid decades.

Christmas is just another day of endurance on the streets.