Life
Happens....
Life
happens..... some good, some very, very bad. And sometimes, things
fall in between.
I
often wonder what my life would have been like if I had been welcome,
instead of discarded.
Having
a life that actually matters, one that I was wanted right from the
start.... but life,
my
life, did not start that way. Just the opposite. My life never
should have been, my
birth
should have never happened. But unfortunately, it did, and I am left
forever
picking
up the pieces left behind and discarded since. I know people
(Mistakenly
believing we were friends, only to find I was nothing more than
a
circumstance to them) whose lives have been deeply blessed every
step of the way....
having
multiple homes in different countries, travel the world over, many
times over,
spending
weeks and months on end at various places.
Their
kids literally growing up on airplanes.
And
then there are ones like me...... my life could not be more
different in contrast.
Blessed
rarely, having more bad luck than anything else in life. What would
life have
been
like if I had been treated as a friend, on a personal level, instead
of just the
debris
cast to the wayside and seen as only a circumstance and not a living,
breathing,
feeling person???? How different would things be?
Would
life hold any meaning? Would I want to be here???
Would
life hold joy and love????
Things
that have never been a part of my life that I can ever recall,
not
in any meaningful way. Having a life where you are never once
accepted
for
who you are, as you are, not welcome wherever you go. I am making
the best of a
bad
situation I was forced into, time and again.
And
no matter what I do, I am criticized, ridiculed, made fun of, laughed
at., mocked.
And
I wonder, time and again, why am I here??? To serve what purpose?
A
Life punishment..... living on the streets, my life..... so really,
what is the point?
Being
sentenced for a crime you never committed.
I
have died a million times over on the streets, and died a different
kind of death
when
I was forced to live my life on the streets. With a body that has
continually and
completely
turned against itself at every moment of my life, a life that is not
worth the
mere
existence it has become. My life and body has always felt like a
cruel Joke of the
Universe,
straight from God. A punishing curse than anything to cherish and be
truly
grateful
for. Living in excruciating pain every day of my life, my body never
once working
like
it is “supposed” to. Never once functioned like the books say it
should. It does its own
thing
with little regard to being attached to me. And the endless pain and
grief that it has
wrought
in its wake. Living in pain, barely existing around the edges of
life...
Never
once did I ever think or believe my life would be taken from me,
eviscerated
of
all that matters, then cast to the debris left behind in Humanity's
wake.
But
having spent nearly half my life, in the barest form of existence, on
the streets....
life
has changed in every way, means something entirely different when it
is lived without a home,
or
the comforts and security that affords. Time shifts, changes, and
morphs into extending without end.
Days go by without realizing one
has changed into the next..... years flash by without warning.
Time
is lost track of, brought back, and lost again. Dates have no
meaning,
as
one is the same as the next, and the ones before.
The
context of life takes on different textures and feels on the streets,
that cannot be
experienced
anywhere else. Life tastes different, looks different, feels
different on the streets.
It
changes you in ways you could never dream of, seeps so deeply and
indelibly in and
through
your entire being, and every cell and atom in your body.
Changes
you in ways that cannot be erased.
Images
burned into your vision that cannot be changed.
Experiencing
things in life that would make the most hardened criminal flinch,
and
yet it becomes second nature to those of us living without a home.
It
is truly amazing what your body and mind become used to, just by
being
exposed
to, it time and again. And it becomes part of your life, and who you
are as a person.
Living
on the streets changes how you approach life, how you react, what you
do...
in
every way. It changes how you breathe, how you eat, how you sleep,
how you clean up.
There
is no part of your life unchanged from life on the streets.
Life
on the Streets.... Detracts from Living.
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