The Carbon Copy Life...

~ The Carbon Copy Life ~

A Life on the Streets...

Life on the streets becomes more of a Carbon Copy of a life, 

Xeroxing copy after copy, day after day, night after night, week after 

week, month after month..... and year after endless year, that 

diminishes a little more after the next copy made, rather 

than a true life of any substance.

The colors, that were once vibrant and alive, now faded like a photo

or article of clothing being left out too long in the sun.

Once you are caught in the Vortex of Street life...

the light at the end of the tunnel has disappeared entirely and 

covered over by the debris of life, where living becomes your next 

breath, next step, next morsel of food, next place of rest....

Living in a dreamland of nightmares that you can never wake from.

I have found that life is not about getting what you want, or what you need, 

it's about destroying who you are and continually taking away from you.

Leaving you depleted and raw, while at the same time, hardened

around the edges and cutting you to the core.

You wonder, time again, why am I here??? To serve what purpose?

What is the point of “life” when you are denied every aspect of life?

Going around in circles, getting nowhere. Each path brings you back 

to where you were, like being stuck perpetually on the hamster wheel, and

no matter how hard you train, run and condition..... you find it matters not

because it is all a moot point, that is taking you nowhere.

Is there a point to it all??? When life was being dished out, I must have not 

been paying attention to the line I got in. Right from the start, I missed 

the line I was supposed to be in. So each and every turn I have taken in 

life has been all wrong. No matter which direction or path I have gone down, 

nothing about it has ever been right, has ever worked out like it should have.

Nothing good has ever really come from taking this path, or that direction.

I have heard rumors that life was supposed to be fun and joyous.... where is this?

Not in any place I have ever been, not in any experience I have lived through.

I have seen good, from a distance.... I have witnessed the rawness of life in 

every regard. I have seen the bad, experienced the worst life has to offer,

and yet I continue to push forward and take another breath, and step in

more directions. The rhythm of life is always present, whether you are

experiencing the good, the bad, or something in between....

life cycles through. I have just never liked being part of that cycle,

not in terms of life that I have been here to live, if one could really call living and 

merely existing along the seams and edges of society truly a “life”. Living on the

streets, you are not part of the whole, even though we are all “connected”, 

there is little to no connection in the truest sense. For example, if and when

anything happens; which it has and does on a regular basis, I have no one to call, 

no one to be there, no one to listen. Just to have someone there to check

in on you, see how you are.... but the only ones who “check” on me,

are always the cops, usually after someone has

called in on me for just being present.

The only one I have ever truly had to talk to is my notebook... it is always

there for me, and I unleash it all to it. Once I have released all the build up,

it opens me to more of life, in whatever capacity that life may be. Writing has

always been and continues to be my outlet for LIFE.... and all that happens in it.

Everything I experience, everything I go through, is penned or keyed until it is

no longer pressing so hard to be released, in some form or another.

Also, reading is another drug of choice that allows and affords me to release,

but in a different way. I cannot read without always learning something

along the way, through the measure of words. So reading is not a mindless

activity for me, as some read to do. It brings ideas and thoughts

more to life, and add to my own.

But both, reading and writing, give me the ability to process this thing

called life my way... and in the end, that is really all it is about.

Process life in a way that you can bring substance to.

Life Happens...

Life Happens....

Life happens..... some good, some very, very bad. And sometimes, things fall in between.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had been welcome, instead of discarded.

Having a life that actually matters, one that I was wanted right from the start.... but life,

my life, did not start that way. Just the opposite. My life never should have been, my

birth should have never happened. But unfortunately, it did, and I am left forever

picking up the pieces left behind and discarded since. I know people

(Mistakenly believing we were friends, only to find I was nothing more than

a circumstance to them) whose lives have been deeply blessed every step of the way....

having multiple homes in different countries, travel the world over, many times over,

spending weeks and months on end at various places.

Their kids literally growing up on airplanes.

And then there are ones like me...... my life could not be more different in contrast.

Blessed rarely, having more bad luck than anything else in life. What would life have

been like if I had been treated as a friend, on a personal level, instead of just the

debris cast to the wayside and seen as only a circumstance and not a living,

breathing, feeling person???? How different would things be?

Would life hold any meaning? Would I want to be here???

Would life hold joy and love????

Things that have never been a part of my life that I can ever recall,

not in any meaningful way. Having a life where you are never once accepted

for who you are, as you are, not welcome wherever you go. I am making the best of a

bad situation I was forced into, time and again.

And no matter what I do, I am criticized, ridiculed, made fun of, laughed at., mocked.

And I wonder, time and again, why am I here??? To serve what purpose?

A Life punishment..... living on the streets, my life..... so really, what is the point?

Being sentenced for a crime you never committed.

I have died a million times over on the streets, and died a different kind of death

when I was forced to live my life on the streets. With a body that has continually and

completely turned against itself at every moment of my life, a life that is not worth the

mere existence it has become. My life and body has always felt like a cruel Joke of the

Universe, straight from God. A punishing curse than anything to cherish and be truly

grateful for. Living in excruciating pain every day of my life, my body never once working

like it is “supposed” to. Never once functioned like the books say it should. It does its own

thing with little regard to being attached to me. And the endless pain and grief that it has

wrought in its wake. Living in pain, barely existing around the edges of life...

Never once did I ever think or believe my life would be taken from me, eviscerated

of all that matters, then cast to the debris left behind in Humanity's wake.

But having spent nearly half my life, in the barest form of existence, on the streets....

life has changed in every way, means something entirely different when it is lived without a home,

or the comforts and security that affords. Time shifts, changes, and morphs into extending without end. 

 Days go by without realizing one has changed into the next..... years flash by without warning.

Time is lost track of, brought back, and lost again. Dates have no meaning,

as one is the same as the next, and the ones before.

The context of life takes on different textures and feels on the streets, that cannot be

experienced anywhere else. Life tastes different, looks different, feels different on the streets.

It changes you in ways you could never dream of, seeps so deeply and indelibly in and

through your entire being, and every cell and atom in your body.

Changes you in ways that cannot be erased.

Images burned into your vision that cannot be changed.

Experiencing things in life that would make the most hardened criminal flinch,

and yet it becomes second nature to those of us living without a home.

It is truly amazing what your body and mind become used to, just by being

exposed to, it time and again. And it becomes part of your life, and who you are as a person.

Living on the streets changes how you approach life, how you react, what you do...

in every way. It changes how you breathe, how you eat, how you sleep, how you clean up.

There is no part of your life unchanged from life on the streets.

Life on the Streets.... Detracts from Living.

Humanity's Shadow...

Humanity's Shadow

When your life is lived on the streets, you literally

become Humanity's Shadow...

living under, or rather merely existing through, shadows 

of color faded after being left out too long in the sun.

You don't know what it's like living under humanity's shadow... 

not being seen or treated as part of society, 

never brought into the folds of friendship.... most, if not all,

interactions are surface level only, nothing of substance.

Because people are afraid of those living on the streets,

we're not invited to be part of life.

Living on the streets puts you in hyper-survival mode. 

Your life centers on finding food, shelter, and places to clean up. 

Living on the streets means dealing with life in its rawest form.

Without a filter...

Subjected to things no one should be, and witness to

things that should never be seen. Living without being seen...

at least not in any meaningful way. Merely existing in and through the 

shadows of life, and under the shadows of humanity.

The cost living is exponentially high, especially more so in the

state of California, where the cost of living is not only exponentially 

higher than any place else in the nation, is it also cost prohibitive 

when forced to live life on the streets. Paying excessive taxes, 

which are taxed and those taxes are heavily taxed.

Making it impossible to live with any measure of comfort.

Compromising our lives even more, and the negative effects that

result from other people imposing their wills on everyone else's lives.... 

how we will “live”, what we can do, and where we can do things., 

has had and continues to have very negative consequences

in every aspect of our lives

Further hardships imposed on those in the state of California makes

living on the street, living in the state.... unlivable, untenable. 

Especially with the laws that have a direct negative impact on our lives;

living without a home, like the plastic bag ban, where not only 

have prices increased exponentially, making life even more of a 

challenge on the streets, even more so in terms of obtaining 

food and supplies, but taking away what we need to carry our 

purchases from the stores and restaurants and then charging us 

for the “privilege” of carrying out our food, and other purchases

from the places of business... because paying for the purchases

are not enough, we are charged 

more to carry them out of the store and restaurants....

Taking away plastic bags has a detrimental affect for those of us 

having to live on the streets. Now, instead of the protection the bags 

offered to keep our things and food dry, our stuff is damaged from

being in direct contact with the elements of rain and wind, and 

we no longer have a way to keep our food dry.

So we end up wasting what little funds we have on food 

that can no longer be eaten before it is destroyed by the weather. 

California laws have made life on the streets impossible to endure.

We are the ones most affected by all the laws imposed on the state, as it

has a very direct, very negative impact on our lives, health and safety.

Now, going into any grocery store, retail place of business, 

or any and all food places.... we are forced to take in and use our

own bags sold to us to carry out our purchases of foods, and necessities,

putting that much more of a burden on an already heavy

burden of being forced to live without a home 24/7. Then the costs of

everything has risen so far out of control, even getting the barest necessities

is a real hardship, the challenges the extremely high costs

of everything.... makes living more of a luxury, than the

necessary thing it is.

Barely existing because law makers insist on making life in 

California a place where no one can actually live. And that is no

way to live. Having to live on the streets is no way to live....

barely existing, struggling to just survive is not a life.

But then, living on the streets, and taking your already burdened

bags into the stores or restaurants, you are accused of stealing....

because of your bags and burden carried inside.

So it is no-win all around.

Nearly half my life has been lived on the streets...and it is a life 

that encompasses everything I do. I Breathe Street life, I eat Street life,

I dream Street life..... it has literally overtaken and overshadowed every 

aspect of my life, in every way, shape and form.

What I eat, when I eat, where I eat and how I eat.... when I sleep,

where I sleep, how I sleep; is all dictated by circumstance

not of my choosing... compounded so much more by the extremely

high rising costs of life in the state. And when you have little or no 

means to purchase that life....

the quality of life becomes non-existent. There is no quality of life

on the streets, you become the very landscape

around you, a movable fixture.

A fixture that breathes, absorbs, feels, and is witness to life, 

without being part of life. I have died a million times over living

on the streets, and died a different kind of death being forced to

live my life without a home and the challenges that pose just by forced

circumstance imposed by and through the illegal actions of a

despicable landlord forcing me out.