~
The Carbon Copy Life ~
A
Life on the Streets...
Life
on the streets becomes more of a Carbon Copy of a life,
Xeroxing
copy after copy, day after day, night after night, week after
week,
month after month..... and year after endless year, that
diminishes
a little more after the next copy made, rather
than
a true life of any substance.
The
colors, that were once vibrant and alive, now faded like a photo
or
article of clothing being left out too long in the sun.
Once
you are caught in the Vortex of Street life...
the
light at the end of the tunnel has disappeared entirely and
covered
over by the debris of life, where living becomes your next
breath,
next step, next morsel of food, next place of rest....
Living
in a dreamland of nightmares that you can never wake from.
I
have found that life is not about getting what you want, or what you
need,
it's
about destroying who you are and continually taking away from you.
Leaving
you depleted and raw, while at the same time, hardened
around
the edges and cutting you to the core.
You
wonder, time again, why am I here??? To serve what purpose?
What
is the point of “life” when you are denied every aspect of life?
Going
around in circles, getting nowhere. Each path brings you back
to
where you were, like being stuck perpetually on the hamster wheel,
and
no
matter how hard you train, run and condition..... you find it matters
not
because
it is all a moot point, that is taking you nowhere.
Is
there a point to it all??? When life was being dished out, I must
have not
been
paying attention to the line I got in. Right from the start, I missed
the
line I was supposed to be in. So each and every turn I have taken in
life
has been all wrong. No matter which direction or path I have gone
down,
nothing
about it has ever been right, has ever worked out like it should
have.
Nothing
good has ever really come from taking this path, or that direction.
I
have heard rumors that life was supposed to be fun and joyous....
where is this?
Not
in any place I have ever been, not in any experience I have lived
through.
I
have seen good, from a distance.... I have witnessed the rawness of
life in
every
regard. I have seen the bad, experienced the worst life has to offer,
and
yet I continue to push forward and take another breath, and step in
more
directions. The rhythm of life is always present, whether you are
experiencing
the good, the bad, or something in between....
life
cycles through. I have just never liked being part of that cycle,
not
in terms of life that I have been here to live, if one could really
call living and
merely
existing along the seams and edges of society truly a “life”.
Living on the
streets,
you are not part of the whole, even though we are all “connected”,
there
is little to no connection in the truest sense. For example, if and
when
anything
happens; which it has and does on a regular basis, I have no one to
call,
no
one to be there, no one to listen. Just to have someone there to
check
in
on you, see how you are.... but the only ones who “check” on me,
are
always the cops, usually after someone has
called
in on me for just being present.
The
only one I have ever truly had to talk to is my notebook... it is
always
there
for me, and I unleash it all to it. Once I have released all the
build up,
it
opens me to more of life, in whatever capacity that life may be.
Writing has
always
been and continues to be my outlet for LIFE.... and all that happens
in it.
Everything
I experience, everything I go through, is penned or keyed until it is
no
longer pressing so hard to be released, in some form or another.
Also,
reading is another drug of choice that allows and affords me to
release,
but
in a different way. I cannot read without always learning something
along
the way, through the measure of words. So reading is not a mindless
activity
for me, as some read to do. It brings ideas and thoughts
more
to life, and add to my own.
But
both, reading and writing, give me the ability to process this thing
called
life my way... and in the end, that is really all it is about.
Process
life in a way that you can bring substance to.