Holidays on the streets…Marking my 11th year anniversary and still out here
2010 Season--
Well, here we are --- another year has passed by and another holiday season is under way-- this making the 11th anniversary of being out here having to endure the holidays alone and on the streets still. And this year, probably more than the others has been weighing heavily on my heart and soul. I have been out here more than 10yrs now, a solid decade of living, breathing and being on the streets… the harsh toll it is taking and continues to take… just remembering to breathe and wondering why I bother. Just keeping myself going, to what end?? Been questioning life and what it is all about more and more. I never expected to be forced to stay outside for a single night, much less en entire lifetime and beyond. And those drivers that I thought so highly of have readily turned their backs on me and looking at me and treating me with such contempt now-- it makes me dread even having to catch the bus, and finding more and more I am staying away until I absolutely have to take it-- but the way it runs (or doesn’t run, now) makes it really challenging, if not completely impossible to get much of anywhere on it. And this is something that drags me down further, making me feel worse than I already do.
And the worst thing I have to contend with are the abundant assumptions and harsh words and criticism by all these County Connection drivers-- talking trash about me right in front of me… and spreading trash around. They are the ones who make being present something I am truly coming to dread. Not once have a single one of them come to me to understand or hear the truth. But they have no problems causing trouble for me… the devastation that leaves in its wake-- very disheartening. Keeping my distance from them more and more now-- and each year, leaves me more breathless.
The cherished animals that bring heart to my nights and embrace me with acceptance and so much love... not something I have ever truly experienced from the 2-legged human variety. Another year come, and already gone. And the streets prevail... still holding me in its grip. I often wonder, now, if this is the only life I will see to the end. I have met and been embraced by a rare few remarkable individuals that have sprinkled bits and pieces of hope to my heart... and I hold tight to those.. And that helps me face another day, and endless night once more... then begin again, with more of the same. Still praying, meditating and trying to accept what is and letting go and letting God manage the details. Breathing in the crisp night air, usually filled with rain, letting my heart fill with hope and love.
