Falling Upwards:
My journey up from the Streets
Feeding yourself from the inside-out first,
Moving up from the Depths of Despair!
A life from the streets;
Learning to stay above ground when the only other option is to be 6 feet under.
One of the most difficult tasks I have to face each and every moment is to remember to breathe each morning, and every moment throughout the day and night. The pain of just being in the present moment, the dawning of reality as it presses into my consciousness, like a whirlpool slowly being sucked down into the depths beyond the drain…..
The endless nights of being constantly harassed by the cops just because I don’t have the luxury of having a solid roof over my head. My integrity is always questioned for this very reason. Anything that needs to be reported in any sense, when something happens, is completely brushed aside, nothing said is taken seriously, no matter who stands behind everything you say. You are booted out of the room so they can question your integrity, then dismiss the reports just the same, after all, everyone on the streets asked to be out here, to have their home and sense of security taken from them so they could spend hellish nights being accosted by 2 legged animals of the human variety, as well as the assorted insects that invade your body, as you become their meals, leaving their marks.
People have this notion that if you are on the streets, then you are no longer human, no longer have the capacity to speak honestly, since everyone ‘out here’ is considered CAzY, and out of their minds, only talking gibberish and we are begging for something to happen to us. Just the fact of being on the streets, your discounted as being a human being, where you no longer have any rights, all your civil liberties are taken away, your privacy is a thing of the past of even the most intimate things you have to do, your life and all the details are now fully on the screen for the public to view so they can humiliate and de-humanize you in their lowest form.
Seen as ‘Society’s Disease’ that people believe they will catch if they show their humanity or treat you as a person. Because if they do, that means the same thing could happen to them, and that is just too close to home, so they go out of their ways to distance themselves as much as possible from those of us that don’t have the privilege of having a roof over our heads. People go out of their way to make your life even less tolerable through their ugliness, which comes fully out—truly showing their true colors. Not being treated as a person, much less, someone who actually breathes. People bring forth their ugly talk and violent actions, saving it all up just so they can explode at you. They are more than rude. They make it their life’s ambition to dehumanize and demoralize and degrade you in every unimaginable way.
Treating you like you came from the gutter debris, kicking you to the side, pushing you down, spitting all over you, being extremely graphic and nasty, taking by force anything they possibly can, even more so when it is on your person, and no one does a damned thing! Not a thing. The response, if any, is always ‘””” what do you expect putting yourself out here ’”””, like this is truly a choice I made, much less happily made. People are at their absolute worst toward you when you don’t have that precious luxury of being surrounded by four walls and a solid roof.
Yet, they treat you like a contagious disease that they are certain to ‘catch’ should they be the least bit human toward you. Because if they did that, that would mean the same thing could happen to them. And that is just too much for so many to deal with, facing their own mortality. We are seen as beneath them, not worthy of their precious time. So they are their meanest, and most violent toward those of us on the streets to protect themselves. They believe if they are so horrible to us, then that makes them much better protected from ever catching this ‘disease’ they are so afraid of. People are afraid of what they don’t know and what they don’t understand, but are real quick to make judgments and assessments about someone they see that doesn’t fit into their narrow-minded world. Why do we scare people so much? Why are they so afraid of those who have nothing, but our integrity & Self, which is stripped down to the barest threads and even then they want to eliminate those threads from our life, which they see as nothing more than worthless.
And it seems the longer you are out here, the more violent and aggressive people are toward you. Then I have to wonder ‘why’ I have to remember to breathe, remind myself throughout the day to breathe, what is so automatic to most, is a daily challenge for me. Breathing has never been natural for me. And something I have almost come to regret these past nearly 5 years that I have been on the streets.
Because I choose to respect myself, I have NOT received ANY kind of assistance since being put out here. I’m told ‘I just don’t fit the part, I don’t smell the part; look the part in any way, so I couldn’t possibly be “homeless”’. I have even been told that I was the W R O N G color to be homeless. I have had nothing but doors repeatedly slammed shut in my face because I go out of my way to be presentable, no matter how long it may take just to get cleaned up for the day, which at times, has been all day just trying to find some place(s) I can use. A lot of times you have to divide your cleanup into a full-out event. Find one place to brush your teeth, another to wash your face and body (usually separately), another to change, and yet another to brush and wash your hair. Who would have thought that going out of your way to be clean and presentable would work against you???
But I refuse to compromise myself any further than I have already been forced to do. I won’t lower my Self to the gutter to receive only the most dismal of assistance, nor will I allow my life to be ripped apart and torn to shreds again just to be able to eat, the rarest commodity. My life is NOT an open display for all to dissect and dispose of!
People believe anyone on the streets are put their specifically for their enjoyment to do whatever they choose to do to us, because it’s their ‘given right’ and duty—then they can rid society of this nasty ‘infectious disease’ and gloat about their accomplishment for the good of humanity.
By Renee Bowen
Homeless Since Sept. 1st, 2000
© 2005 All Rights Reserved
My journey up from the Streets
Feeding yourself from the inside-out first,
Moving up from the Depths of Despair!
A life from the streets;
Learning to stay above ground when the only other option is to be 6 feet under.
One of the most difficult tasks I have to face each and every moment is to remember to breathe each morning, and every moment throughout the day and night. The pain of just being in the present moment, the dawning of reality as it presses into my consciousness, like a whirlpool slowly being sucked down into the depths beyond the drain…..
The endless nights of being constantly harassed by the cops just because I don’t have the luxury of having a solid roof over my head. My integrity is always questioned for this very reason. Anything that needs to be reported in any sense, when something happens, is completely brushed aside, nothing said is taken seriously, no matter who stands behind everything you say. You are booted out of the room so they can question your integrity, then dismiss the reports just the same, after all, everyone on the streets asked to be out here, to have their home and sense of security taken from them so they could spend hellish nights being accosted by 2 legged animals of the human variety, as well as the assorted insects that invade your body, as you become their meals, leaving their marks.
People have this notion that if you are on the streets, then you are no longer human, no longer have the capacity to speak honestly, since everyone ‘out here’ is considered CAzY, and out of their minds, only talking gibberish and we are begging for something to happen to us. Just the fact of being on the streets, your discounted as being a human being, where you no longer have any rights, all your civil liberties are taken away, your privacy is a thing of the past of even the most intimate things you have to do, your life and all the details are now fully on the screen for the public to view so they can humiliate and de-humanize you in their lowest form.
Seen as ‘Society’s Disease’ that people believe they will catch if they show their humanity or treat you as a person. Because if they do, that means the same thing could happen to them, and that is just too close to home, so they go out of their ways to distance themselves as much as possible from those of us that don’t have the privilege of having a roof over our heads. People go out of their way to make your life even less tolerable through their ugliness, which comes fully out—truly showing their true colors. Not being treated as a person, much less, someone who actually breathes. People bring forth their ugly talk and violent actions, saving it all up just so they can explode at you. They are more than rude. They make it their life’s ambition to dehumanize and demoralize and degrade you in every unimaginable way.
Treating you like you came from the gutter debris, kicking you to the side, pushing you down, spitting all over you, being extremely graphic and nasty, taking by force anything they possibly can, even more so when it is on your person, and no one does a damned thing! Not a thing. The response, if any, is always ‘””” what do you expect putting yourself out here ’”””, like this is truly a choice I made, much less happily made. People are at their absolute worst toward you when you don’t have that precious luxury of being surrounded by four walls and a solid roof.
Yet, they treat you like a contagious disease that they are certain to ‘catch’ should they be the least bit human toward you. Because if they did that, that would mean the same thing could happen to them. And that is just too much for so many to deal with, facing their own mortality. We are seen as beneath them, not worthy of their precious time. So they are their meanest, and most violent toward those of us on the streets to protect themselves. They believe if they are so horrible to us, then that makes them much better protected from ever catching this ‘disease’ they are so afraid of. People are afraid of what they don’t know and what they don’t understand, but are real quick to make judgments and assessments about someone they see that doesn’t fit into their narrow-minded world. Why do we scare people so much? Why are they so afraid of those who have nothing, but our integrity & Self, which is stripped down to the barest threads and even then they want to eliminate those threads from our life, which they see as nothing more than worthless.
And it seems the longer you are out here, the more violent and aggressive people are toward you. Then I have to wonder ‘why’ I have to remember to breathe, remind myself throughout the day to breathe, what is so automatic to most, is a daily challenge for me. Breathing has never been natural for me. And something I have almost come to regret these past nearly 5 years that I have been on the streets.
Because I choose to respect myself, I have NOT received ANY kind of assistance since being put out here. I’m told ‘I just don’t fit the part, I don’t smell the part; look the part in any way, so I couldn’t possibly be “homeless”’. I have even been told that I was the W R O N G color to be homeless. I have had nothing but doors repeatedly slammed shut in my face because I go out of my way to be presentable, no matter how long it may take just to get cleaned up for the day, which at times, has been all day just trying to find some place(s) I can use. A lot of times you have to divide your cleanup into a full-out event. Find one place to brush your teeth, another to wash your face and body (usually separately), another to change, and yet another to brush and wash your hair. Who would have thought that going out of your way to be clean and presentable would work against you???
But I refuse to compromise myself any further than I have already been forced to do. I won’t lower my Self to the gutter to receive only the most dismal of assistance, nor will I allow my life to be ripped apart and torn to shreds again just to be able to eat, the rarest commodity. My life is NOT an open display for all to dissect and dispose of!
People believe anyone on the streets are put their specifically for their enjoyment to do whatever they choose to do to us, because it’s their ‘given right’ and duty—then they can rid society of this nasty ‘infectious disease’ and gloat about their accomplishment for the good of humanity.
By Renee Bowen
Homeless Since Sept. 1st, 2000
© 2005 All Rights Reserved
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