An Anniversary that never should have been...

September 1, 2015 marked an anniversary that never should have been, and should not have even seen a single one come about, much less the 15 I have now endured being forced to live on the streets.  I cannot begin to describe what being out here for so long does to a person.  Experiencing the absolute worst of life, and the deepest underside of Humanity; that has been less than HUMAN toward me than you could imagine, in its many brutal and cruel forms, all because of a circumstance I never chose, but have been forced to endure, from and by the illegal actions of a despicable landlord in the city of Alameda.

Being readily refused and repeatedly turned away for the service and assistance that I need, finding myself going in circles, trying to find a semblance of the "so-called help" that is supposed to be so readily available.  Not something I have ever experienced.  All of the places that are supposed to offer the help and support they purport, is nothing but a cruel joke, and has caused more harm than anything else.  Where the staff in these horrible places referred to as "Shelters", who are the worst offenders, cause harm to your person, becoming extremely abusive, both verbally abusive and physically violent with you and toward you, only causes more damage, in the truest sense, but offer no help at all.

I've been repeatedly told that I have been out here too long to receive the services offered.  That the services are only there for the ones who are on the brink of becoming homeless, or ones who have immediately become homeless.  Even churches and emergency centers that I was told to contact, have barred my number with the text message across the screen, "This number is for EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY", when I have contacted them to see what services they offer.  Apparently, being forced to live on the streets for more than a decade and a half is not viewed as an "Emergency". 

The programs in place now, were nowhere around when I was forced out to the streets, but continue to deny me the help I need because I do not fit the parameters for who they will help, and when.  So countless doors are slammed shut in my face at every turn. 

So another year has gone by, as so many before, and the chasm only widens, becoming so huge, you can no longer tell where it began, but pretty sure you know where it ends.  I never chose to be forced from my home all because I refused to "Service" a horrible landlord-- SO, I was forced out, illegally, and given the worst life sentence in the process, for just being present.  A very punishing life sentence, that is wholly consuming, and one that tears you to shreds, time and again.  Your life becoming nothing, as your presence is no longer welcome.  Discarded to the wayside quicker than trash.

So where do you turn when there is nowhere to turn?  The echoes of life growing dimmer with each passing moment spent out here by another's actions.

Faith, hope, and love are no longer apart of my life.... no longer exist, the last spark of which have long since evaporated..  They are just vestiges of a former life that no longer holds any meaning when your life is on the streets.  And September 1st marked my continuing life sentence imposed on me when I was forced out to the streets 15+ years now, to live, or rather, merely exist around the periphery of Humanity, of Society....of LIFE. 

As this will be my 16th Holiday and Winter Season on the streets, days hold no meaning, life.... no purpose.  And no matter what I do or where I go, help is nowhere to be found, especially not when you are clean, are not chemically dependent, have never done drugs, never drank, don't smoke, or their brand of CrAzY.

I wonder time and again, why I was ever born.  Is this all my life is supposed to be for????   To be on the receiving end of Humanities' Ugliness, year after year?  Has my life ever mattered?  I get the answers in the long stretch of nothing-ness that my life is now, living on the streets.  Every Birthday, Holiday, or any other day of the year, spent alone, and unwelcome wherever I go.  So why am I here?

14 Years Seems only the Beginning....

Labor Day, September 1, 2014, of this year marked my 14th Year Anniversary of 

being on the streets, making this Holiday and Winter Season my 15th year to endure 

out here.  Seems like a lifetime and beyond since that beautiful luxury of a home 

was a part of my life...   Days wear on you, while nights cling tighter like a shawl 

around your shoulders.  Time loses meaning when you are out here.  Days blending 

and blurring into one long continuous length of time, nights repeating themselves 

on a loop, like a broken record that gets caught in a groove.  Wearing on you, 

weighing on you, yet continue to push forward.  I often wonder what keeps 

pushing me forward, to what end, really.   Caught in a vicious catch-22.  

And the cycle continues...

Priorities on the streets changes in every facet.  Surviving becomes an essential asset.  

Learning what truly matters in the most deepest sense.  Life takes on a whole new 

meaning on the streets, and finding some way to fill even partially the most

 basic needs... food, water, shelter, clothing.  Sometimes, there is food, water is 

easier to find, in the way of drinking water, though finding the water to clean up 

brings a slew of other challenges to the forefront, not to mention a place or rather 

places, where the actual clean up takes place.  Clothing is probably the easiest to 

come by, as donations are abundant in that regard, however ill fitting the clothes 

may be, you can always find something to wear.  As for shelter, that is something 

entirely different, and one of the most, if not the most, challenging of all.

My thermos has served me quite well, and continues to be the best thing I have 

while having to endure this lifetime out here.   No more illusions of a home, as those 

have long since been cast to the wayside.  How would I list landlords, when it was by 

and through the illegal actions of a landlord that put me out here in the first place??  

How would I get references?  Been repeatedly denied my credit reports, because I do 

not have phone bills and utilities listed in my name that goes to a physical address.  

Though, I am charged by others accessing my information, regardless of how erroneous 

it is, yet, I have been denied access to my own information.  Even using various 

organization letter heads, along with SSI statements, all to no avail.  Not to mention

 all the costs and fees involved, background check, credit check, application fees, 

first, last, and security...   oh, let the games begin. 

There continues to be a core set of people insisting I must be out here by choice, after all, 

they claim there is so much "help" available to those who need it.  Something I have 

never, not once, found to be true, in any regard.  And not a single person who has said 

this to me has ever come with me on any part of this journey...   and not a single one 

would be able to manage a single night, much less the 

endless years that I have been forced to. 

Facing another anniversary of being on the streets is an anniversary I truly wish I 

never had to experience even once, much less the 14 I have now faced and fully 

experienced, in more ways than I could ever convey in any capacity.

Meditation still permeates my mornings, helping me to face the day and night ahead. 

While Nature's Beautiful furry and feathered friends are my co-conspirators and 

closest confidants, as we share our time together through the night and into the 

mornings....  they bring a lightness to my heart and keep me going and 

putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, to 

wherever the road may lead.

Writing continues to be my drug of choice, along with the volumes of books I go 

through all the time.   Keeps me connected and involved...no matter where I am, 

I always have a notebook at the ready, and more often than not, a few books, too.