Living
Holidays on the Streets
and
every day of the year....2017
Another Holiday Season is here, yet again. Thanksgiving, then followed
very soon by Christmas. Turning this into my 18th one spent on
the
streets,
alone. I am thankful for what I have, and that I am safe,
more
or less, where I stay. And thankful to see another
day,
week, month and year.... still breathing.
I
have to focus on what little good is coming into my life,
otherwise, I would be so
overwhelmed with the bad,
it
would literally consume my life whole....
I
Will likely find some place to Volunteer for a few hours,
just
to have some place to BE that is not outside.
I
no longer look forward to this time of year, Holiday-Wise,
haven't for a very long
time. When you have no place to go or BE,
especially
around the Holidays, and when you see and hear about
everyone
else having this place to go, and these things to do.....
you
can't help but feeling a little left out from life.
And
not asked to be part of it, or share in it in any way. So you find
you
have
to be your own cheerleader, your own council, and be happy
with
who you are, just as you are. And let go where and when you can.
But
that is not so easy when you don' have that much needed support....
that
love, that connection that Life is supposed to be about.
So
at times, I put life on Hiatus.... and stop engaging with life.
Could
be for hours, days, weeks, months, and in some cases.... even years.
That
is what being on the streets for so long does to you, changes you
in
so many ways, I cannot convey to the extent how much,
only
that it does and everything in life.
It
changes you as person; a living, feeling, being,
changes
your heart, mind, body and soul.
Writing
remains my outlet of choice, along with reading volumes of books,
meditating
every morning, and most evenings.... just to feel some connection,
which
generally presents itself around me in the form of feathers and fur,
wings
and song. Nature plays on my heart like nothing I have ever
experienced.
And
brings so much comfort and relief to my heart, knowing that
Nature
has embraced me with all her beautiful and disturbing
creatures
who share my days and nights with me.
An
acceptance that has never been experienced
anywhere
else, or from anyone else.
This
has been the worst decade of my life....2017 one of the worst years,
and
I have experienced a few along the way. Made ever more challenging
by
a body that is in constant and perpetual disagreement with itself.
The
argument is on-going and I cannot ever remember a time when
there
wasn't one. But has increased a 1,000 fold over
having to live without a
real home, a real bed, a real bathroom with privacy....
and
no place to store, prepare and cook my own food.
Recently,
though, that has improved slightly in the way of being able to
cook
some foods with a little folding camp stove I recently received.
Which
I am deeply grateful to have and be able to use.
Though,
I am still unable to store foods.... I am able, little by little,
to
do a little bit of cooking, which has made a tremendous difference.
But
when the weather turns sour, with the high winds and rains.....
the
little stove is not usable. And since I have no shelter and no place
out
of
the stormy weather, I can only use the stove when weather permits.
Life....
Never once did I ever think that it would be a forced existence on
the streets.
But
facing my 18th Holiday and Winter Season outside, still,
has shoved that
reality
in my face BIG TIME. Holidays and Winter, are just more days
spent
on the streets. Meaning nothing more than nasty weather
to
contend with, and much shorter days.
But the Colors of
Fall.... MY Colors, the colors I wear and have always
brought comfort to my
heart and soul seeing the warm glow of
beauty all around me.
Though I am no longer a fan of the Holidays,
I am a lover of
Autumn; Everything about the Season....
the colors, the cool,
crisp air, the smell
of seasoned wood burning
in fireplaces.... I just don't care for
Thanksgiving, the day
itself, which comes towards the end of Fall.
Living on the streets is
like living in some kind of warped dream....
a recurring nightmare
that you can never wake from.
Spending anytime of
consequence having to live on the streets, takes a hard
pounding to your life,
your body.... your mind, and deeply affects your heart.
I can still see a small
shadow of life before the streets..... but the
image fades quickly when
I try to fully embrace it and feel
what it had been like.
It is not something that
holds any substance.
Just slivers of a dream
that you don't want to wake from and
be back in the nightmare
reality of merely existing on the
periphery of society, of
humanity, … of Life.
