The Worst Decade...

The Worst Decade….

More than halfway through nearly 2 decades on the streets, 

and these last few years have been the worst of my life. 

Along with all the physical stuff I have to contend with throughout my

 life due to the actions from others; the debilitating pain

 that coarses (intended spelling, as in rough, not fluid) through 

my body at every moment, the deep ache in my arms from the 

shoulders down to my fingers, the way my knees feel like they are

 being severed and continually butchered, the constant fluid build up

 and heavy swelling from just above my knees to the bottoms of my feet, 

which both legs and feet dent and impress upon with any and

 all contact with any material, or even leaning against a table leg, 

a bag or any other structure or material …leaves a deeply bruised 

feeling for days afterward, along with the indents into my legs that remains.... 

(and the perpetual feel of live wires covering my legs)...

Pitted edema, is what the medical community calls the deep swelling 

and fluid build up that is ever present, and prevents my knees from 

bending fully, that cause my legs to buckle and swing from side to 

side as I walk, not to mention all the rest I have to contend 

with every moment of every breath taken …

...now to add insult to injury... The constant deep burning through my chest,

 throat and stomach that feels like scalding liquid being poured down my throat continuously while at the same time, feeling like a flame thrower is being 

shot up from my stomach and then hot coals placed down my chest, and feels like gasoline is being poured non-stop down my throat followed by a lit match.

 Nothing has eased, or soothed the deep pain of the sharp burning, 

the intensity of which is so far off the charts. It started several 

years ago as a direct result of an employee not washing their hands after 

using the restroom and then coming out to prepare food.

I have experienced hundreds of bouts of food poisoning because of the

 ill prepared food by employees who choose not to wash their hands after 

using the restroom. It has happened so much and with such ferocious 

high frequency, it has left a permanent echo of always feeling like my

 insides will purge itself out, turning itself completely inside-out,

 and feeling the purging will erupt at the slightest movement (and has),

 always lingering and never fully leaving me in peace. It has tore up my 

system entirely. Never knowing if what I eat will stay down, or cause trouble.

 Food now, has to be very bland. The only food I have found that

 does not cause any issues, are bananas…. 

But even then, they have to be firm, not overly ripe.

The Wrong Path...

Since birth, my life has been all wrong. More and more of 

the bad has been infused in my life, coming my way with higher 

frequency. The list is growing and increasing, 

and coming closer together. The Universe and Life itself is

 screaming that my life is wrong, that the path I was sent down

 has been in the wrong direction,

 going the wrong way at every turn and bend in the road.

 All the physical things that have been going on with me,

 not only in my life (an over-abundance of assaults, both verbally 

and physically, being run down (quite literally) by people 

running lights and paying no mind to stop signs, accidents 

abounding of every kind (one on top of the other until the 

stones are too high to account for)

 but in my body, as well.

And yet, not once, have I ever been given direction elsewhere...

I have experienced the absolute worst of life…. Time and time and time again.

So, How do I go down a different road, moving in a different direction, 

when there is no support, no assistance of any kind that I have 

been able to find? How do I change course when I am repeatedly 

denied and refused the help I need? Where do I start? Life was 

never meant to be languished on the streets, but that is exactly 

where I have been forced to be for nearly 2 solid decades now. 

How do I find the Healing Path that will be the 

direction I am meant to be on?

So where is this invisible road that I was to take, but is nowhere

 to be seen?  How do I go about finding it? In some kind of parallel universe 

where the portal is hidden between platform 9 and 10.... accessing

 that 9 and 3/4 area has eluded me entirely.

Life....it becomes a habit that you are unable to break.

Yet, there has always been a gross disconnect in life... 
never part of it,but always a part from it.

Fallen by the wayside, time and again...when you are forced to

barely exist around the seams of society, life goes by the wayside,

passing you by and never once being offered a lift along the way.

A lifting hand, a hand UP, not a handout is what I need.

It is what everyone truly needs at one time or another.

But few, if any, ever take the time to offer that simple hand.

And that single hand pulling you up can make a world of difference.

So the direction becomes clearer to me the longer I am forced to be 

out here, and that is offering my hand to lift others' up, and making 

sure they are not going to have to endure the life I have had to.

 Sharing my experience with others, and that begins by helping 

those I come across in my path, along my journey living on the streets.

 Not the path I chose, but one that was chosen for me...

We all need and benefit from a helping hand, but no one benefits

 in any true sense when you are only offered hand-outs.

The direction Life is pushing me toward is starting my own nonprofit 

that offers the help and support that has been so readily denied me. 

Because only someone who has truly experienced life on the streets,

 can know what people living on the streets need, in every regard.

Those of us on the streets, become part of the

 landscape, enmeshed in Nature,

but invisible to Humanity.

The discards of human waste...

16 Solid Years.....Another Anniversary of the Barest Existence

An Anniversary of Lifetimes…..on the Streets

I have experienced many anniversaries in my life….. none of which have 

been much to celebrate.  They have included death in many folds, assaults, 

car accidents, and so much more…..   not including the endless anniversaries 

of seeing first one year, then two, three, and on through a full sixteen years now

 being forced to live, or rather merely exist, on the streets.  Around the edges 

and seams of society.  This is not an anniversary to look forward to …… 

Not one I am looking forward to--  16 years of having no home, no place to store, 

prepare, or cook my meals…. But rather having to fully rely on prepared foods,

 which is quite costly. 

And when you have little means to eat, or even the 

barest of necessities of life…it makes that all but impossible when 

you have to purchase food everyday.   Food prices have increased by such a 

huge amount, it makes it truly impossible to eat with any regularity, 

much less healthily and nourishing.   

Meals consist of whatever you have to eat…. Pieces of bread, a slice of fruit, rarely do 

you actually eat a real meal, in any sense of the word when you live on the street.  

I can literally count on one hand how many real meals I have had in 

the time I have spent on the streets…..    and the thing is, 

when your body is continually deprived of the nutrients and

 food it needs in order to survive and thrive, you find that even a couple 

bites of food makes you overly full and unable 

to eat any more.  Then the other factors that most take for granted…..   

sleeping in real beds, that is not something that you have

 when you live outside, and you cannot sleep whenever 

you need to, but wherever you can, as you are forced 

to “make home” wherever you happen to 

be at any given point. 

 Also, when people think nothing of going into their own bathrooms to 

do their very private business…. That is not something you are afforded outside.  

You have to rely fully on public restrooms, and more often than not, the restrooms are closed.  Instead, you are wide open and in full view of the world.  You have no privacy of 

even the most intimate things you need to take care of.   This poses even more issues when you are female and forced to live outside.  There is so much people take for granted, until that is no longer there.  Your life is not yours to do whatever you want whenever you want when you live on the streets, but rather your life is dictated on what you can do, when and how.  

Life on the streets …. Where does one begin……    your guard is always up, you become 

wary of everyone.  Life becomes one of pure survival…..    co-habitating with nature.   

Every moment of your life being monitored just for being present, and always under a

 full audience, no matter what it is you need to do.   At times, you find people actually 

video-taping you because you move in a manner they find so extremely hilarious.  

When you are physically challenged but move in a way that they don’t like, or accept, 

and is well beyond their comprehension, it’s easier to make fun of and laugh at someone, 

instead of taking the time to understand why they move the way they do (which was by 

and through the direct result of others’ actions against me).   I can only hope and pray 

that at some point they receive their own ignorance measured back to them in full. 

To be on the receiving end of their ugliness that they have 

readily dished out toward me for decades.

Another anniversary living on the streets….  This is my 16^th anniversary of

 being outside, deprived and denied a real home, being repeatedly denied the assistance 

I need and going into my 17^th Holiday and Winter Season.  Living outside indefinitely 

wears on you heavily, and you try finding something, anything, to give you

 something to look forward to. 

Yet, another anniversary that came about yesterday, 8/31, happened 4 years ago 

when I walked away from something that should have killed me on impact.  

Still feel the physical infusion from that impact, but I should not be here…..   

seems my entire life there have been series of just that very thing.   Been through hell, 

dragged through the nightmares, and still pushing forward, to what end???    No idea at all.  

Wishing I knew the reason I am here, to serve what purpose, really….. when there is no 

purpose or meaning in life on the streets.  Nothing of substance …and your presence 

becomes more of an afterthought, than being acknowledged

 as a living, feeling, breathing sentient being…

A Lifetime of endless anniversaries to endure……