September 1, 2015 marked an anniversary that never should have been, and should not have even seen a single one come about, much less the 15 I have now endured being forced to live on the streets. I cannot begin to describe what being out here for so long does to a person. Experiencing the absolute worst of life, and the deepest underside of Humanity; that has been less than HUMAN toward me than you could imagine, in its many brutal and cruel forms, all because of a circumstance I never chose, but have been forced to endure, from and by the illegal actions of a despicable landlord in the city of Alameda.
Being readily refused and repeatedly turned away for the service and assistance that I need, finding myself going in circles, trying to find a semblance of the "so-called help" that is supposed to be so readily available. Not something I have ever experienced. All of the places that are supposed to offer the help and support they purport, is nothing but a cruel joke, and has caused more harm than anything else. Where the staff in these horrible places referred to as "Shelters", who are the worst offenders, cause harm to your person, becoming extremely abusive, both verbally abusive and physically violent with you and toward you, only causes more damage, in the truest sense, but offer no help at all.
I've been repeatedly told that I have been out here too long to receive the services offered. That the services are only there for the ones who are on the brink of becoming homeless, or ones who have immediately become homeless. Even churches and emergency centers that I was told to contact, have barred my number with the text message across the screen, "This number is for EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY", when I have contacted them to see what services they offer. Apparently, being forced to live on the streets for more than a decade and a half is not viewed as an "Emergency".
The programs in place now, were nowhere around when I was forced out to the streets, but continue to deny me the help I need because I do not fit the parameters for who they will help, and when. So countless doors are slammed shut in my face at every turn.
So another year has gone by, as so many before, and the chasm only widens, becoming so huge, you can no longer tell where it began, but pretty sure you know where it ends. I never chose to be forced from my home all because I refused to "Service" a horrible landlord-- SO, I was forced out, illegally, and given the worst life sentence in the process, for just being present. A very punishing life sentence, that is wholly consuming, and one that tears you to shreds, time and again. Your life becoming nothing, as your presence is no longer welcome. Discarded to the wayside quicker than trash.
So where do you turn when there is nowhere to turn? The echoes of life growing dimmer with each passing moment spent out here by another's actions.
Faith, hope, and love are no longer apart of my life.... no longer exist, the last spark of which have long since evaporated.. They are just vestiges of a former life that no longer holds any meaning when your life is on the streets. And September 1st marked my continuing life sentence imposed on me when I was forced out to the streets 15+ years now, to live, or rather, merely exist around the periphery of Humanity, of Society....of LIFE.
As this will be my 16th Holiday and Winter Season on the streets, days hold no meaning, life.... no purpose. And no matter what I do or where I go, help is nowhere to be found, especially not when you are clean, are not chemically dependent, have never done drugs, never drank, don't smoke, or their brand of CrAzY.
I wonder time and again, why I was ever born. Is this all my life is supposed to be for???? To be on the receiving end of Humanities' Ugliness, year after year? Has my life ever mattered? I get the answers in the long stretch of nothing-ness that my life is now, living on the streets. Every Birthday, Holiday, or any other day of the year, spent alone, and unwelcome wherever I go. So why am I here?
Being readily refused and repeatedly turned away for the service and assistance that I need, finding myself going in circles, trying to find a semblance of the "so-called help" that is supposed to be so readily available. Not something I have ever experienced. All of the places that are supposed to offer the help and support they purport, is nothing but a cruel joke, and has caused more harm than anything else. Where the staff in these horrible places referred to as "Shelters", who are the worst offenders, cause harm to your person, becoming extremely abusive, both verbally abusive and physically violent with you and toward you, only causes more damage, in the truest sense, but offer no help at all.
I've been repeatedly told that I have been out here too long to receive the services offered. That the services are only there for the ones who are on the brink of becoming homeless, or ones who have immediately become homeless. Even churches and emergency centers that I was told to contact, have barred my number with the text message across the screen, "This number is for EMERGENCY CALLS ONLY", when I have contacted them to see what services they offer. Apparently, being forced to live on the streets for more than a decade and a half is not viewed as an "Emergency".
The programs in place now, were nowhere around when I was forced out to the streets, but continue to deny me the help I need because I do not fit the parameters for who they will help, and when. So countless doors are slammed shut in my face at every turn.
So another year has gone by, as so many before, and the chasm only widens, becoming so huge, you can no longer tell where it began, but pretty sure you know where it ends. I never chose to be forced from my home all because I refused to "Service" a horrible landlord-- SO, I was forced out, illegally, and given the worst life sentence in the process, for just being present. A very punishing life sentence, that is wholly consuming, and one that tears you to shreds, time and again. Your life becoming nothing, as your presence is no longer welcome. Discarded to the wayside quicker than trash.
So where do you turn when there is nowhere to turn? The echoes of life growing dimmer with each passing moment spent out here by another's actions.
Faith, hope, and love are no longer apart of my life.... no longer exist, the last spark of which have long since evaporated.. They are just vestiges of a former life that no longer holds any meaning when your life is on the streets. And September 1st marked my continuing life sentence imposed on me when I was forced out to the streets 15+ years now, to live, or rather, merely exist around the periphery of Humanity, of Society....of LIFE.
As this will be my 16th Holiday and Winter Season on the streets, days hold no meaning, life.... no purpose. And no matter what I do or where I go, help is nowhere to be found, especially not when you are clean, are not chemically dependent, have never done drugs, never drank, don't smoke, or their brand of CrAzY.
I wonder time and again, why I was ever born. Is this all my life is supposed to be for???? To be on the receiving end of Humanities' Ugliness, year after year? Has my life ever mattered? I get the answers in the long stretch of nothing-ness that my life is now, living on the streets. Every Birthday, Holiday, or any other day of the year, spent alone, and unwelcome wherever I go. So why am I here?
