14 Years Seems only the Beginning....

Labor Day, September 1, 2014, of this year marked my 14th Year Anniversary of 

being on the streets, making this Holiday and Winter Season my 15th year to endure 

out here.  Seems like a lifetime and beyond since that beautiful luxury of a home 

was a part of my life...   Days wear on you, while nights cling tighter like a shawl 

around your shoulders.  Time loses meaning when you are out here.  Days blending 

and blurring into one long continuous length of time, nights repeating themselves 

on a loop, like a broken record that gets caught in a groove.  Wearing on you, 

weighing on you, yet continue to push forward.  I often wonder what keeps 

pushing me forward, to what end, really.   Caught in a vicious catch-22.  

And the cycle continues...

Priorities on the streets changes in every facet.  Surviving becomes an essential asset.  

Learning what truly matters in the most deepest sense.  Life takes on a whole new 

meaning on the streets, and finding some way to fill even partially the most

 basic needs... food, water, shelter, clothing.  Sometimes, there is food, water is 

easier to find, in the way of drinking water, though finding the water to clean up 

brings a slew of other challenges to the forefront, not to mention a place or rather 

places, where the actual clean up takes place.  Clothing is probably the easiest to 

come by, as donations are abundant in that regard, however ill fitting the clothes 

may be, you can always find something to wear.  As for shelter, that is something 

entirely different, and one of the most, if not the most, challenging of all.

My thermos has served me quite well, and continues to be the best thing I have 

while having to endure this lifetime out here.   No more illusions of a home, as those 

have long since been cast to the wayside.  How would I list landlords, when it was by 

and through the illegal actions of a landlord that put me out here in the first place??  

How would I get references?  Been repeatedly denied my credit reports, because I do 

not have phone bills and utilities listed in my name that goes to a physical address.  

Though, I am charged by others accessing my information, regardless of how erroneous 

it is, yet, I have been denied access to my own information.  Even using various 

organization letter heads, along with SSI statements, all to no avail.  Not to mention

 all the costs and fees involved, background check, credit check, application fees, 

first, last, and security...   oh, let the games begin. 

There continues to be a core set of people insisting I must be out here by choice, after all, 

they claim there is so much "help" available to those who need it.  Something I have 

never, not once, found to be true, in any regard.  And not a single person who has said 

this to me has ever come with me on any part of this journey...   and not a single one 

would be able to manage a single night, much less the 

endless years that I have been forced to. 

Facing another anniversary of being on the streets is an anniversary I truly wish I 

never had to experience even once, much less the 14 I have now faced and fully 

experienced, in more ways than I could ever convey in any capacity.

Meditation still permeates my mornings, helping me to face the day and night ahead. 

While Nature's Beautiful furry and feathered friends are my co-conspirators and 

closest confidants, as we share our time together through the night and into the 

mornings....  they bring a lightness to my heart and keep me going and 

putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward, to 

wherever the road may lead.

Writing continues to be my drug of choice, along with the volumes of books I go 

through all the time.   Keeps me connected and involved...no matter where I am, 

I always have a notebook at the ready, and more often than not, a few books, too.

Winter's Dream....2014

We all have dreams.  One of the most pressing dreams I have had for the past 14 Winters now, is that of a real home, a place where I can just BE, and B R E A T H E, and relax, no cares or worries abounding, just being for the sake of being...   a Dream that has yet to happen, as I endure my 14th Winter on the streets.  Nature and her beautiful furry and feathered friends have been my lifelines, in more ways than I could ever fully, or even partially, convey... their presence in my life has kept me afloat.  A dream that I will not likely to see come to fruition.  The "programs" in place are only geared for those who have become immediately homeless, not for ones who have been out so long to live lifetimes outside, and caught between a catch-22, in the deepest sense.  Sometimes I wonder what things would have been like if I had acquired one of the life-destroying 'habits' that so many out here have taken to, the majority of which is why they have become homeless.  It is generally not something started while out here, but rather something in place long before the direction of their lives shifted into the shiftless realm, yet, they are the ones all these programs are meant and designed for....    the ones who want to destroy themselves.  Having a place to finally be able to store and prepare foods, have regular, healthy meals every day, throughout the day...   ready access to hot showers, a luxurious dream that takes hold especially as the temperatures drop to freezing or below through the night and deep set into the morning hours before it starts warming up as the sun settles in for the brief duration of daylight; my own bed where I can finally get the much needed, yet readily deprived of, rest my body has been denied for a lifetime and beyond...  these are just a few of my Dreams.  But Dreams that are in my thoughts, whether it be day or night, they are always present.  But they are just that, Dreams.....    A Winter's Dream.