Another Birthday, just another day...
Yet another birthday spent on the streets, alone. Just another day, another un-acknowledged presence. Days repeating themselves, blending together where you can no longer tell where one ends and another begins. Birthdays, holidays, or any day that holds any special meaning... really lets you know if people truly care or if their words were just that... words. Never having these days acknowledged, just dismissed and discarded and turned meaningless, unless you have that precious commodity called a home and are surrounded by people who actually care. And this tells me that should I die, right here and now, no one would blink twice, much less give it a second thought.
When you are forced to live your life on the streets, all that evaporates... your very presence, a permanent stain that society cannot wash out, not for the lack of trying, though. Very brutally and harshly, at that. Though the mark it leaves on your heart and soul can never be erased, starts to corrode the very essence of you. Hope slips further away into the background as the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, then endless years tick by-- bringing you to the realization that your presence doesn't matter, has never mattered, and you are not likely to ever see or feel that so much sought after place of being in a H O M E.
September 1, 2013 marks my 13th year anniversary of being forced out onto the streets by and through the illegal actions of a crummy, despicable landlord. The illusions of ever having a home has faded away... I wonder why I keep pushing forward... to what end??? Since it has become quite apparent that this is where I'll spend the rest of my days-- merely existing, or rather languishing in obscurity until my existence is completely erased and extinguished out.
I have never once experienced that love-affair of life that most do, it's never had that pull or draw to me. Life has truly shown her dark side to me-- experiencing the worst of it. Still waiting for the coin to flip, get a little glimpse of the other side, the top side. I hear rumors that it exists ~
This will be my 14th Holiday Season out here. Just remembering to breathe and wondering why I bother. I knew life was going to pose some challenges, but to be so very disheartening and devastating every moment of it? Being "monitored" by the cops, who in turn have set their sites on their target, ME. Zeroed in on me, time and again. Citing me just for being present. Their constant harassment just for not having the luxury of a home. Followed, like an endless nightmare that never lets go. Making it that much more challenging to face another day, another night. Just to face more of the same.
I often wonder what I was brought here to do, what my purpose is, or should have been. There must be a reason I was put out here, and perhaps that was to be a value to others... in whatever capacity that may be. Though, I have no idea what that is. Perhaps of my telling of my experience out here, they will be able to navigate the harsher waters of being homeless, helping them to wade through the muck and mire of it, knowing they are not the only ones to have gone through the challenges it poses, in all regards. And be able to lead them through, somehow.
I often wonder what I was brought here to do, what my purpose is, or should have been. There must be a reason I was put out here, and perhaps that was to be a value to others... in whatever capacity that may be. Though, I have no idea what that is. Perhaps of my telling of my experience out here, they will be able to navigate the harsher waters of being homeless, helping them to wade through the muck and mire of it, knowing they are not the only ones to have gone through the challenges it poses, in all regards. And be able to lead them through, somehow.
